Page 81 of A Crown of Tears and Treason
Without saying a word, Zandyr reached out to the tray of food Goose had hastily brought in and picked up the bottle of wine. He grabbed my hand, fingers twisting with mine. The sudden, gentle touch dragged me from whatever depths of despair I’d hyperventilated to and jolted me back to reality.
This wasn’t a caress meant to find the truth. It was meant to bring comfort.
Slowly, he guided me toward the window overlooking the garden, washed in the crimson luster of the sunset. I let him.
“I don’t know the Protectorate rituals of mourning,” Zandyr said, voice gentle and smooth, all his fury vanished. “Here, we drink together. One for me.” He took a swig of the wine and tilted the bottle toward me. I grabbed it with shaky fingers and brought it to my lips. The sweet, tangy liquid coated my tongue, easing some of the burn in my throat.
“And one for those who have passed.” Zandyr tilted the bottle out the window. Once. Twice. Plum colored liquid splashed down onto the ground below, spraying the thick leaves.
My parents hadn’t been drinkers, at least not for as long as I knew them, and they would have hated seeing me next to Zandyr. But they’d appreciate being respected, even in this small way.
“I’m sorry about your parents,” Zandyr said, surprising me again. “But you didn’t kill them.”
“No, I didn’t.” I hadn’t been the one to incapacitate them and slit their throats. Gods knew what dark magic had been required to tame the great Mara and Falor Vegheara.
“No,” he said sternly. “You are not responsible for your parents’ deaths. It was not your fault.”
“I–” The lie could have slipped easily from my tongue.I know. That’s all I needed to say and get the focus off me and my mistakes and this deep, slashing guilt.
But right here, right now, after we promised only the truth, with the sweet evening breeze flowing through my hair, and Zandyr’s fingers still wrapped around mine, sending shivers up my arm and down my spine…I couldn’t. “I hope I’ll believe that one day.”
“From the little you have told me, I suggest you ask your cousins about how Protectorate warding spells work.”
I nodded, dread throbbing in my chest. It seemed ridiculous, but it felt easier to admit what I’d done to Zandyr than to my cousins. He hadn’t called them aunt and uncle and hadn’t ridden on their shoulders as a child.
The truth was finally out in the open.
I couldn’t hide it anymore–and I didn’t want to. If I knew how the wards worked, I could discover how the assassins had found me. With Fabrian, there was no revenge to be had anymore. His guts were fertilizing Santua Sirena.
But I wouldn’t rest until I found those three men.
“Parents are complicated creatures, aren’t they?” Zandyr went on. He was no longer looking at me, gaze roaming lazily over the back garden. “Some can have a very selfish kind of love.”
I nodded once more. My parents’ love had been exactly that. Selfish.
“You can hate and love them at the same time.” His voice lowered to a mutter, as if speaking to himself.
Did I hate my parents?
I knew I’d loved them at one point. I’d also resented the way they made me work for the crumbs of love they gave me. Even now, I felt ashamed because I didn’t admire the very ground they’d walked on, as they so stubbornly wanted me to.
I could finally breathe through all those wretched emotions.
Of not being good enough for them, detesting them for making me feel like that, and desperately wanting them to not see me as a burden.
“Mara and Falor Vegheara should not have had children,” I said in the stillness.
We both faced the night slowly descending on Phoenix Peak. Perhaps that’s what made these miserable words flow from us, pretending only the silent moon was our witness.
“Zavoya and Eldryan should not have been king and queen,” Zandyr said, shocking me. Right here, right now, he was committing treason. “They have too much power and didn’t use it when it mattered most. I won’t make the same mistake, especially when it comes to you.”
“I was protected to the point of madness.Thatis the mistake you need to prevent with me.”
He simply nodded.
Zandyr’s hold on my hand grounded me. The heartbeat in his fingers beat against mine, echoing each other.
“I married Fabrian to save my cousins,” I muttered. “And to get revenge for my parents’ deaths. I thought he’d sent the assassins who murdered my parents, but I should have known he wasn’t capable of such a complex plan. I don’t know who’s responsible, but I’ll find them.”
