Page 24 of Off Script
“Trevor’s right, man." Jordan sighs, looking unnaturally serious. "You can’t let your fear stop you either. You can’t refuse to live because you got hurt in the past.”
I stiffen upon hearing Jordan’s words. My first instinct is to deny the validity of his statements, but I recognize I’m uncomfortable because his words are right on target.
I may blame my hesitation on my career, but my real hesitation is that I 'm afraid of getting hurt again.
Kelsey hurt me in the worst ways possible, and the hardest part of our breakup is that I can’t completely cut her out of my life. On the rare occasions that I see Kelsey, it resurrects all the feelings I've ignored, and I’m forced to act like her duplicity didn’t break my heart into a million pieces and forever alter my life. To combat the mix of emotions I feel when I see her, I’ve erected strong boundaries to protect myself, so that she won’t have an opportunity to hurt me again.
The problem with that defense is that once those barriers are constructed, it’s hard to knock them down for anyone else.
Since we broke up, I haven’t been on a real date. I’ve had one-night stands and been on a few dates set up by my publicist, but they were each clearly identified as such with no hope of it developing into anything else.
But Carlisle makes me want more.
Later that afternoon, I sit in my agent’s fancy new office building admiring the floor-to-ceiling windows with views of the Pacific Ocean while I impatiently wait for Jada to finish up with a phone call. Strumming my fingers on the script that I cradle in my lap, I feel apprehensive.
When I read the script, I fell hard for the role of Martin.Losing Loveis the story of a grieving husband whose wife, Elaine, is dying of an incurable disease. It examines the differing ways the couple handle Elaine’s health crisis, specifically the aggressive avenues Martin pursues to prolong Elaine’s life despite her desire to live out her remaining days without medical intervention. Martin loves Elaine so intensely that he can’t fathom life without her. However, as the story unfolds, his motivations spiral selfishly out of control as his need for her to live begins to consume him, burning down everything in his path, including their marriage.
It’s one of those stories that continues to haunt me long after I finished reading it because it left me questioning my own understanding of love and what I would do if I were ever in Martin’s shoes.
If I was lucky enough to love someone as much as Martin loved Elaine, how far I would go to be with her?
And why do I automatically think of Carlisle when contemplating that question?
“Sorry about the hold up, Ben,” Jada apologizes after returning her office phone's receiver to its cradle. “Jo finally got you to read theLosing Lovescript, huh?” she says, as she leans back in her chair, assessing my posture. “I could tell from your email that you’re interested.”
“You were right. This is my next movie, Jada,” I emphasize my words by pointing at the script in my lap. “Do whatever it takes to make it happen. Adjust my points, cut my salary. Whatever it takes.”
“I haven’t seen you this excited about a project since you got offered the role inSuspicion.” She eyes me speculatively. “You know I’ll do everything in my power to get youLosing Love, but I’ve heard through the grapevine that the director already has someone in mind for Martin. Nothing has been signed yet though, so we still have time, but we need to tread carefully and quickly.”
I nod, pondering the dilemma. I’ve been working exclusively with Studio 67 for my past six films. They’ve been sending me new scripts for the last several months, confident that I’ll continue working with them. To jump ship now and actively pursue a script with another studio puts me in danger of burning bridges in an industry with long memories and even longer lasting grudges. When Keanu Reeves turned downSpeed 2, he didn’t work with that movie studio again for over a decade.
But I really want this movie, and Studio 67 didn’t win the film rights toLosing Love. It’ll be necessary to cautiously orchestrate moving to another studio, so that I don’t lose favor with Studio 67 completely. Luckily, it's Jada's job to work that out, not mine.
“I’ll do whatever necessary,” I promise. “I want this one, Jada. Badly.”
“Your success inSuspicionandEye of the Beholderhave proven that you have the acting chops to take on dramatic roles, but you still need to prove that your star power is great enough to be a big box office draw. It will help our case ifCaptain CommanderandTruly, Madly, Deeplyboth perform extraordinarily well next month.”
“I understand.”
"Do you?" Jada raises her eyebrows. “I’m serious, Ben. I need you to court the press. Interviews, photo shoots, paparazzi pics in tabloids, whatever. I won’t let you turn anything down.” Jada stares at me hard, imprinting the importance of her words. “As Becky says, it’s a domino effect. The more buzz about you, the more buzz about your movies. The more buzz about your movies, the better the bottom line at the box office. The more money your movies make, the more power you wield within the business.”
I want the role inLosing Lovemore than I’ve wanted one in years, and now with a well-established acting career, I finally have the power to fight for this role. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Even if it means selling a part of myself—my privacy—to land the role.
A short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain.
“If that’s what it will take to land this role, then I’ll agree to additional media coverage.”
“That’s music to my ears, Ben.” She smiles. "Several Lyonsfilms execs will be at my party tonight, so make sure you chat them up and make a good impression."
"Will do," I agree.
"Oh, and Willa is attending tonight too."
"I figured since you represent her too. It'll be good to catch up. Haven't seen her in a while."
When I return home from my meeting with Jada, I check my phone to see if Carlisle texted me back yet. She still hasn’t responded. Her silence hurts more than I expected.
But her silence and withdrawal have made me realize that I’m willing to risk getting hurt in order to explore what I could have with Carlisle. I’m no longer satisfied with keeping her on the periphery of my life.
