Page 84 of Keep Your Guard Up
Each time I saw her, the version of me when he was near.
Each time I saw us, the invisible thing I deemed the love of a lifetime.
“Lynnie?”
I didn’t answer, just swallowed deeply. The knot in my throat refused to clear, and within seconds my eyes followed suit.
“Mari?” JJ asked, a hand on my shoulder. “Marilyn?”
The tears fell over of the edges of my eyes.
“I’m not fine, JJ,” I croaked. “I’m not fine at all.”
Chapter 46
Mari
“You alright, dear?” Nan asked JJ, hushing her voice.
I kept my eyes closed, not ready to face the world just yet.
“Yeah, I’m all good. You should head off. I’ll make sure she gets home,” JJ replied, the hand on my shoulder giving a reassuring squeeze.
“You let me know if you need anything.”
His body lightly shook from the nod I assume he gave Nan.
The door closed with a click, and he let out a sigh. I did too, cracking an eye open enough to see that the training space lights had been turned on, the office lights off.
It must be night.
I closed my eyes once again, still able to feel the puffiness of them.
When JJ had bent beside me, he’d caught me quickly in his arms when the sobbing started. The ugly, loud cries that I’d choked on.
‘Let it out, Lynnie. Your big heart needs it.’ He’d told me.
That seemed to be true, since I’d woken back to the world with that hollow, numb feeling. As if I was all out of emotions, all out of energy to even feel the hurt anymore.
“I-I’m falling for him, J,” I’d sobbed.
It had been a lie, a truth I had tried to twist on myself.
I was already in love with him.
“You could have tossed me on the couch,” I mumbled, opening my eyes to my best friend. “There’s no way that was comfortable for you.”
I sat up, waiting for some kind of mocking, bantering comment to come my way. It never did. JJ eyed me, giving my face a once-over before stretching his arms out in front of him.
“You needed it,” he said, shrugging.
I stayed sat on the floor when JJ jumped up and began packing my desk away, tossing certain things in my bag and certain things in my drawer. He cleared away the packing peanuts, as well as Paige’s photos.
“I need to take some of that stuff home to do on the weekend,” I said. I opened my phone camera and saw the puffy bags beneath my eyes had subsided, sending some of the little red veins in my eyes away. My eyes were still bloodshot, still red and puffy from the tears I’d tried so hard to swallow.
“Stop beating yourself up. I can see you’re hanging shit on yourself for crying before. Stop it.” He wasn’t scolding me, just bringing me back to reality. “I’m covering for you this weekend.”
“JJ, it’s okay. I can work.” I tried to reason with him, but to no end.
