Page 206 of A Dagger of Ice and Intrigue
The shadow of Waden’s betrayal slithered in the room, suffocating all my bliss.
I fought the memories and the dread slowly taking over me, as fiercely as I did in battle.
But, in the end, I lost.
Chapter
Forty-Four
ALLIE
“These buckthorn biscuits work best with juniper tea and I added a little satchel of it in your bag,” Mrs. Thornbrew said, pointing at each cloth-covered bundle she’d readied for me. “The red one has the smoked deer jerky, don’t go one hour without eating a strand, the crater saps all of your energy if you’re not careful. Got it?”
“Yes.” I didn’t get it. Not fully.
Because my thoughts kept racing to last night and how I’d made an absolute mess of such a wonderful moment.
“At least you won’t be alone out there.” She stuffed all the bundles into a leather satchel, the same one she’d given all the warriors already gathered near the fortress entrance. “No hunting unless absolutely necessary, you have all the food you need here.”
I gripped Dax’s palaver book closer to my chest. I wasn’t going anywhere today without it. “I’m not a cold-blooded killer.”
Mrs. Thornbrew raised her brows, eyeing the bow and quiver strapped to my back.
“I don’t hunt when the mood strikes, only when I need to,” I protested, voice louder than it needed to be. I was tired, pissed off–at myself–and much too frantic to check myself.
I’d also been dealing with this ridiculous idea for as long as I could remember. Just because I could take down a wolf pack when they got rabies or a deer when children hungered didn’t mean I liked taking any life.
I was just very, very good at it.
“Calm down, dear. I was only pointing out it’s not hunting season. The moms are getting ready to grow pups in a few months, we leave them alone until next winter.” Mrs. Thornbrew gave me a curious once-over. “You must have had a tough night.”
No, it had been amazing and wonderful and perfect until I fucked it up.
Even now, I fought against the cold chaos crawling underneath my skin. It whispered in my ear to just lay down and close myself away from the rest of the world while this ache passed. My shoulders tensed at the smallest sound, eyes darting around to find the new danger.
The logical side of my brain knew I was being ridiculous. That I was safe and nothing–absolutelynothing–bad had happened.
But the old wounds wouldn’t let me believe in this new reality.
Harsh whispers echoed in my ear, more menacing than the crater’s voices.
I’d felt safe before, hadn’t I?
Deliriously happy and looking forward to a bright future.
Perhaps not as seen or understood as I did now, but my heart had opened up.
Then it had been trampled by that tramp Waden and his blonde friend.
I thought I’d risen above this pain, but losing so much in such a short time had picked at that scab and widened the wound.
My body hadn’t been able to handle this much betrayal and now saw it everywhere, even in the arms of a man who’d done me no wrong.
I knew I was panicking–felt the frenzy boil in my stomach and endured it rattling against my bones and inside my skull.
But I couldn’t stop the dread from soaking my mind, no matter how many deep breaths I took or how I wrung my fingers to free myself of this pitiful state.
I paced between the warriors giving me curious looks. I deserved them.
