Page 52 of Fall Into You
But Imissedher. I missed her, and we’d only been at her house for a few hours, and the thought of going to bed in a damp, cold basement without her was just too much to bear. I want her with me always. I guess, last night, I didn’t care enough about getting caught so long as I got to spend the night with the woman I’m in love with.
But we almost did get caught. Danielle had to bail us out—again. I see now how stupid and irresponsible it was to turn off my alarm instead of hit snooze, telling myself I wouldn’t fall back asleep and that I’d be able to sneak off in time. She was just so beautiful, asleep in my arms, warm and soft, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave her. And…if I’m 100% honest…I really couldn’t have cared less in that moment if they’d caught us in the throes of something more. I was just lying there, looking down at her, thinking about how I’d have to endure another fucking day of pretending, and for one split second before falling back asleep, I thought,Fuck them and fuck this.
In that moment, it felt like the right thing to do. And now, after our stupid morning fight, I just want to take it all back. I don’t want to spend the rest of the day feeling this way, like I messed everything up. I didn’t mean the things I said. I was just frustrated and scared.
And I want to tell her that. I want to apologize and talk to her, tell her the truth, but by the time I finish showering and get dressed this morning for breakfast, everyone is already seated at the table, eating. When I arrive to the dining room, everyone turns to look at me and says good morning except for her. Liza’s eyes are stuck on her French toast, concentrating deeply, cutting it into precise pieces.
She looks so sad and won’t even look at me. I have to sit next to her all through breakfast, feeling her warmth on my side, smelling her coconut scent, and not being able to say anything. I try to reach out at one point, to hold her hand under the table in silent apology, but she pulls it away from me, excusing herself to start cleaning up.
I’m miserable and uneasy, trying to hide the fear and sense that things will soon come to an end, that I should be preparing myself for a life without her. I don’t see this going much further, to be honest. I don’t see her fighting as hard as I am. I know she loves me, but does she love me enough to overcome her fears?
I don’t want to fucking be here anymore. I’m hurt and upset and just want to get back to the city, to my apartment, and sulk. I feel like I’m two seconds away from snapping, losing absolute control over everything. I’m exhausted from doing my best to hide my frustration, and I’m clearly failing by the looks of Danielle’s face every time she shoots a glance in my direction.
After breakfast, the women retreat into the kitchen to start prepping everything while Vinny, the twins, and I play in Catterina’s backyard. I’m trying to be cheerful Uncle Matt, but I’m having trouble concentrating here. We’ve been playingMickey Mouse Clubhousefor almost two hours, but I can’t get into the whole hot-dog-diggity-dog of it all.
I decide to make up a medical emergency so I can leave and go back to New York, because I think that my presence here is just making things worse. I’m just about to stand and go to the bathroom, where I intend to come back saying that unfortunately there’s been an emergency with one of my patients and that I need to leave, when Catterina comes out into the backyard.
“Matt,amore,” she says. “Would you mind going to the supermarket and getting a few things for us with Vinny and the twins? I know you’re going through a hard time now, but we need you to go with my son.” She looks at me intently, and my eyes widen. She couldn’t possibly know, could she?
I need to get outta here.
“Actually, Catterina, I was just coming to find you because—”
“I don’t know what happened between the two of you since you arrived,” she leans closer and whispers, interrupting me, “but don’t leave just yet. Whatever it is, you can fix it. I’m sure of it.”
My jaw drops. I knew Catterina was supportive about theideaof us being together, but I wasn’t aware that she knew it was actually happening.
“Did Danielle—”
She shakes her head with a soft smile on her lips. She looks so much like Liza it’s insane. They both have the same perfect smile, full lips, and dark-brown eyes—though Liza’s have more gold in them, more to get lost in. “Danielle didn’t say anything. We just talked about how good you looked together when you were here last. I realized you must be seeing each other, because it was incredibly obvious the second you arrived last night—I don’t know how my son hasn’t noticed.” She snorts.
“I don’t know what to say except that this hasn’t been about sneaking around for me. I know Vinny has…opinionsabout the type of guy that I am…” I feel my cheeks heat. “But it’s not like that with your daughter, I swear. I care about her.”
I’m frustratingly in love with her.
She smiles and pats my hand, holding it between both of hers. “One glance at the way you look at her, and no one could doubt that. I can see you love her.” I inhale a sharp breath. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen her this happy—with the exception of today, of course.” I wince.
“I don’t know what you two are fighting about, but it will be okay. And when it comes to my son, don’t worry about him. Once you sit him down and explain, he’ll come around. But you two have my support. Ever since his father passed, he’s had this impression that he’s the head of the household now.” She scoffs. “He doesn’t seem to realize that this is an Italian family, and in Italian families, it’s the women who are in charge.”
The relief I feel is immediate. The weight on my chest has lightened, and if it weren’t wildly inappropriate, I’d wrap my arms around this small woman with the accent and kiss her on the forehead. Instead, I tell her, “I don’t know how to thank you. For…everything. Having me here and for your support. It hasn’t been easy,” I admit.
She shrugs and smiles. “Love isnevereasy.” I remember that was exactly what I told myself back in October, before Halloween. She hands me the shopping list and walks away saying, “Don’t forget to get therightkind of cranberry sauce,” over her shoulder.
“DUDE, THAT’S THE WRONG ONE.”I take the can of cranberry jelly from Vinny and put it back on the shelf.
“What’s the difference?” He picks it up again and dumps it into the cart. I pull it out and put it back on the shelf for the second time.
“Your mother was very specific. I don’t want to upset her,” I say. I have somehow won her over, and I am not going to do anything to risk losing her approval. It might not matter to Vinny, but Catterina takes her food seriously, and there is no chance I’m going to bring back the wrong kind of anything when she specifically asked me not to.
I ignore him, scanning the shelves for the right one. I pull the right brand from the Thanksgiving-themed shelf at the supermarket, and Vinny snorts.
“What’s up with you? You’ve been acting weird all day. You look…I don’t know. Depressed?”
I sigh, pulling two containers of fresh cranberry sauce from the shelf and placing them gently in the cart next to the extra marshmallows. “It’s nothing,” I mutter. “Just a little anxious, is all.”
“Hey, I, uh… I know it must be tough to spend the holidays without family. But I hope you’re not having a horrible time.” He looks so uncomfortable, scratching the back of his neck, and my jaw almost drops. This is as deep a conversation of my feelings that we’ve ever had. It’s not that our relationship is superficial, because it’s not. But we are careful to steer clear on the topic of absent parents, both dead or alive. It’s a lot to handle for the both of us.
I realize he must think that my overall depressed demeanor might be interpreted as me missing my father or being disappointed in my mother for abandoning me over the holidays to go on a trip, but I haven’t really even thought about that. I absolutely miss my dad, but we were never too big on Thanksgiving. And my mother… I’ve kind of given up on my mother being a mother to me, if you know what I mean. What she did for me with Liza’s necklace was an amazing favor, but it was probably done mostly out of guilt. Do I wish my mother were more like Catterina? Of course. But I’ve learned to live with the fact that my father’s death and her behavior after it changed us forever. We both know what type of relationship we have now, and I’ve come to terms with it.
