Page 70 of Tastes Like Watermelon Moonshine
“I’ll wait as long as you need.”
Chapter 34
Austin - The Present
Ahandwavinginmy field of vision startles me from my stupor. “Austin, what are your thoughts?”
“Sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” I scrub a hand over my tired face. I’m sitting in Bible study with Josh, Jared and a few new guys. Some days I miss it just being the three of us, but this is iron sharpening iron. We all have different backgrounds and views, so the varying perspectives are a nice change.
Jared’s heavy hand settles on my shoulder. “We’re all here for you, man. Tell us how we can pray for you.”
I’ve tried my best to keep my emotions locked down. They don’t need to be displayed for everyone. There are times where I don’t even want to tell Raegan what I’m feeling, but we’ve agreed to no secrets. And I’m doing my best to stick to that. It’s just more than I can grasp at times that Raegan is back in my life, that I have a little girl who loves me, and that God doesn’t see the mistake I made when He looks at me.
“Whether you choose to share or not we’re always praying.” Josh is more open than I am, and he’s always concerned for us. Even though he carries some pretty heavy burdens himself. Rachelle had another miscarriage not long ago, and even though I wasn’t there to experience pregnancy with Raegan, I can’t imagine losing a baby before they’re born. To watch your wife hurt and not be able to do anything about it.
Josh looks at each of us individually. “From the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. I know some of us have big things on our plates. God has given us these trials, these responsibilities; because of how much care and attention we’ve shown in other areas. Don’t look at these trials as bad things, as obstacles. These are given to us by God, because we’ve proved that we’re capable. But we’re only capable because we trust Him.”
The guys and I all nod in agreement. How much am I trusting God? Am I trusting Him enough to stop dragging my badge of sign of guilt? I’ve held onto it, treated it like it was a part of me. But it’s not. It’s gone. Washed away by Christ’s blood.
I sit lost in my thoughts as the other guys talk and eventually leave. I’m sitting there staring at my open Bible before I realize they’re gone and it’s just Josh and me. We sit in silence for a bit before Josh speaks up. “How are things with Raegan and Grace?”
“They’re good…” I smile thinking about Grace’s newest words and antics “I never imagined being a dad at twenty. It’s just not easy being apart from them. Not that I know what it would be like to be married, and all that. But I’m sure you don’t like being apart from Rachelle during away games.”
“With her being two hours away, your life is like a long string of away games. And away games suck when you’re a family guy.” Josh leans forward on his elbows. “I get it man. I want nothingmore than to be with Rache. But I love baseball, and from what I can see right now, this is where God wants me.”
I nod. Josh and Coach both have the same outlook on life. The same ability. To always point things to God. Josh’s perspective and advice have helped to solidify that God has a plan for me. I just struggle sometimes with not being able to see that plan.
“I hate being apart from Rache, but man, I love these Bible study times with you and the guys. And if I had some other job, I probably wouldn't be able to have a Bible study.”
“Why did God give me this load to carry? You don’t have to answer me. But, why me?” I finally say aloud the words I’ve been thinking.
“‘The one who is faithful in a very little thing is also faithful in much;’ Luke 16:10.” Josh quotes.
“But I wasn’t faithful. I disobeyed God. How have I shown that I’m capable of these responsibilities? I haven’t even had a relationship with God for all that long, especially one where I viewed Him as my Savior, not just a being who made everything, but here God is heaping all these relationships and responsibilities on me.”
“You went to Him after you slept with Raegan? Sought Him in prayer?”
“Yeah,” I say with a grimace. I went to Him not with a humble heart, not to seek forgiveness at first. I was mad at Him.
“Do you think sometimes that’s all God wants? Us seeking Him? If we change immediately, how much impact did that trial really have?”
I guess it makes sense. I know trials make us more like Christ… But I don’t like trials. Not that I would trade the trials I had, or the outcome, for an easier relationship or life. But I just don’t get why God picked me.
A verse from our recent study in Isaiah pops into my mind.“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I adjust my ball cap and shift in my seat. “Each time I talk with you, I understand a little more about God’s plan. But man,” I smack my palm on the table. “I wish I could see those plans sometimes!”
“But then wouldn’t you ask God to change some of them? Make it all easier?” Josh raises an eyebrow.
I screw up my face. “Ya got me there. I would. I would probably tell God that His plan was too difficult. Or that I didn’t like it.”
“But He’s the creator. So, He knows better, right?” I feel challenged. But it’s a good thing. “He's got a plan for you Austin. Don’t doubt it. Just keep on trusting. One foot in front of the other on the path that He’s put you on.” Josh pushes his chair away from the table. “I’ve got to go now, but I’ll catch you later at practice.”
I get up and follow him out. “See ya then.”
My next stop for the day is the gym for my game day conditioning routine, but first I’m going to see if Raegan is available for a quick phone call.
I stretch, reaching down towards my toes, my legs spread wide. I know some of the guys purposely stretch with their backs to the crowds because they enjoy the attention. I choose to face the fans, my backside view is for one woman only; once we’remarried, that is. I chuckle, thinking back to when Chrissy and Jaimie dished on Raegan's secret love for baseball pants.
