Page 36 of Fall Into You
I laugh dryly once. “Excuse me, what?” I raise an eyebrow at him. Who the hell does he think he is? “I—”
“No. I saidIget to talk first, because you walked away, so you don’t get to say anything right now.” He pushes by me into my apartment, leaving me speechless. I reluctantly close the door and place my phone on the table by the door. I don’t need it anymore. He’s not here to kill me—though I might end up killing him.
He stands in front of me with his hands on his hips, exhales once, and looks me straight in the eye.
“I’m not gonna sugarcoat anything or waste any more of our time here,” he says, and I gulp nervously. “I want to be clear about what I think and how I feel, so here goes.” He squares his shoulders in front of me as if preparing for battle. His green eyes blaze, looking determined, showing me that he is a man on a mission, a man who doesn’t want to give up but knows it’s time to do or die.
“You’re a runner, Liza,” he says simply. “You freak out, and you run to avoid getting hurt, and you end up never giving anyone a real, honest-to-God shot. And it needs to stop because I don’t play like that anymore. Contrary to what your brother believes, I am not a player. I haven’t been one in a while, and to be honest, I never really liked the games.
“I care about you a lot—I’ve made that really fucking clear to you on several occasions. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to hook up with other women. I want to be with you and only you.” I feel a thrill like electricity shoot through my entire body at his words, the sensation lingering in my chest and the tips of my fingers, making me want to desperately reach out and touch him, just a little bit, just for a while.
“Itoldyou I was ready to commit to this and come out to everyone, and you said you wanted to chase this first, to make sure it was real before telling anyone. And I respected it. I understood because I thought it was about your brother and wanting to avoid a fight with him in the event that none of this led to anything. Then, we went through the whole necklace thing, and you said it was because you were superstitious.” He scoffs and shakes his head. “You kept making excuses, and I bought them, taking your word. But now, after what happened tonight, I realize that your whole problem with us has been aboutyouand how you feel.” He points at me. “Your whole deal is that you can’t handle what this is.”
“Mydeal?” I scoff, trying to distract myself from how having him here in my apartment makes me want and feel. I think about when he pulled me into his arms and held me as we swayed gently in my bedroom to soft music. “This has nothing to do with me beingscaredor with being arunner, because I’m not. It has everything to do with the fact that I caught you and Kelly cozying up to each other while you thought I was still in the bathroom.” I feel my skin flush, heat crawling up my neck to my ears. The thought of her hand on his arm fills me with a jealous rage that I’ve never experienced in my life,and I fucking hate it.I hate that he makes me feel so…so…so much.
He shakes his head and takes a step closer to me. “No, no, no. Because if you weren’t scared shitless, you would have at least walked up to me and told me off, and I could have explained to you thatshewas coming on tomeand that I brushed her off. I would have explained how I told her that I was there with you, and I was not interested in her at all. We would have cleared up this entire misunderstanding in a couple of minutes, and then we would have been able to continue to enjoy the party. Instead, you decided to walk away without even saying goodbye.”
I cross my arms in front of my chest and shrug. “I just wanted to avoid a public confrontation,” I say nonchalantly, as if everything he’s said so far has left me unaffected. But there is some truth to his claims. We haven’t known each other that long, and already I feel really strongly for him, which really scares me sometimes. It makes me fearful of how much it would hurt months down the line if he ever really did cheat on me or leave me. “I realized that I was wrong and that you’re still that same guy from six years ago, walking a different girl out of your apartment every morning.”
“You’re just making excuses,” he says, narrowing his eyes at me. “You know I’m not like that anymore. You know it’s different with you, and it always has been since day fucking one!” He stomps his foot in frustration. I know he’s right. Matt has only ever shown me kindness and understanding. He’s never once treated me like a hook-up—not even during his darkest days in med school. “Iknowyou care about me, and Iknowyou’re freaking out because of it. Because you never once felt this way before about anyone. Because your stupid professor never made you feel the same way. Never made your skin ache, fuckingburnfor anyone like this.” He runs his fingertips over my arm, barely grazing my skin, sending shivers up and down my spine. “Never made you feel crazy but like everything finally made sense at the same time. No other person in your life has ever made you feel so fuckingunhinged.” My breath stutters, and I shut my eyes. His cedar scent is overpowering, and I feel myself losing the will to resist him. He’s so close I can feel the heat of his body on mine. I dig my nails into my arms, doing my absolute best to keep myself from reaching out and running them down his chest.
“And do you know how I know that you feel all of this, Liza?” His lips are at my ear now, beard tickling the delicate skin of my neck, whispering in a low gravelly voice. “I know because I feel the exact same way about you.” He places a hand on my waist. “All I ever fucking think about anymore isyou. All I want is you, Liza.” He grips me tighter. “I’ve never felt so physically, emotionally, or intellectually attracted to someone.” I let out an involuntary whimper, and I pray to God he didn’t hear.
“I fuckingwantthis. More than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.”
I swallow the knot forming in the back of my throat and shake my head. He lets go of my waist and loosens my hands from across my body, taking them gently into his own.
“Fine. So I’m scared,” my voice cracks. “So what? It’s all your fault! Before, I thought that being in a relationship meant being with someone like Jeremy. We would go out to dinner, he would say I looked nice, we’d eat, and then go home. There was no passion, no can’t-get-you-out-of-my-head, thinking-about-you-nonstop. It was stable and calm—but not in a good way. Honestly, I thought that’s what a relationship looked like, because it was all I had ever experienced.
“And thenyoushow up with your stupid pulling out my chair for me all the time, and bringing me water before I even ask, and being so fucking thoughtful with your cute pumpkin flowers, and building my furniture, and the dancing, and standing up for me, and…” I exhale, trying to relieve some of the pressure building up in my chest. “It’s just too much, too fast, Matt. It’s just…so much,” I say in a small voice, overwhelmed by the sudden flood of emotions I feel coming on. My heart is racing in my chest, my breathing already ragged, because he’s right. Matt is completely right. I’m scared—terrified, even—because I know what true loss is, and I don’t want to ever have to relive it. I know now that losing him would be nothing like losing Jeremy. What I felt for my ex isn’t even a small fraction of what I feel for Matt. Not having him in my life anymore would be devastating, soul-crushing, and I think that I’ve had enough of grief for now, thanks.
My words hang between us for a few moments as he gauges my body language. I can see his mind racing, see him trying to solve me like a puzzle, see him trying to find a way to salvage this and come out winning, making me fall for him just a little more.
“I don’t know what to say,” I say finally.
He lifts a shoulder. “You need to tell me whether you want this or not.”
I take a deep breath. “It’s not that simple.”
“It really is.” He stares me down. Eventually, he groans and runs a hand down his face before saying, “I’m willing to stick to our earlier agreement of not telling your brother yet.ThatI totally understand. But when it comes to this”—he points back and forth between the two of us—“I want full commitment. I want to know whether you’re in or you’re out. Because I am in. I am so fucking in, Liza. There is no doubt in my mind that I want you—mind, body, and soul. It all just comes down to whether or not you think you’re brave enough to handle it.”
He stares back at me, wide-eyed, and I don’t know what to say, what to answer. I want to be with him—I do. But what if it hurts? What if he gets tired of all my little idiosyncrasies and leaves me? Or what if we spend a lifetime together, and then I’m left a vacuous being, desperately alone because the person I loved the most is gone? Am I strong enough to take a chance on love? Either way, I’m going to lose him—whether it’s in a couple of months because it doesn’t work out or in fifty years after having grown old together.
Matt looks like a man balancing on the edge of a building, so close to falling into the abyss, trying desperately to find his way back to safety. I can tell he’s trying so hard not to push me harder, not to beg and ask me to take this chance. I realize how big of an idiot I’ve been tonight, pushing him away, when he’s shown me time and time again that I can count on him, even during his darkest days.
It really is about me being scared, about me being afraid of losing him and being left heartbroken, alone. But he’s here, taking a chance, putting everything on the line and being so brave it makes me melt, taking on the same fears. If he can do this for me, I can do it for him, too? Right?
“Will you help me? Will you help me through any freak-outs and not get frustrated with me when I get insecure and neurotic?” I feel my bottom lip tremble, so I bite down on it.
Matt gives me a hopeful smile and squeezes my hands in encouragement. “I can’t promise you that I won’t get frustrated by your insecurities or neuroses, because that’s just unrealistic. But I can promise you that I will be there, every damn day, reminding you just how much you mean to me.” He raises his hands to cup my face. “Because you meaneverythingto me, Liza.”
His lips come crashing down on mine, and the wave of relief I feel at the contact is instant and visceral. “Everything,” he whispers against them just before he slips his tongue inside, tasting me, claiming me, showing me how much I can depend on him.
He lets out a groan, deep in his chest, as he brings one arm tightly around my waist while his other hand slides into my hair, holding me to him. I moan, clutching the lapels of his jacket, holding on as I literally go weak in the knees. The heat in my belly is back, the ache, the need between my legs crying out, urging me to get this man naked and to do it now. My heart feels full, feels like it’s about to explode.
I want him. I need him. Ilovehim.
The reality of the depth of my feelings for him hits me like a truck. How can I feel so much so quickly?
