Page 31 of Elegy of Twilight
“Maybe she went to help. . .” I began.
Edith glanced at me before curling up on the bed like we had when we were young. She patted the side, inviting me to join her. The threads of a lifelong friendship tugged at me, and I went to her side,tucking my dress beneath my legs as I leaned against the pillows.
Edith propped herself up on an elbow, her vivid eyes roaming over my face. “Something’s wrong, I can tell.”
Instead of hiding, I held her gaze, feeling my anger burn away like the morning mist under the heat of sunshine. Words clogged my throat, unable to escape, but the truth lay on my tongue, so heavy I needed to spit it out.
Tears swam in my eyes, and I blinked, my question a half-sob. “How do you know?”
Edith hesitated, picking at the threads of the blanket. “I’ve seen you sneaking out of the garden after dark.”
I pressed a hand against my mouth, blinking harder. Despite my secrecy, my actions had been discovered. Who else aside from Edith had seen my transgression? Two nights ago, had she seen me kissing Titus in the shadows? If so, she must know how quickly I’d broken my vows and that I might be the cause of Faith’s death.
I bit my bottom lip and decided it was now or never. “I. . .Edith, this is a deeply personal question, but I’m struggling with an issue, and you might beable to help me. You see, I know about you and Captain Elroy.”
A small cry escaped from Edith’s lips.
I plunged onward. “How is it possible? Don’t you feel conflicted about forsaking your vows and sneaking around without the knowledge of the High Priestess?”
Edith’s lips trembled. Now it was her turn to look away. “How did you find out? I thought we’d been so careful.”
I paused to think. The first time I’d snuck out to see Titus, I’d seen male and female shadows so close they were almost kissing. They had to have been Edith and Captain Elroy. “I went to speak with Captain Elroy, and the door to his chambers wasn’t fully shut. . . I shouldn’t have trespassed, but I had an urgent need.”
Edith peered back at me, her eyes wide. “Of course,” she murmured half to herself. “You aren’t telling me this to blackmail me but because you’ve fallen in love, haven’t you? And those nights you’ve been away were when you snuck out to meet him. After nightfall, oh Lucia, how dangerous.”
I nodded, shaking a tear loose that slipped down one cheek. Using the back of my hand, I brushed it away, already relieved at admitting part of the truth. “I’m conflicted, Edith. My heart sings when I’m with him, but as soon as I return here, the weight of guilt threatens to crush me. When I’m with him, I feel so alive, and when we are apart, I can’t stop thinking about him. But he’s all wrong for me and dangerous. How do you handle the weight of guilt and the conflict, especially when he’s so close?”
Edith wrapped her fingers around mine and squeezed. “I’m sorry, Lucia, it doesn’t get any easier. At first, I felt conflicted, as if I were giving into lust. But love taught me many things. If what you have is true and right and pure, and if it is love, it will make you a better person. The High Priestess teaches us about love, what it is, and what it isn’t.
“Love isn’t selfish or intent on self-gain, and it is love that forced me to change for the better. Elroy. . .I mean, Captain Elroy and I each have personal wounds—you know about my fear of abandonment—but when we fell in love, we started to heal. Even though I took up vows to live a life focused on serving others, my heart was closed because of fear. I misunderstood the words of the High Priestess and believed that love would lead to temptation and death, but now my heart is open, and I can pour into the children who come here to learn and listen to those in pain who need my healing touch. Love hasmade me whole and complete. In fact, I wouldn’t be able to serve the way I do here without it.”
I opened my mouth to interrupt, but Edith held up a finger. “I know what you would say, that our vows require us to remain pure and celibate, giving up the aspects of this world that would distract us. Namely, physical pleasure. But the vows guide our actions and our focus, helping us become better people by serving this village, this slice of heaven on earth. I do my duty, and Elroy does his. We protect the abbey in different ways, he with the sword and I with my healing herbs. Yes, there are restrictions, and at times, I feel conflicted about sneaking around. I doubt that will change, but the High Priestess, as kind and intentional as she is, wouldn’t understand how deeply love can change us for the better. Know that you have a choice. You are loved here, and I didn’t leave because everything I desire is right here. You will have to make the same choice. That doesn’t mean you have to stay at the abbey. Despite making a vow, you choose to serve the people, and that vow is not a rule that binds you; that vow sets you free.”
“Are you sure? You sound so confident and. . .free.”
“Think about our vows and the words. We vowed to focus on faith, purity, upholding the truth, andserving others. To abstain from pleasure for the sake of pleasure. But love is not anything of those things. It is truth and faith and purity, and it makes us better people. That revelation is one you’ll need to discover for yourself, but I have shared my truth. It’s up to you to discover the rest for yourself.”
I pressed my lips together, my mind spinning. “In your case, yes. Captain Elroy is upright and a good man. In my case, the man in my life. . .he’s. . .dangerous.”
Edith leaned closer, eyes bright with curiosity. “Who is this man?”
Shouts from outside disrupted our conversation. Edith and I glanced at the window, and the words trembled on my lips. I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t want to be forced to make a choice. The abbey was my home. I wanted to stay right here with my sisters, and I wanted him, but he had no place among the living. It was impossible, and telling Edith would force my choice, and I didn’t want that. Not yet.
The shouts came again, louder. Edith scooted off the bed and drew back the curtain. She gasped. “Looks like they’ve caught him.”
“Caught who?” I asked, joining her.
It was dark outside, but the burning torches theknights carried lit the way. They dragged a captive toward the garrison, and even though they’d put a hood over his head and bound his hands and feet, he still struggled, causing the uproar below.
My legs collapsed, and I sank onto the floor, my mind reeling. They’d lied to me to keep me safe, going to capture the vampire king tonight instead of in three days. And Edith, had she been sent here to throw me off the scent, to keep me blind to what was going on?
At last, the knights had captured the monster we all feared, but I didn’t feel grateful. I wanted to drop my head into my hands and sob for Faith, for Titus, and for myself. None of this should be happening.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I accused.
“What are you talking about, Lucia?” Edith sounded confused and concerned.
I studied her, reading the truth on her freckled face. “You didn’t know they were going to capture him tonight, did you?”
