Page 89 of In For a Penny
I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.
I thought he wasn’t caring for you the same way I was. I spent all night terrified, making sure you were okay, trying not to be too overbearing. But I’m pretty sure I failed, because I could see it in your eyes.
And then you went home with him, and it was like all my skin was on fire, Penny. I swear. I was half rageful, half scared that you’d end up together.
I knew he was in a relationship, but I didn’t know how you felt about him. You spent so much time together, for all I knew you could have had feelings for him. So, I completely overreacted. It was obviously all because I was jealous and not because I was disappointed in you. You’re your own person and are allowed to do whatever you want with whomever you want, but in that split second, I was so mad you were with someone other than me.
It was like someone had torn my heart out of my chest and I was bleeding internally.
Or like I was on fire.
Or both?
I don’t fucking know anymore, Penny. I don’t know what I’m saying.
All I know is that I haven’t been able to sleep since then because I can’t believe I was such an idiot, such a moron. I had no right to say the things that I did.
I used to lie awake at night, scared that I would lose you as a friend if I ever told you how I felt about you, that you’d run in the opposite direction because you didn’t feel the same way or weren’t ready for the commitment. It was literally my worst fear to live without you in my life.
Now I know that worst fears can be topped. You leaving me because I love you sounds like a walk in the park over you leaving me because you hate me.
I can’t stand it, Penny.
I’m so sorry I hurt you. You have no idea.
I wasn’t thinking.
I can’t sleep.
I’m so tired.
Please forgive me,
Josh
I frown, remembering that day, how hurtful his reaction to the news of me and Oliver had felt. How he’d made me feel cheap and how angry I was at him. I guess I had to have known on some level that he had feelings for me, because I was definitely nervous to tell him. Andof courseit had been out of jealousy—Josh would never have truly meant those things. He’s not that type of guy.
His next letter is short, neat, determined.
Dear Penny,
Having you hate me is unacceptable. I miss my best friend, and I think I found a way to earn your forgiveness. I just need Oliver’s first.
Love,
Josh
My breath catches in my throat. It’s the first time he uses the word love. I sit up, cross-legged and start on the next letter. It’s dated a few weeks ago, days after we reconciled.
Dear Penny,
You forgave me, and now we’re back to being friends again.
And I’ve accepted that that’s all we’ll ever be.
I can’t do this anymore, Penny. I can’t keep entertaining thoughts of us being together, of you finally realizing that we care about each other in more than a friendly way.
I’m so scared. I literally lie awake at night, indecisive, wondering whether I’m doing the right thing by not telling you about my feelings for you. Sometimes we have these moments where I think that we could do this, we could be together, but then I see you doing shit like sneaking out of class with Oliver to do God knows what, and I think, ‘She’s nowhere near ready for anything serious,’ and it’s just not fair to me. Not that I blame you. I blame myself. I’m doing this to myself.
