Page 167 of A Dagger of Ice and Intrigue
“I’ll never see him again.” The ache tumbled out of my mouth, just as it had his. Only mine was raw and unhinged, soaked with tears and shame, whereas his had been coated with guilt, yes, but had been the kind of suffering time had scabbed over.
“I know.” Another step.
“I–” Gulps of air weren’t enough to fill this growing void inside of me, which I’d avoided for too long. “I–I lost my dad. He’s dead.”
Sobs spidered all over my back.
My skin felt on fire, a million stings crawling underneath my skin.
It didn’t feel enough to cry.
I wanted to roar.
I wanted to blaze myself away from this life and stop feeling, because it hurt so damn much.
“He left me alone.” I managed between sobs. “He left me all alone and I can’t–I can’t deal with this, it’s too much. I can’t–”
Suddenly, my caving body was engulfed in a warm embrace that smelled so different than the sea and parchment of all the hugs I’d received back in Aquila. Its scent of pine, leather, and embers jarred my senses with their newness and intensity, but still felt oddly comforting.
This wasn’t the first time his arms had coiled around me, both to save and to savor. But this was the first time I felt I wanted to receive it and delve into it. Not out of fear or lust.
Because it felt right.
His body held mine up, not because I was caving. But because he was there, willing to share the burden of my anguish. He didn’t shy away, he didn’t vanish.
He was there.
And I collapsed into him.
Not like a warrior or the feared Huntress.
Only a daughter who’d lost too much.
I cried my heart out against his uniform, tears, snot, and body tremors, in all my glory.
Ryker only held on tighter, letting me spill out all the ugly which had been festering inside me.
“I miss him,” I kept on saying, like a melancholic lullaby. “And it feels like I miss him more every single day.”
“I know,” he whispered against my hair.
How ironic. Before we’d entered the crypt, I’d imagined he was the one who needed comfort. Yet here he was, giving it to me.
“I can’t–I can’t escape seeing him in my arms. Dead. The blood, the mist, the sound of the wind in the olive leaves. It haunts me, day in and day out.” I sucked in a shuttered breath. “And I blame myself more and more for what happened.”
Ryker’s soft, welcoming embrace changed instantly. He leaned back and gently tilted my chin up, gaze searing me.
“What happened wasn’t your fault,” he said.
“If I was the target all along…” My lower lip wobbled. “Then it was my fault.”
“Listen to me,” he said fiercely. “You’re a force of nature, but nobody sets up an attack of that magnitude for one person. They came there tokill. As many, as fast, and as horrible as possible.”
As morbid as it was, I wanted to believe.
Ineededto live without that guilt inside of me.
“We won’t know for sure until that strange cousin of yours brings you whatever you asked for from Aquila, yes?”
