Page 76 of Tart
“Bishop?” Amber calledfrom the top of the hill, her voice questioning as she moved toward me. “Are you down here.”
She knew I was down here. She watched me walk down here an hour ago. I sat down here until I noticed the fire die out and hoped they’d gone to bed. I planned to sleep in the basement tonight, so I had a little time to myself.
I heard her on the dock, her crutches thumping on the wood as she made her way toward me. “Athena went to bed.”
“Good enough. I’m glad you hit it off with my daughter so well,” I said, my surly mood making my words sarcastic and tight.
“Well, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to hate the sweet girl you raised,” she said, her words as sarcastic as mine. “She was only trying to help.” This time her words were soft, but they were like bullets to my back.
“By being disrespectful of everything I gave up to make sure she had a future.”
“Is that what you got out of that?” she asked, her words shocked and surprised. “Or is that what you wanted to hear?”
I turned and stared her down, my eyes filled with an emotion I wanted to pretend was anger but was probably closer to grief. “I heard what I heard. She’s eighteen and thinks she knows everything now. She doesn’t.”
“No, she doesn’t, and she admitted that in her advice to you. She does know you, though. She grew up seeing the things you did, both healthy and unhealthy, and she recognizes them now as an adult. Even if she’s only eighteen, all she wants is for you to stop feeling guilty because it hurts her, too. Have you ever thought of that?”
“What the hell are you talking about, Amber? That girl has had nothing but a good upbringing with parents who loved her and did everything in her best interest!”
“Agreed, but that doesn’t mean you dying on the sword all these years to do it didn’t hurt her. She understood more than you gave her credit for over the years. And before you say she heard that stuff from her mother, let me stop you because I will kick your ass with this crutch.”
I sighed and shook my head. “I didn’t die on any damn sword, Amber. I made choices that I thought were best at the time. I was seventeen-fucking-years-old. What was I supposed to do?”
“Maybe you were then, but you aren’t seventeen anymore. You’re thirty-four, and you raised that beautiful, smart, sweet girl to be a contributing member of society. What the fuck do you think you have to feel guilty about, Bishop? The fact that your condom broke? Do you think that makes you special? Condoms break all the time. Unplanned pregnancies happen all the time. Did it suck? Yeah, I’m sure it did. You were forced to be an adult in the blink of an eye, but then again, you were doing adult things, so you accepted that responsibility the moment you rolled on that condom. Holding onto your guilt now is pathetic. It’s a pointless emotion. Your condom broke, and you had a kid. Oh, the horrors,” she said, her hands to her face like a shock. “My parents watched their broken child be patched back together with no promise that she would even live because of a decision they made. That’s guilt, Bishop. I understand their guilt, even if I wish they’d let it go. I don’t want them, or you, to carry around this misguided emotion like it’s somehow going to change things. It’s not fucking going to change anything! Can’t you see that?” She held up her hand. “I’m wrong. Guilt will change things. It won’t change the situation that happened, but it sure as hell will change the rest of your fucking life if you don’t forgive yourself for it. You’ll lose your daughter. My parents have slowly lost me over the years because of their guilt. You worked this hard to show Athena how much you love her and want her in your life. Why are you going to fuck it up now? She’s given you absolution in hopes you’ll give it to her in return. She didn’t ask to be created, but she was, and she’s tired of living with the constant message that she’s your punishment.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I asked, anger making me turn and clench my fists at my side. “Constant message that she’s a punishment? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard today, and I heard a lot of ridiculousness up there!”
Her head shook, and she braced her crutches on the dock. “No, what you didn’t hear up there were the words of your child who wants to move on from the toxic way you treat yourself. You didn’t hear that she wants to live here, with you, and be part of your life instead of living across the fucking country. What you didn’t hear was that she loves you so much that she came to you first for reassurance because she trusts you above even her mother.” She waved her hand on a sigh. “I’m going to sleep at my apartment tonight. You can have your space to decide if you want to continue to be the Bishop who can’t see that the job he’s done as a father more than negates how he became one, or if you want to continue to act like a martyr and send the message to his daughter that her hurt isn’t as important as his guilt. Once you’ve decided that, you can decide if you want to continue this marriage or if you want out. All I want is good things for you, Bishop. If that means you’d rather be alone, I’ll honor your wishes, even if it breaks my heart for the rest of my life. I love you.”
She turned and crutched back down the dock, her form nothing but a shadow in the darkness of the night. I wanted to call out to her, but my pride wouldn’t let me. Maybe she was a little bit too on the nose about a few things. If I admitted it, then I had to accept it. If I accepted it, then I had to change it. If I changed it, then I had to find a new purpose in my life.
She is that new purpose, you asshole, my inner voice said.
I watched her until she made it to the top of the hill, knowing I should have helped her, but also knowing she wouldn’t have let me. I turned back to the lake and sighed. I had two choices. I could go to bed and sleep on it or go to a bar and drink the thoughts out of my mind.
I turned away from the water, ready to go back to the house when there was a scream. I watched as my wife tumbled down the hill, her cries of terror and pain tearing my guts out as I ran.
“Amber!” I screamed, my feet thudding on the wooden planks in desperation, but it was too late. She landed on the edge of the dock with a sickening thud before she sank below the dark water.
“Amber!” I screamed again, splashing into the water and searching for her below the surface.
My hand brushed against her braid, and I found her armpits, carefully dragging her back onto the beach and lying her flat on the sand. “Amber, talk to me,” I said, slapping her face while I checked for a pulse. It was weak, but when I leaned down by her face, she wasn’t breathing.
“Daddy?” Athena asked as she ran down the hill. “What happened?”
“Call an ambulance!” I screamed. “Oh my God, call an ambulance!”
Athena was already on the phone as I opened my wife’s mouth, water pouring from it as I tried to press my lips to hers to offer her the only thing I could at that moment. Lifesaving air.
“Come on, my little tart,” I begged, my lips back on hers to force air into her lungs. “You can’t leave me now. Fight, Amber!”
She sputtered, water spurting from her lips like a fountain while she coughed and tried to catch her breath. I held her neck still, talking to her while I listened to the sirens draw closer. “I love you,” I whispered. “God, never forget how much I love you.”
THE HOUSE WAS QUIETwhen Bishop carried me in and lowered me to the couch. “Wow,” I sighed, leaning back and taking in the room. “Did the flower shop explode in here?”
He turned me on the couch and propped my bad leg up on a pillow, the lower half of it now in a walking boot since I managed to break the one part of the leg that didn’t have a rod in it. The doctor’s said it would heal in about six weeks, and once the walking boot was off, they’d be able to fit me for the new brace. I was already marking off the days on the calendar.
Bishop chuckled when he sat on the coffee table by the couch. “There are a lot of people who love you in this town, but no one as much as me. Athena said I went overboard on the flowers.”
