Page 61 of The Red Zone
Inhale.
I tried to suck in a deep breath for four counts. Close my eyes, hold it, and then exhale for four counts while repeating my internal mantra.
I am calm. I am cool. I am collected.
I am calm. I am cool. I am collected.
Continuing to repeat the phrase in my head, I placed a hand against the wall to steady myself as my breathing became increasingly more sporadic. My chest grew tight, then tighter, until I was gasping for air despite trying to maintain deep, slow breaths.
Okay, five things I can see… my sparkly shoes, the tile floor, various sized boxes poorly stacked on top of each other, the light switch by the door, and the circular light on the ceiling. Four things I can touch… the blue ruffles on my dress, my diamond earrings, the wall, and the door handle. Three things I could hear… people chatting outside, someone’s cell phone going off in the distance, and pop music from the sound system blaring through the speakers from the main event space. Two things I can smell… cleaning supplies and hairspray. One thing I can taste… the green tea I had a few minutes ago.
Taking in a few more deep breaths, I finally felt like I could breathe again.
The last time I had a panic attack was a few months ago in the grocery store parking lot. Anxiety was weird like that. Sometimes it flared up at the most random, inopportune times.
Inherently, I knew the stress of the business struggling was taking a toll on me both mentally and physically. These days, unless I slept over at October’s place, I had trouble sleeping. Eating took far more effort than it usually did.
When I gave into Scarlett’s idea and approached October about this whole fuck buddy situation, I knew deep down that I just needed something—anything—to help take my mind off of my life imploding around me for a little while. I never intended for it to be anything more than a one-time fling, but now, I craved the simplicity and relief I felt whenever he was around.
It was almost like I allowed myself to let my walls down, giving him access to the ugly, damaged parts of me because he was never going to love me anyway. As fucked up as it might be, it was comforting knowing I could be the truest version of myself around him because in the grand scheme, it didn’t really matter.
Tears welled in my eyes, threatening to break free any second.
How did I let this happen?
Why was I stupid enough to think this was a good idea?
My first industry appearance in nearly two years. Of course—of course—Gordon would come here if not for any other reason than to dispirit me.
Throw me off my game.
Hit me with one final blow before blacklisting me forever.
As hard as I tried to keep my tears at bay, warm droplets began sliding down my cheeks. How had I been so naïve?
My chest shook as I pushed out a ragged breath.
Fine. I was completely fine.
Inhale.
Nothing was wrong.
Inhale.
Not a single thing.
Inhale.
My breath caught in my throat when two knocks struck against the door. “March, is that you in there?”
At the sound of his voice, my world went still and without a second thought, I dropped my head into my hands, letting the guttural sob that was stuck inside escape from my throat.
TWENTY-ONE
OCTOBER
“Go away.”Mae’s muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door. Deliberately ignoring her, I rattled the doorknob.
