Page 34 of Worse Than Murder
‘It was scary there for a while. I don’t know how those people in America cope with tornadoes,’ Sally says with a shiver.
‘Can I take the dogs into the woods?’ Carl asks. It’s obvious he wants to go and see how badly damaged the trees are. He can barely control his excitement.
‘Yes, but be careful,’ Sally says. ‘Watch your step.’
‘Excellent,’ he grins.
‘What happened to you last night?’ Sally asks me. ‘I heard the shower running when I got up to go to the toilet about four o’clock.’
‘I went for a walk.’
‘In the middle of a massive storm? You could have been killed. What kind of a person goes out for a walk in weather like that?’
‘I wanted to clear my head.’
‘It would have been less risky with a bottle of vodka. Did it work?’
‘I’m not sure.’
Philip moves away from us and tests the wooden steps to the restaurant to see if they need repairing.
Sally lowers her voice. ‘I’m worried about you.’ She rubs her hand on my arm. It’s a comforting gesture, but I don’t feel anything. ‘You don’t go out in weather like we had last night unless you’re on some kind of suicide mission. You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?’
I think of Liam Walsh, the teenager at university struggling with his mental health. He wanted to die so much but he couldn’t bring himself to take his own life on his own. He must have been going through so much anguish and hurt. I can certainly understand how he felt.
‘I’m not going to kill myself,’ I say, though even I’m not convinced by my words.
‘You’re killing yourself every time you go out running or swimming. You’re putting your body through too much.’
‘I’m screaming, Sally,’ I say, turning to her. ‘Inside, I’m screaming so loud that I can’t hear anything else, and I don’t know what to do to silence it. That’s why I went out last night. I need to unleash all this pain.’
‘What did you do last night?’
‘I went down by the lake. I stood on the edge, and I cried. I shouted and screamed and cried until I was hoarse. Any other night, I’d have woken the whole village. The storm drowned out all the noise.’
‘Do you feel better for it?’
I think for a moment. I look at her. I can’t lie to Sally. ‘No. Not at all.’
* * *
Carl heads off into the woods with both dogs, Philip and Sally continue to survey their restaurant, and I change into my wetsuit. The lake has been calm in the month I’ve been here. The wild winds of last night have died down but there’s still a stiff breeze blowing. It’ll be a change to push against the tide.
The water feels much colder, and I gasp as I submerge myself. I swim out a few meters doing a gentle breaststroke before turning over onto my back and looking up at the sky. Last night, it had been black and violent. This morning, it’s blue and calm. In the woods, I can hear the echoing sound of dogs barking. The two Woodys are enjoying their adventure, jumping over felled trees, and picking up new sticks for Carl to throw. I smile to myself. I’m enjoying being here. I don’t want my time here to end.
I roll back onto my front and swim further out. I love swimming in the lake. The water is so clear. Occasionally, when there’s nobody else around, I feel like I’m in my own private oasis, my surroundings untouched by the negativities of the twenty-first century. Everything seems unspoiled and clean.
‘Matilda!’
I hear my name being called. I turn and see Carl at the entrance to the woods, standing by a couple of felled trees. He waves and I wave back.
‘I’ve found something.’
‘What?’ I call back, not hearing what he’s saying.
‘I said, I’ve found something,’ he shouts louder.
I still can’t hear him so swim quickly towards him.
