Page 24 of Due North
I fixed Poppy’s hat rather than make eye contact with any of them around the fire. At least the darkness made that easier. “When my little sisters were her age, I started teaching them to count to ten with the crackers. We never got past ten.” I cleared my throat before I could go on. “But they always made me laugh because if there were more than ten, they’d say, ‘ten one, ten two,’” I chuckled and shook my head.
“Were they twins?” Amity asked hesitantly.
“Identical,” I answered, handing another cracker to the impatient three-year-old on my lap. “For the first year, I had to keep the girls in color-coded clothes because I couldn’t tell them apart. Eventually, their personalities blossomed, and then I had no trouble telling them apart.”
Cece reached her hand out and rested it on my arm. “Thanks for sharing that with us, Caleb. I didn’t know they were identical.”
“Just a minute apart in age but years apart in personality, that was for sure,” I said, shaking my head with laughter. “Miriam was the outgoing one, always wanting to be seen and heard first. Naomi was much quieter. She liked to study people and figure out what their agenda was. She could be quiet for days. Miriam couldn’t be quiet for a minute.”
“Miriam and Naomi,” Heaven said. “Those are biblical names. So is Caleb. Was that a theme?”
My eyes rolled against my will, and I huffed. “Yes, and to this day, I don’t know why. My brothers were Malachi, Adam, and Isaiah.”
“The Bible has some good, strong names, son,” Ash said, leaning forward to poke at a log that was trying to escape the ring as it burned. “Nothing wrong with that.”
“No, sir,” I agreed, “but if you knew my mother, you’d understand my confusion. Anyway, I just thought maybe I could help Poppy Rose learn to count the same way.”
Cece squeezed my arm, but it was Blaze who spoke. “The name Caleb is an interesting choice for you,” he said, patting Eden’s back as she slept on his shoulder. It was still strange to see this strong, tough Texan as a daddy. It was wonderful but strange. “The name means brave. I think your momma was spot on, Tex.”
“I agree,” Amity said as Poppy snuggled into my chest and yawned, fussing her nose around on my jacket.
I rubbed her back to soothe her while I stared into the fire. “I’m not brave. I’m so far from that. Anyway, I have to go.” I stood and handed Poppy off to Cece. “I have to go.”
I didn’t look back when I walked away. I couldn’t. The people around the fire were my family now, but I couldn’t let them down the way I let my siblings down. I’m not brave. I’m a coward. I hide so many things from them to protect myself. Sure, I tell myself it’s to protect them, but I know it’s not. It’s to protect me. My heart. My soul. I could feel everyone’s emotions, and it was overwhelming some days. I used to block that part of me, or, at the very least, not let it control me. I could let the emotions of others bounce off me until I was alone, but I couldn’t do that anymore. For reasons beyond my understanding, everyone’s feelings hit me like a ton of bricks all day long. The only time I felt like I had any control over my own emotions was when I was with Poppy. How pathetic to think a three-year-old was my salvation from the madness. Her little face filled my mind, and I shook my head. Then again, pathetic wasn’t the right word. I think the word I was looking for was unexplainable.
I couldn’t explain it, but the atmosphere changed when Poppy stepped foot on this land. That told me one thing; she was just like me.
Blaze rubbed his forehead and sighed. “I thought we were making progress there for a second. Guess I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s not your fault,” Heaven promised, leaning her head on his shoulder. “He’s facing something now that he’s ignored for too long. It’s going to be painful no matter what, where, or when. He’s burying it in alcohol and bad behavior. That can’t continue.”
“What?” I asked, rocking Poppy, who was fussing now that her best friend was gone. “Caleb doesn’t drink anything other than root beer.”
Heaven motioned at Beau and Ash, who both sighed. Ash was the one who spoke. “Quite often, when we’re working together, it’s obvious that he’s either drunk or hungover.”
I shook my head and watched the group around me. “I don’t think so. I’m not saying that you aren’t seeing what you’re seeing, but I don’t think so. Something is going on with him, though. He’s struggling with the past, and it’s messing with his head something fierce. Not that I can blame him. I thought he hurt himself because sometimes his left leg doesn’t act the same as his right. Then I found out that both of his legs were scarred from burns. Did you know his legs got burned to midcalf from the fire?”
All three women sat forward and gasped, Amity taking Heaven’s hand while they all shook their heads.
“He tried to save the kids in the barn that morning, and his rubber barn boots melted to his legs from the flames. Horrifying,” I whispered on a shiver.
“No wonder he won’t wear the rubber boots when we’re mucking out the barn and pasture,” Beau said with surprise. “Dammit, I’ve been giving him a hard time about it too. Jokingly, of course, but dammit!”
Dawn grabbed his hand and held it. “You had no way of knowing, Beau. He’s worked here for years, and that’s the first time he’s ever mentioned his past. There’s no way to avoid a landmine when you don’t know it’s there.”
I pointed at Dawn while snugging Poppy in closer to me. Now that Caleb was gone, she was whiny and cranky. “Ba!” she cried, flopping herself around to get down. “Ba!” She was going to hurt herself with all her flopping. “She’s right, and that’s not on you, Beau. You’ve been a good friend to him, and he needs that. He could have opened his mouth at any time and told you why he didn’t wear them, but he didn’t.”
“Maybe that explains why he’s often unbalanced,” Amity said to Ash. “Maybe his legs bother him sometimes. Scar tissue can be painful when you do the kind of work he does.”
“Could be,” Ash said with a frown. “I better go talk to him.”
Poppy Rose chose that moment to scream and throw herself to the side, almost falling from my arms. “Ba!” I pulled her upright and stood. “I’ll go,” I said over her crying. “She won’t be happy until she sees him again. I’ll make sure he’s okay and text you if I need reinforcements, okay?”
“Be careful and call if you need us,” Ash agreed.
I nodded and headed for the back of the house where Caleb had disappeared. I suspected I knew where he was going, and there would be no getting up there with Poppy throwing a fit. I had to catch him before he got too far up the ridge.
Nine
