Page 47 of Hell In A Handbasket
“Babies happen because of sex, Charlie! S. E. X. I can’t explain that to a five-year-old.”
“No. You can’t. And you didn’t. But you’re still okay.”
“I wasn’t as prepared for this as I thought I was!” she groans. “I thought looking after her for a night or two meant… ya know. Feeding her! Putting her to bed and holding her hand till she fell asleep. I thought it meant braiding her hair and drawing rainbows and watching cartoons. I didn’t realize it meant answering those kinds of questions!”
“Well… I don’t know if you know, but being her parent doesn’t magically grant me fountains of wisdom and readiness, either. I’m hardlyeverprepared for the shit she throws at me. I just take each day and do my best.”
She sniffles.Thump. “Really?”
“Really. Granted, you got it especially rough, considering you’re on day one and already hit with the hard stuff. But I guess I just want you to know that I’m winging it all, too. There’s no manual that gives me all the answers. There’s no genie that helps me along.”
She whimpers. “But you look like you know what you’re doing.”
“Ifeellike I’m fucking it up every single day. I couldn’t even tell her about Jada dying. I needed Minka to help. I couldn’t explain heaven. Minka did that, too. I couldn’t figure out how to help her say goodbye. The funeral director led that discussion. And I sure as shit can’t look after her completely on my own, which is exactly how you’ve ended up locking yourself in my bedroom while she watches cartoons.”
“God.”Thump. “I’m the worst.”
“Raising amazing, kind, empathetic, beautiful little girls like the one I’ve got takes a village. You’re part of my village, Sera. So is Archer. And Minka. And Penny. And Lord help me, Cato, too. But you’ve been tossed in the deep end this weekend.” I look down at my feet, still wet from the lake. “You’re not the worst. In fact, I think you’re pretty fucking amazing.”
She sniffles.Thump. Then she clears her throat.Thump thump.
“My daughter is lucky to have you in her life.”
“My mom never braided my hair. And she never held my hand.” She pauses for a beat, but I see her in my mind. Her long, trim legs pulled up, kind of like mine are up. I see her delicate shoulders popping, her collarbones too exposed, because of how she’s curled on the floor. I see painted nails and terror in her eyes. “She hardly even spoke to me unless it was to tell me how fat I was. Or stupid. Or plain disappointing.”
“She was wrong. On every front. But especially the last.”
“She took great pleasure in crushing my soul in the palms of her hands. But I take pleasure in the way Mia draws patterns on my palms with the tips of her fingers.”
This.
This is why.
“I love your daughter, Charlie. But I don’t knowhowto be the things she wants me to be.”
“And yet, you’re already doing so well.”
“Charlie—”
“She’s not asking for a parent, Sera. She’s not asking for anything exceptyou. Whoever you are, however you come. She’s asking for you to be shamelessly genuine in everything you do, becausethat’swhat she wants.”
“She asked me where babies come from,” she groans. “My butthole has never puckered so freakin’ fast!”
I bark out a cathartic laugh, and leaning back, I lie on the grass and look up at the tree that gently sways in the breeze. “Kids’ll do that to you. She’sconstantlygot me in fight or flight mode. I think I’m doing okay, I get comfortable and reasonably confident in my parenting abilities, and then BAM! She slams me with something unexpected and sends me right back to the starting line. The whiplash is cruel.”
“You worry that you’re screwing it all up?”
“Every single fucking day. And I’m not even a regular single parent, Sera. I’m a homicide cop. That means I leave her in the middle of the night sometimes. Or I miss dinner and bedtime routine. Sometimes—too often—I come home with someone else’s blood on my shoes. And she notices.” I close my eyes and exhale. “Jesus, she notices. There are single parents out there who get to be home with their kids. They get to show them consistency and normalcy, and they never have to explain death. I go to bed alone and lie there, night after night, worrying about what kind of damage I inflicted on her that day.”
“The pressure is stifling,” she whispers. “It’s terrifying.”
“Mmhm.”Is it too much? Does she want to quit already?As new dread settles heavily inside my chest, I open my eyes and swallow. “This was a lot to ask of you, I know. A whole overnight. A whole weekend, maybe. And losing Jada is still fresh, which means Mia is especially clingy. If you…” I bring my free hand up and massage my aching heart. “If you need to walk away, it’s okay. I won’t blame you, I promise. Just give me a ten-minute warning so I can figure out a backup plan. Get Penny over there or something…”
“I’m not going anywhere.” She exhales a gentle sigh. “I won’t bail on her, Charlie. I swear. I just needed to tell you about my screw up.”
“You didn’t screw up.” Licking my lips, I reach up and run my hand through my hair. I try to imagine Sera and Mia right here with me. The fun splashes of the water, games played, and battle cries that denote a war within the lake. The fun kind. The silly, playful kind. “Screwing up would have been telling her how men have penises and women have vaginas, and when you mix the two, sometimes semen and eggs?—”
“I got it.” She bangs her head again. “You don’t have to explain it to me.”
