Page 86 of An Innocent Maid for the Duke
His jaw dropped. The pain in his eyes intensified. He looked away. ‘I know that.’
The despair in his deep voice made her heart contract painfully.
‘You should go. Take that with you.’ He made a dismissive gesture with his hand at the documents.
How easily he shut her out. But somehow, before she left, she had to make him see what had become so obvious now she knew the whole story. ‘Jake, you cannot spend your life thinking about the what if, but only about the what is. I learned long ago not to wonder what my life might have been like if my mother hadn’t left me behind. I might have had brothers and sisters. My parents might have been cruel. Or poor. Or rich. I could imagine them for hours on end. But it wouldn’t change the fact they never wanted me. All I can do is take my life as it is now.’
His eyes lifted to her face, his gaze intense. Piercing. Almost frightening. She forced herself to continue. ‘I never knew your brother. But in the portrait, you seem so different from him.’
He let out an impatient sound. ‘You said that before. It is not relevant.’ He started to rise.
‘Jake, you wear your brother like a mask.’ Oh, now that really sounded as if she was a bedlamite.
It stilled him, though. He sank back into his seat. ‘Rose—’
‘No. The manyouare is the man who took pity on a lonely girl waltzing in the dead of night. You are the man who gave an innocent miss her first turn on a swing and was not bored by her simple joy in one of the most amazing moments in her life. You are the man who spent an afternoon with his niece explaining a Panorama and eating ices and who made her feel loved. You are the man who took me out of the squalor of the rookeries and asked nothing in return. You are you. No one else. And who you are is a good, kind man.’
At that last, he frowned. ‘I am also the man who seduced you.’
She relaxed a little. At last, he was listening. She cast him an arch smile, because he certainly did not want her pity. ‘Oh? And did you hear any protests?’
He shook his head.
‘And would you have seduced me had I said no?’
He grimaced.
‘Of course not. You are who you are, Jake. And life can be hard. Impossibly so. But you have been given an opportunity to use yours for the good of others. To make a difference. But how can you, if you cut yourself off from who you really are?’
His face shuttered.
She unclenched her hands and realised her whole body was tense. Shaking with the passion in her words. She collapsed against the chair back. He must think her such a fool. But she would say what was in her heart or regret it for the rest of her life.
‘I understand you cannot love me. Our worlds are too far apart. But please, Jake, do not hate yourself for what happened to your family. Forcing yourself to be someone you are not is hurting you badly. You are no worse or better than your brother. You are different.’
The distant expression remained on his face.
He didn’t understand and she wasn’t clever enough to make it any plainer. Her throat felt raw from all the talking. Almost as raw as her heart.
A sense of defeat filled her. She pushed to her feet. ‘I thank you for your gift. It was thoughtful and kind, but I cannot accept it.’ It was worth a king’s ransom. ‘I will always treasure the time we spent together.’ She choked on the words and swallowed. ‘I would not spoil those precious memories for anything.’
She turned to leave.
‘Rose.’ His voice was harsh.
She turned, expecting to see anger. His expression was tortured.
He had risen to his feet, his hands clenched at his sides. His eyes were fixed on her face again. ‘Rose,’ he said softly. ‘If I promised to do better, will you stay?’
Startled, she could only stare. He wanted her to stay? Her heart leaped, driving the breath from her throat.
‘Rose?’ He came around the desk, holding his hands out for hers.
Reason overcame her joy. She whipped her hands behind her back. ‘I cannot.’ She shook her head and backed away. She would not stay as his mistress. One day soon he would marry. Must marry. She would not be able to bear parting from him again. She just wanted him to be happy. To be himself.
‘I love you, Rose,’ he said hoarsely.
‘No.’ Not this. Not now. ‘You are a duke. You cannot be with someone like me.’
