Page 81 of Off Script
Of course, I know the score, as Ben put it. How could I not?
It’s insulting that Ben even felt the need to verbalize that. Not to mention how painful it is to be reminded that I’m Ben’s dirty little secret. The woman he fucks behind closed doors while he publicly courts another woman in order to further his career.
At a loss, I stay quiet. Our relationship is new, and he’s been working to get to this level of professional success for years, so I feel guilty even wishing that he’d fought harder not to participate in this arranged PR relationship with Willa. Which is pointless since that ship has long since sailed, but it makes me fear that he may always put his careerabove me and our relationship. While I understand coming in second on his list of priorities now, I don’t want to be relegated to second place forever.
As if privy to my inner monologue, Ben immediately apologizes. “Shit, I’m sorry, Carlisle.” Ben drags a hand through his wet, fresh from the shower hair.
I heave a sigh. “I hope you know I’d never talk to the media. Never. Obviously, I know to stay out of sight too.”
Out of sight, but hopefully not out of mind.
Ben rubs his hands up and down my arms, comforting me. “I know, babe. I trust you implicitly. Becky has everyone sign nondisclosure agreements. The masseuse, the delivery driver, the gardener. But because I trust you, I never asked you to sign one. I don’t need an NDA to know that you’d never betray me. You know that, right?”
With eyes downcast, I nod.
There’s a lengthy pause before he continues, “I think it’d be best to avoid following the entertainment news. The press is about to have unfettered access to Willa and me. I don’t want the increased publicity to upset you. Just remember that anything you see between Willa and me is acting. We’re each playing a role, and it’s merely another aspect of our jobs.”
“Are you though? Acting with her and she with you?” The words leave my lips before I can retract them.
My mind wanders back to the cast party at Ben's house. I caught Ben watching Willa while she and Thad flirted several times. I asked Ben about it, but he brushed me off. Curious and a little worried, I paid closer attention to Willa’s behavior towards Ben, and I noticed that she often watched Ben from afar too. It could have been harmless or even coincidental, but it seemed like more. The look on Willa’s face while she tracked Ben with her eyes… it concerns me.
As much as Willa claims not to harbor any feelings for Ben, I sense that there’s something lurking under the surface. Something more potent and dangerous than friendship.
Ben’s head rears back as if I punched him. “How can you ask that, Carlisle?” His voice is low and rough, clearly offended by my insinuation. A muscle ticks in his jaw. He turns away from me and walks the length of the balcony. “I understand that this is a fucked-up situation, but I’m trying so hard to make you feel secure in our relationship. What more can I do to assuage your worries?” He looks both melancholy and agitated. “Whatever it is, I’ll do it. I don’t want you to ever doubt my feelings for you.”
Filled with remorse for my insecure and impulsive outburst, I race towards him, not wanting the emotional distance to fester between us. I grab his shirt and pull him into me. “No, I’m sorry! Ben, you’ve done everything you can to make me feel cared for and loved. It isn’t you I’m worried about. It’s just…” I trail off, taking a deep breath. “Every now and then, I get a sense that Willa is into you, that’s all I meant. I trust you. It’s Willa who I’m not sure I trust.”
Ben smooths my hair back from my face. “Babe, Willa is a fantastic actor, one of the best. I promise that there’s nothing between us. She just knows how to turn it on for the cameras and make it look real.”
I want to believe him so badly. “Ok. My emotions are getting the better of me this morning because I’m sad that you’re leaving.” I lie my head against his chest berating myself for voicing my fear and spoiling what little time we have left together. “I’m sorry. Truly.”
“This isn’t how I wanted us to leave things, babe.”
This isn’t how I wanted to leave things either. Maybe it’s my insecurity winning or my paranoia that the other shoe is waiting to drop, but I can’t shake the feeling of dread that lies within me. Although Bendismissed my fear that Willa has feelings for him, the kernel of doubt remains, taking up space in my head and my heart.
I hope I’m wrong.
An abrupt knock on the hotel room door signals that Ben’s ride to the airport has arrived.
Immediately, his mouth finds mine. One of his hands holds the back of my neck, angling my face up towards him, while his other arm snakes around my waist. He’s holding me so tightly that the air is forced out of my lungs, and even though it feels like I’m drowning, I never want this kiss to end.
I want to memorize every minute detail of his kisses. What he tastes like. How he smells. How his lips feel pressed to mine, assertive and demanding. How his stubble chafes my skin and causes it to sting in the most tantalizing way. How my heart beats faster and my pulse begins to throb between my legs.
How I can’t ever get enough of him.
There’s a second, more insistent knock on the door and we break apart. Feeling dazed, I follow him to the door, desperate to spend every last second with him. Ben reels me into his arms, and I go willingly, feeling the prick of tears behind my eyelids. I cling to him, fervently wishing that I could stop time and stay in this moment forever.
Pulling back, he cradles my cheeks in his hands and leaves me with the most loving and tender kiss. Then he opens the hotel room door as I watch him walk away, but before he enters the elevator, Ben turns and blows me a kiss. Forcing a smile, I grab it from the air and clutch it to my chest.
But that light-hearted moment doesn’t ease the heaviness that has settled in my bones this morning, this deep ache in my chest that feels like I'm not whole when Ben is away from me.
28
Ben
Settling into my seat on the private plane, I pull out my phone to text Carlisle and I find two waiting texts from her already. One apologizing about our disagreement and a second one that makes me nearly groan aloud.
CARLISLE
