Page 38 of Keep My Secrets
My eyes drop to my hands. “I-I don't know.” I close my eyes and drop my head.
“Can you tell me what happened?” He doesn't force me to look at him. He isn't commanding me to tell him. He is asking.
“There were things you didn't deny,” I whisper. “I want to trust you, but?—”
The accusations my mother made they can't be true. I am sure some things lined up, but if you draw enough linesanywhere, they will eventually form a picture. The thoughts begin to gain traction again.
He's lying. You can't trust him. What if your mom is right?
My breaths start to get shorter. The air around me gets thicker.
“What can I do?”
“I nee-need the thoughts to stop. I need to know I can trust you,” I practically beg. Another tear falls from my eye.
Theo pulls me into his chest, placing one arm around my back and his other hand cradling my neck. I can feel the rise and fall of his chest as he holds me against him.
“Come here, I have an idea.” He lifts me into his arms. I wrap my arms over his shoulders and my legs around his waist, a position we find ourselves in often. The familiarity is comforting, but the worry that I can't trust him doesn't settle.
He leads us to his room. He closes the door behind him, something he doesn't do often. When the only people in the house are us, there isn't really a need for privacy. He wants to shut out everything but right here and right now, with him. There is nothing beyond that door worth a second thought right now.
He sits me on the side of the bed. Kneeling before me, he slides my robe off.
“I want to help you turn those thoughts off. Is that ok?”
I want them off. I want it all to stop. I want Theo to take control and put me in a space where the only thing I hear is him.
I only nod, giving him permission.
“Lay back, hands up.” I slide further into the bed and do as I am told. I watch as Theo pulls a set of soft restraints from the bedside table. Once he secures my wrists in the cuffs, he attaches the cuffs to the bedframe.
“Do you remember the first night I restrained you?” He walks to the couch at the end of the bed, giving him a perfect view of me.
“Yes.” I immediately flash back to the night in Texas, when he used a tie to bind my hands.
“Tell me about it.” He leans forward, putting his elbows on his knees. He isn't sitting back and watching. He is holding himself back, making sure he is giving me what I need.
“I had just had your cock in my mouth.” I swallow. “You fucked my face until you came and then wanted to watch me touch myself.” My core tightens at the memory, and all the times we have been in a similar position begin flashing through my mind. I swallow, trying to find words to describe it.
“Then?” he asks, encouraging me to continue.
“I did as I was told. You were watching me and I wanted to gi-give you a show, so I started playing with my nipple.” Warmth rises in my core. He lifts his gaze to me, watching me again, but this time it's different. That time it was fun and new. This time, there's so much more behind it. “You told me to stop, or there would be consequences.”
“Did you stop?”
“No. I pulled harder. So you took away my hands.”
“And?”
“You used me how you wanted.”
“Why did you let me do that?”
“I wanted it.” I did, I wanted him to find his pleasure however he wanted to with me. I wanted to be a tool for him to use.
“And you trusted me?”
“I did.” Theo drops his head again at my wording.
