Page 79 of A Crown of Tears and Treason
“Wait.” I struggled to stand up in bed, surprised. My heartbeat drummed in my ears. “You’re worried aboutme?”
“Who else? Adara, who took down twenty Serpents without breaking a sweat? Kaya, who Vexa would die protecting? Goose and Leesa, who’ve grown up on these streets and know every nook?” Each question brought him closer to the bed, until he stood at the edge, looking down at me. “Or the stranger who can’t fight against assassins and who I’ve warned against goingoutside the palace grounds unescorted in what she callsenemy territory?”
“I’m sorry.”
Zandyr stiffened. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What?”
I rolled my eyes, standing up on shaky legs. Even upright, Zandyr towered over me. “I said I’m sorry. Not because it pissed you off. But I need to apologize. To Adara, Kaya, Vexa, Leesa, and Goose.Isuggested we all go donate the food.Iput them in danger.”
A small part of me whispered that it was good we’d gone down to the docks and survived as a group. Leesa and Goose had wanted to go alone, with whatever food only the two of them could carry. Who knew what could have happened in the chaos.
All I’d wanted was to help. A simple delivery to prevent anyone else from being forced to count their protruding ribs while falling asleep like I had. But what if Adara had been hit while fighting? What if Kaya had tripped and had been stomped to death?
“You snuck out to bring food?” Zandyr asked, incredulous.
“Yes.” I squared my shoulders. “I found out about your evacuation plan.”
“From who?”
“What matters is that I didn’t hear it fromyou.” My words shook with accusation. “How could you keep this from me? I’m as much to blame for the Serpents attacking as you are.”
“How couldIkeep something fromyou?” Zandyr pulsed with fury. In the blink of an eye, he bridged the gap between us. We were only a breath away from each other, and his shadowy gaze rooted me to the spot. “You want to start talking about things we’ve hidden from each other?”
“Yes,” I hissed.
“Very well.” There was that jagged smirk again; it couldn’t bring anything good. “Let’s talk about how the first few words you’ve ever spoken to me were a lie.”
I shook my head, confused. “I didn’t lie.”
Zandyr’s smirk hardened. “You obliterated two Serpents. I stepped over their charred remains to get to you. Magic is drumming through you. I can smell it.”
My shoulders deflated.
I had. I’d seen what my power had done to them, the husks they’d turned into. There was an echo of guilt in the back of my mind, both for them and the three who had been sticking out from underneath the bell in a tangle of limbs frozen at grim angles.
But I’d also caught glimpses of the children escorted out of the temple with gentle, hushed encouragements. I’d heard the elders’ canes clinking away.
I truly didn’t regret it. Either I stopped the attackers hungry for blood or they murdered innocent civilians.
That didn’t mean their deaths hadn’t left a scar on my soul.
They hadn’t been innocent.
Neither was I now.
Zandyr kept looking at me skeptically.
“I didn’t lie,” I repeated. “I can’t control whateverthatis. It’s only the second time anything like this has happened.”
“It won’t be the last,” he said with absolute certainty. “That kind of power doesn’t lie dormant for long. They already want to kill you because of who you are. Don’t let them hunt you down for what you could dobeforeyou can command your magic enough to make them regret ever coming after you.”
“You think I planned this?” The kind of power I had could make me an even bigger target, I had to control it to protect myself and others. I tilted my chin up. “Why didn’t you tell me about the evacuation?”
“Because there was nothing you could do about it. Only I could give the order.”
True–and hurtful. I didn’t have power over this Clan I would lead in the future. At least not yet. “That doesn’t explain why you didn’t mention it.”
“Because I know what it’s like to want to act and be unable to.” His eyes burned into mine. “It haunts your dreams and your waking moments. You can’t look in the mirror without wanting to smash it just so you won’t see your reflection again. It eats you from the inside.”
