Page 18 of Due North
I lifted myself to sit next to him on the couch. “You didn’t hear the gun?”
He shook his head and let out a heavy sigh. “No, but there was so much noise in that barn, Cece. The snapping of beams, the crackle of the wood, and the whooshing as the hay went up in flames would have drowned out any other sounds from outside.”
“I guess that’s true. It was terrible what she did, Caleb, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“For a long time, I wished I’d died with them. The pain of the scars was nothing knowing the pain my brothers and sisters must have endured. The doctors said they died of smoke inhalation long before the fire got to them. I don’t know if that’s true or if they just wanted to make me feel better about my failure to save them.”
“Caleb, no,” I whispered, shaking my head. “What happened was beyond the control of a sixteen-year-old boy.”
His head nodded, but his eyes told me he didn’t believe me. “The logical side of me knows that’s true, but the emotions of that sixteen-year-old boy are still grappling with it even ten years later.”
I took his hand in mine and held it, warming his cold skin the best I could. “Fair to say that maybe those emotions will still be there in fifty years, Caleb. You can never completely get over a loss like that.”
His head cocked, and he snickered. “Gee, thanks. I’m so glad you’re here to comfort me, Cece.” He added a wink at the end that left me wishing the topic of conversation was lighter so I could be more playful. If it were, I’d grab him and pull his lips to mine right that instant.
“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” I said in defense. “I just meant that you couldn’t put a timeline on grief.”
“Because grief will hit you at the best of times and the worst. It will crop up when you least expect it and not raise its head at other times when you would expect it. You can go days without thinking about them and then spend days doing nothing but thinking about them.” He shook his head in exasperation. “Trust me. I’ve heard all of this. Can we move on?”
“Can you tell me how to do that?”
He leaned forward and fisted my shirt gently in his fingers, holding me to his forehead. “All I can whisper is to hold onto that little girl when you need a reminder of the people you’ve lost. They’re all bottled up inside her, just waiting to comfort you when you need it. She is the very best of all of them, and she loves you so much,” he whispered in a voice that told me he felt it to his soul. “I know she can’t say it, but, Cece, she shows it like a painting of light and color done in broad strokes of a brush by an artist of greater purpose. Her face, when you walk in the room, is pure joy blasted across that canvas in bright yellow. When her body is heavy with sleep as you rock her, singing even though she can’t hear you, her trust fills in the corners of the canvas with blues and greens of the sky and the grass. When her little temper comes out, and she’s throwing Cheerios across the room, the moment you laugh and throw one back, she knows you accept her feelings, and strokes of red fill in the blank spots on that canvas. From those greens, blues, and reds, poppies and roses will grow from the earth to sway in the breeze and make everyone happy to witness the joy she brings the world. That is how you move on, sweetheart.” He brushed away a tear from my cheek with his roughened thumb. “It’s okay to cry, but you also have to hold onto every little bit of joy, smiles, and happiness you have, and you have an abundance in that little girl.”
“Wow,” I said, swallowing down the lump in my throat. “I’m supposed to be comforting you, but here you are making me feel better.”
“Well, I made you cry, so I don’t know how much better I made you feel.”
I gazed into his melted chocolate eyes and couldn’t break the spell they held over me. I wanted to stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. I wanted those eyes to be the ones that comforted me when I got upset. I wanted those eyes to melt into a river of Nutella right before he lowered his lips to mine and drank from my well of nectar. I wanted those eyes to light up with joy when he tickled Poppy, and her squeal of laughter brought a smile to his lips. More than anything, I wanted those eyes to fill with emotion every time I walked into a room and took his hand.
I rested my hand on his chest. “I think you know in here how much better you made me feel,” I said, my brow raised as I gazed at him.
His head cocked while he sighed. “I don’t know what you mean, Cece.”
“Yeah,” I said on an exhale of breath. “I think you do, Caleb. You know what I mean because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have just described the very image I see when I think about Poppy Rose. Every time she crosses my mind, I see a field of poppies waving in the sunshine, sprouting from the green grass because of the yellow sun and blue sky. You,” I said, thrusting my finger into his chest, “took that into yourself and gave it back to me in a way that said you care about how I feel more than your own pain. So yeah, you know what I mean.” My palm fell flat against his chest again, and his heart beat heavy underneath it.
“Maybe I do,” he finally agreed after gazing deeply into my eyes for a breath. “But I just want the best for you and Poppy Rose, Cece. Sometimes, when you’re faced with someone else’s pain, that makes it easier to put your own aside.”
My finger stroked his eyelid that was still drooping over his eye. “As long as you don’t forget that your pain is equally as valid, Caleb. Sometimes, I think you forget that you’re allowed to have a feeling other than empathy. You are, okay? And we are all here when you need to lean on someone.”
His thumb stroked my jawline lazily while he gazed into my eyes. “You’re the only person I want to lean on right now, but you can’t hold Poppy Rose and me up at the same time. You’re not strong enough for that.”
I shoved him away from me and stood hotly. “Then you don’t know me very well, Tex,” I said sarcastically and with purpose. “If you did, you’d know I’m stronger than the wind blowing through this damn ridge every single day!”
He stood slowly, reaching for me, but I batted him away. “I’m sorry. I said that wrong. I meant that you should be focusing on Poppy Rose right now. I’ve lived this way for ten years and managed to prevent poisoning anyone else by not leaning on other people. Breaking that habit, taking that hug, agreeing to any random or small act of kindness might break open a floodgate that would drown even the strongest woman on this ranch. You need to give yourself one hundred percent to Poppy. She gives so much to this world in her joy and wonderment. All I have left for this world is pain and negativity.”
My shoulders deflated, and the anger at the man in front of me drained away. I shook my head, taking a step closer and wrapping my arms around him, holding him to me. I wanted him to feel my warmth while I whispered the truth into his ear. “Caleb, you are the opposite of negativity. Your constant loving encouragement is what kept this ranch alive and transformed it into what it is today. The happiness in your eyes when Poppy takes your hand and climbs onto your lap makes my heart swell,” I whispered, noticing the goosebumps that covered his skin as his arms came up to hold me as tightly as I held him. “If the floodgate has to open to let some of that water out, I’ll be here with a raft to keep you afloat until it closes again,” I promised, rubbing his back as I held him. “The only way I get up every morning and face the day right now is not to remember the end, but to remember the middle.”
A shiver went through him, and he gripped me tighter. “What do you mean, Cece?” he asked, his warm breath blowing on my neck and running a shiver up my spine.
“Don’t focus on how it all ended, Caleb. Focus on the middle parts where you laughed, sang, danced, teased, and found joy in being their big brother. Say their names. Remember their smiles. Give them each a day where all you think about is the middle. None of us get a happy ending, Caleb. We get a beginning, a middle, and a time where we have to say goodbye, one way or the other. Don’t focus on the goodbye, or you’ll miss your chance to revel in the hello.”
His arms tightened around me, his chin over my shoulder. “I went to therapy for two years before I finally gave up on it, did you know that?” he asked, and I shook my head as he held me out by my shoulders. “If only one of them had said that to me ten years ago, Cece. Don’t focus on the goodbye, for you’ll miss your chance to revel in the hello. God, I needed to hear that. Thank you,” he whispered before he crushed me to him again and hung onto me like I was that raft he’d been looking for since he was sixteen.
Seven
The silence of the ranch was never louder as I walked to the riding ring. The sun was barely up, but I was going to meet Tobi this morning. After this, I had to work on the barn stalls before I helped Beau and Blaze with some fence work at Bison Ridge. Cece and Amity were cooking a big dinner tonight to share when the work was done. We’d sit by the campfire, everyone bundled up in warm blankets, and enjoy a chilly October night.
Cece.
