Page 47 of The Other Mother
As she disappears around the corner, one thought cuts through me, if Eva isn’t mine… is she Mara’s? They told Mara her baby died. If that were another lie, then whose baby am I raising?
And where is my child?
25
ADAM
SUBJECT: RE: INTAKE FORM 2A.
My fingers hover.
Delete.
New draft:Claire, I can explain.
Delete.
There were no good choices. That is what I tell myself when the house goes quiet.
The office smells like sawdust and printer ink. My desk is a mess of bid packets and inspection reports with coffee rings stamped into the corners. I should be working on a drainage change order that is already two days late. Instead I am staring at a blank screen while the cursor blinks like a metronome I cannot shut off.
Legal Admin sits in my autocomplete. The address fills itself in as soon as I type L. The subject line wants to finish too. Intake Form 2A. I do not type it. I watch the suggestion fade.
I think of Claire out back this morning, talking to thehummingbird like it could give her answers. She looked small in my sweatshirt. The sleeves cover her hands when she pulls them into the cuffs. She is sleeping less. When she does sleep, her mouth stays tight, like she is bracing for something bad.
The baby monitor app is open on my phone. I don’t remember when I opened it. The blue bar at the bottom says “live.” The crib is empty. The bouncer is not. The baby breathes soundly and her hand twitches. The camera glows red in the corner like a pilot light.
I try again.
To: legaladmin@…
Subject:Clarification request on 2A timeline
Body: Need to confirm whether the authorization window applies retroactively to?—
Delete.
I rub my eyes until stars float. My head feels like concrete that set wrong, hairline cracks under the surface. If you look at the slab from the street it is fine. If you stand on it long enough you can feel the give under your feet.
I try my email to Claire again.
Subject: Can we talk tonight
Body: I did not know it would be like this. I thought it would help. I thought it would keep you standing. There were no clean options. We were not going to make it through the winter if…
Delete.
I try a different approach.
Subject: Please read
Body: The thing at the hospital, the forms, the signatures, it was not about replacing anyone. It was about keeping you from going under. I saw you in that bed. I heard you begging. I have not stopped hearing it.
Delete.
I do not send anything because sending means the paper trail moves from my head to the world. Paper trails become evidence. I build houses for a living. I know what inspectors look for: nail spacing, bolt patterns, and things you can point to and say, here, this is where it failed.
There is an old habit I hate. When a crew is in over its head, the foreman writes a note to himself that says, “temporary support” and nails it to a stud. It makes him feel better. Like putting a name on fear gives it structure. That is what these drafts are. Temporary supports. Studs without anchors.
