Page 30 of Keep My Secrets
“Hey, baby, sleep well?” I ask. Her eyes closed gently as I kneel down to be on her level. Her head nods gently against my hand.
“Are you doing ok today?” I fucked up yesterday and got ahead of myself. While we did talk about hard limits and safe words, we never discussed aftercare. This wasn’t the first time we fucked, and I had an idea of what she likes after sex, but last night was intense, and while she didn’t complain, I need to do better.
“Mhmm.” She is still quiet.
I walk around and sit down on the couch, pulling Aria into my body. She snuggles in under my arm and pulls the laptop back into her lap, and opens her emails. I watch as she responds to a few from what I assume are other interns. But then a new email pops up as a notification at the top of her screen.
Luxury living in the city: Thank you for your application
She applied for an apartment? When? This morning? Did I push her too far? We discussed hard limits. I checked in, and she never pulled the safe word.
Did I ask too much?
Did I miss a sign?
Why wouldn't she have told me?
My body tenses as the rush of questions float through my head. She must notice, she looks over her shoulder at me.
Her confusion evident. I pull my arm away and stand up. My fingers run through my hair as I try to replay every check-in.Did I not hear her correctly? Did she say something I missed?She didn't pull away during after care.
I start pacing behind the couch. My body needs to find a release from all the anger now flooding my veins. How could I be so reckless? How could I hurt her on the first night I really had her?
Did she think it was aftercare for her, or was she giving me more of what she thought I wanted? I have tried to make her feel so safe, but why did she not feel safe enough to tell me to stop? I plant my hands on the kitchen counter and drop my head before picking up and throwing a glass at the marble backsplash.
Aria is intently watching my every move. She’s folding in on herself. I saw this happen the other night. When she realized she had been roofied and didn't know what had happened. She was scared and started to shut down, and now she is doing the same exact thing. Except this time, it's my fault. I pushed her too far last night, and now I'm scaring her. Bile rises in my throat. I did this.
“I’m sorry.” I'm not trying to scare her. I want to protect her, but I didn't protect her from myself.
“Daddy?” Her voice trembles the slightest bit.
“I’m sorry. I am not angry with you, baby. I am so sorry,” I plead.
“What happened?”
“When are you moving?” I ask, defeated. I don't want to lose her, but I'm not going to force her to stay somewhere she doesn't feel comfortable.
“Moving? Do you want me to?” Her shoulders drop, her tone heartbroken. She pulls my full attention.
“No.” I shake my head. “Never.” I walk over to her and kneel down, putting my face below hers.She doesn't want to move?
“Why did you apply for an apartment if you weren't planning on moving?” My gaze flicks back and forth between both her eyes.
“While you were gone, I was scared that when you came back, you would have changed your mind. Or that you will in a few weeks or months. I wanted to see what I could qualify for on my own so that when you do want me to leave, I'm not starting from nothing.” She hides her face behind her hands.
“Baby…” I coax gently to get her to look at me. I place my hands on her legs, grateful for any contact. “I will not change my mind. If you ever want to leave, I will do everything in my power to set you up so you won't have to worry. But I will never ask you to leave.” She lets a single tear fall. I slide my thumb across her cheek, wiping it away.
“I am sorry if I have not made that clear.” She nods. “Next time you have any type of concern about us, come to me. Talk to me.” She nods again.
I walk back and sit down on the couch, pulling her against me.
“Was the thought of me moving what made you so angry? I didn't mean to, I’m sorry.” Aria begins to curl in on herself again. She is so scared of doing something wrong. She doesn’t want to give me any excuse to push her away. I need to be careful with her right now. While she may saygreen, I need to be the one to make sure I'm not pushing too far. It’s not consent if she is only doing it because she is scared of what would happen if she says no.
“Yes, but it's not your fault. I got so angry for letting myself push you too far, or missed signs that you needed something from me that you didn't get.” Taking a deep breath, I continue. “I thought I hurt you, and that was why you were pulling away and leaving. I was mad at myself for not protecting you.”
“You didn't do anything I didn't consent to. I never pulled red.”
“Did you want to?” Bracing myself for the answer, my hands tense, gripping the loose fabric at her waist.
