Page 13 of In For a Penny
I’ve been trying to write this letter for quite some time now—ever since I found out you were leaving the country and starting a new life in London. Every time I would begin to put pen to paper, though, nothing would come out. The words never seemed to be right.
I don’t know how to adequately express how I’m feeling or how to say goodbye, but I’m out of time—tonight’s the last time I’ll be seeing you for a while. I’m not a writer, Penny. So please don’t take offense if this isn’t the most romantic thing you’ve ever read. I’m trying.
Penny, I love you. First and foremost, I should say that. I. Love. You. Please always remember that.
Second, I want you to know that I am so incredibly proud of you, Penny. You’re doing it. You’re going on your own to another country where you don’t know anyone, and you will be entirely out of your comfort zone. I don’t know if this is something you would have done if we had stayed together, but it’s something you need, babe. Something we need. And you’re going to be fantastic.
Third, and I think most importantly, please don’t be sad or try to miss me too much. Don’t get wrapped up in us and our separation too much that you can’t grow from this and experience new things. I love you, and I want you to succeed in this new chapter of life.
You need this time to mature, and I need this time to organize myself and figure out how to grow professionally so I can take care of us and our future.
Enjoy London and school, and take care of yourself.
Love,
Austin
I refold the letter and stuff it in its envelope.
I’ve read this letter for what feels like a million times and have always found it incredibly romantic. And now? Viewing it with this new lens of doubt? I feel like it’s empty. This is not a romantic, ‘See you soon.’ This is a regurgitation of the alleged reasons for why he broke up with me. And it sucks.One thing that he wanted me to take with me, and he gives methis?I feel like crumpling up the whole thing and throwing it out my window.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I’ve been holding on to this man and imaginary future for over a year, but none of it was real. It was all one-sided. I’ve come all the way to London to prove to him that I can be a grownup. That I am mature enough to be on my own. That I am building something for our future and my career. I am doing all this for us when he is essentially sending me away but trying to keep a foot in the door if he changes his mind. And I am the love-sick idiot who fell for it.
I start bawling. The feeling of shame and regret is monumental, and I can barely stomach it. I feel used and abused. I feel tricked into believing that I meant more to him. I feel like our entire relationship was meaningless to him when it had become everything to me. I would have done anything to save it and even agreed to his bullshit plan to do it.
Suddenly, all my plans start crumbling down like buildings in an earthquake, shattered and unrecognizable. What am I supposed to do now? Where am I going? What does my future look like now?
For the longest time, my future looked like Austin and me working in New York, living in Westchester with three kids. I’d probably work at a foundation or other philanthropic society while he ran his father’s business. All those late-night talks in bed where we had planned what our lives would look like make me feel like such an idiot that I want to laugh for days and cry for months. I feel like all we talked about was our future together, and I knew exactly what it looked like. And now, for the first time ever, I find myself absolutely lost.
I start hyperventilating and get in the shower, hoping the steam from the water will help open my airways and the heat will calm my suddenly tense muscles.I feel relieved that Allie isn’t here to witness this Defcon 1 breakdown. I can’t handle a Friend Pep Talk right now. I just need to feel it. Feel the pain. I need to let all of this sink in.
Once I’m out of the shower, I feel a bit better. I put my hair up in a towel and tie my robe around myself. I don’t bother putting on pajamas again. I slip into bed just like that and cry myself to sleep.
What am I supposed to do now?
