Page 39 of The German's Guilty Pleasure
I sensed she needed to let it out in a safe environment. She shared her years of heartache over the woman she loved and her shame at having to hide it from her son. I ached for her in places I didn’t know I could ache. I let her cry in my arms, something I suspected she would deny if it ever came up. She was the epitome of a lady in this industry owned by men, but secretly, she was just a lonely woman who had come to realize she threw away the best part of her life due to fear and circumstance.
I swiped at my face again and lowered my feet to the floor. I was anxious from the medication they gave me, and I couldn’t settle down. It didn’t help that I was angry with Lars’ lack of concern. I paced into the kitchen to get a drink when there was a knock on the door. It was probably Gretchen checking on me one last time, so I opened the door with a sigh. “I’m okay, Gret—”
The man at the door was definitely not Gretchen. “Hi,” he whispered, taking my elbow before I could close the door on him. “Can we talk?”
He moved me into the apartment quickly and closed the door behind him. “Not much to say,” I said, hugging myself and walking further into the room. “I was going to bed.”
“Muttertold me you were okay. I wanted to see for myself.”
I shrugged and turned my back, walking to my bedroom. “Your concern overwhelms me.”
Before I could lower myself to the bed, he grabbed me around the waist and held me to him, his nostrils flaring as he inhaled the scent of me. “Are you okay?”
I nodded once. “The doctor said it was smart that you got help as fast as you did. It prevented another intubation. I have to carry epinephrine now, which is a small price to pay. I’ll be okay.”
He lowered me to the bed and knelt, his gaze intense as he stared at me, holding my chin in reverence. “I have been paralyzed with fear for the last eight hours, Serenity. I did not know what to do, and thenMuttershowed up and chewed me out.”
I shook my head sadly. “I didn’t tell her to.” I scooted back on the bed and lay down on my side, the pillows already elevated the way the doctor suggested.
He stroked my cheek and nodded, the blue in his eyes flat and dull. “Believe me, I know. She was giving me the same lecture she has given me for fifteen years about letting go and moving on.”
“Letting go of what, Lars? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He sat on the bed next to me and rested his hand on my hip. “Letting go of my brother. My twin brother.”
I sat up immediately. “You have a twin brother? Does he live in Germany? Why didn’t Gretchen mention him? Where does he work in the company?”
He laid a finger on my lips. “I had a twin brother. His name was Lambrecht. He was my older brother by ten minutes.”
I rested my hand on his chest over his heart. “He didn’t survive birth?”
He grasped my hand and held it there, his eyes going closed. “He did, and we grew up the way identical twins do. We were always together. When we were fifteen, we were a handful andMuttertraveled a lot. My grandfather thought it would be a good idea for us to be in a more disciplined environment.” He motioned his hand around. “You call them a school for boys?” I nodded and he continued his story. “We had only been there a few months when one morning, I noticed Lam had not attended breakfast. I went to check on him and he was sick. Sick like I had never seen him, Serenity. I could not save him.”
I cupped his cheek and wiped a tear that ran down his cheek. “What was wrong with him?”
He sucked up air and struggled with the next word. It was like saying it aloud made it real, even after all of these years. “Meningitis. Vaccines were not given regularly back then to kids living in dormitories.” He paused and took a deep breath. “No one would listen to me and get him help. They said he just had a cold. It was not a cold, and I knew it. I was able to convince them when he spiked a fever, but by then, it was too late. He was gone by the next morning. I was holding his hand when he took his last labored breath.”
I wrapped my arms around him, his coming up to hold me desperately. “I’m so sorry, Lars. You did the best you could for him.”
He nodded and kissed my neck, leaving his lips there to linger. My anger with him fell away, and I wanted to offer him whatever comfort I could from such a horrible loss. “Tomorrow is the fifteenth anniversary of his death. It is whyMutteris here from Germany. She knows she cannot leave me alone this time of year. This year, she has figured out that I am not alone. I have you.”
I leaned back and held his gaze. “I never told her anything.”
“I know,” he whispered, laying his lips on my forehead. “She said she only had to look once to see how much you mean to me. She told me I had to stop being afraid before I was sixty and alone, like her.”
I rested my forehead on his. “Gretchen is at a turning point. We talked about it. I can see she’s crumbling.”
He nodded with his gaze focused on the wall behind me. “I know. I saw it today in my office.Mutternever would have done that in the past. It is like she is broken. She is always here for me, but this is one year I am glad I can support her, too.”
I brushed the hair off his forehead tenderly. “I’ll be here for both of you. I can understand losing someone you love. I lost three before I was sixteen. It's brutal, breath-stealing, and life-defining.”
“You did not let it define your life, though.”
“I did, just in a different way. I promised myself I would live for them the way they would want me to.”
He lowered his forehead to my shoulder and took a shuddering breath. His exhale was heavy on my arm, and his tears wet on my skin. “How come I did not think of that? All of these years, I stopped living because he did. I should have kept living for him.”
“Hey,” I whispered, lifting his chin to hold his gaze. “It’s never too late to start, Lars. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. I can’t pretend to know how it feels to live without your other half, someone you are that connected to. You get to grieve any way you want to. No judgments from me.”
