Page 121 of Life and Death
“Good enough?”
“Better than that.”
She laughed. I stroked her hair. That seemed careful.
“It’s so strange,” she said. “You read about something . . . you hear about it in other people’s minds, you watch it happen to them . . . and it doesn’t prepare you even in the slightest for experiencing it yourself. The glory of first love. It’s more than I was expecting.”
“Much more,” I agreed fervently.
“And other emotions, too—jealousy, for example. I thought I understood that one clearly. I’ve read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand plays and movies, listened to it in the minds around me daily—even felt it myself in a shallow way, wishing I had what I didn’t. . . . But I wasshocked.” She scowled. “Do you remember the day that McKayla asked you to the dance?”
I nodded, though that day was most memorable to me for a different reason. “The day you started talking to me again.”
“I was stunned by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt—I didn’trecognize what it was at first. I didn’t know jealousy could be so powerful . . .so painful. And then you refused her, and I didn’t know why. It was more aggravating than usual that I couldn’t just hear what you were thinking. Was there someone else? Was it simply for Jeremy’s sake? I knew I had no right to care either way. Itriednot to care.
“And then the line started forming.”
I groaned, and she laughed.
“I waited,” she went on, “more anxious than I should be to hear what you would say to them, to try to decipher your expressions. I couldn’t deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t know what your answer would have been, if I’d asked. . . .”
She looked up at me. “That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew wasright, moral, ethical, honorable, and what Iwanted. I knew that if I continued toignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would find someone you wanted, someone human like McKayla. It made me sad.
“And then”—her voice dropped to an even quieter whisper—“as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you’d woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The emotion that coursed through me then was unnerving . . . staggering. And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer.”
She was quiet for a moment, probably listening to the uneven pounding of my heart.
“But jealousy . . . it’s so irrational. Just now, when Charlie asked you about that annoying girl . . .”
“Thatmade you jealous. Really?”
“I’m new at this. You’re resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it’s fresh.”
“Honestly, though, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Royal—male model of the year, Royal, Mr. Perfect, Royal—was meant for you. Eleanor or no Eleanor, how can I compete with that?”
Her teeth gleamed and her arms wove around my neck again. “There’s no competition.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Tentatively, I folded my arms around her. “Is this okay?” I checked.
“Very.” She sighed happily. “Of course Royalisbeautiful in his way, but even if he wasn’t like a brother to me, even if he didn’t belong with Eleanor, he could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me.” She was serious now, thoughtful. “For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours . . . all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”
“It doesn’t seem fair,” I whispered into her hair. “I haven’t had to wait at all. Why do I get off so easily?”
“You’re right,” she agreed. “I should make this harder for you, definitely.” Her hand stroked my cheek. “You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, surely that’s not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity . . . what is that worth?”
“I’m not feeling deprived.”
She turned her face into my chest and whispered, “Not yet.”
“What—” I started, but then her body was suddenly motionless. I froze, but she was gone, my arms wrapped around the empty air.
“Lie down,” she hissed, but I couldn’t tell where she was in the darkness.
I threw myself back on the bed, shaking the quilt out and then rolling on my side, the way I usually slept. I heard the door crack open. Charlie was checking up on me. I breathed evenly, exaggerating the movement.
A long minute passed. I listened for the door to close. Suddenly Edythe was next to me. She lifted my arm and placed it over her shoulders as she burrowed herself closer to me.
“You’re a terrible actor—I’d say that career path is out for you.”
