Page 35 of Due North
“Micah. Isaiah. Naomi—”
“No,” she said, grabbing my arm desperately. “No. Their deaths were not your fault.”
“Yeah, they were,” I said, tears threatening to fall at the thought. “It was ten years ago tonight that I was in the hospital and learned that I had the same disease as my mother. Every time my leg gave out wasn’t because of a pinched nerve in my back or an injury to my hamstring. I couldn’t save them because of the same disease that killed them!” The tears leaked from my eyes in unstoppable torrents of pain and agony.
Cece lowered the bedrail and sat next to me, snugging herself the entire length of me on the other side to hold me. She let me cry for the lives I’d lost while holding the two who could have been my future. These two beautiful redheads could have been everything I needed in this world if this horrible twist of fate hadn’t happened again. It was like the universe enjoyed screwing me over repeatedly for the fun of it.
Oh, it’s been ten years! Let’s screw Caleb North again! That’ll be fun!
My chest hurt, and my eyes burned, but she stroked my cheek, wiping away my tears as fast as they fell while surrounding me with her pink light of universal love and harmony. She and Poppy were such pure white lights that my blueness would sully them into an indistinguishable grey if they stayed with me. I couldn’t allow that to happen. Tonight, I’d accept her company as a captive audience, but once I was out of this place, I would have to end it for good before we all ended up with a broken heart.
Who was I kidding? Mine was already shattered, and the thought of letting these two beauties go was going to pulverize it.
She stroked my cheek and wiped my tears, but it wasn’t until Poppy’s tiny hand started patting my chest that I could take a breath again. That I could open my eyes and see the ceiling and not every sweet memory I had of my babies during their too-short lives.
“The girls were her age when they died, Cece. Just think about that,” I said, staring at Poppy, her eyes open again and focused on me. “Just imagine not having her.”
“Times two,” she whispered, wiping a tear off her face. “I can’t imagine, Caleb, and that’s why I know how much you must be hurting tonight. We talked to Nash. We know the truth. We know that you couldn’t have saved those babies, even if you hadn’t been sick. Do you understand that, Caleb?”
“I don’t want to talk now, Cece. I can’t. I’m tired.”
“I know, baby,” she whispered, brushing some wayward hair off my sweaty forehead. “Relax and sleep. I’ll make sure Poppy is safe.”
I tightened my arm around her. “Don’t take her, please.”
“Shh,” she whispered, stroking my forehead. “I’m not going to take her. I’ll just make sure she doesn’t fall. Relax and sleep now. You’ve earned it.”
My eyes closed, and I sighed when she kissed my chest, her arm coming up to protect Poppy right under mine. She wasn’t leaving, which made it easier to relax back into the bed. I didn’t think rest would come quickly, though. There was too much to think about, too much to figure out, and too many questions without enough answers.
Tap, tap, tap.
I focused on that sensation until it hit me what it was. I opened my eyes and glanced down to see Poppy’s two fingers tapping my chest to the rhythm of her thumb sucking. She wasn’t sleeping, though. Her eyes were wide open and focused on me in the dark room. She smiled around her thumb but never stopped her tapping. It was only then that I closed my eyes and slept.
Twelve
The silence in the Jeep as we drove home from Duluth was pervasive and uncomfortable. It had been three days since they’d rushed me to the hospital barely breathing, and today they released me with the caveat that I had to go to the Wellspring Clinic twice a week for infusions of immunoglobin. Fine, whatever. I didn’t have a choice, but I didn’t have to like it. This morning, Cece had left Poppy with Amity and arrived bright and early to pick me up. I kind of wished she’d brought the baby. At least her smiling face would have distracted me for a few minutes. Instead, I was stuck in this car with a beautiful woman, and I had barely said a word. In fairness to Cece, it had nothing to do with her. What was going on inside my head and my heart kept me quiet.
“I was thinking that Dolly is about the perfect size for Poppy to start learning to ride,” she said to break the silence. “What do you think?”
What? Was she kidding me? Poppy on a horse? No.
“Poppy? No, she’s too little to ride alone.”
“Not alone, obviously,” she said, nodding along as we turned onto the road toward the ranches.
Soon we’d cross the old wooden bridge over the creek, and then the beauty of Bison Ridge would be before us. My heart always held its beat, waiting for that moment the ridges spread out before me and took my breath away. When it happened the first time I arrived here, that’s how I knew I was home. It had happened every time since, but part of me hoped today it wouldn’t. That would make it easier to walk away from the land and the people who lived on it.
“Beau said he could make a special extension to the saddle so she can ride with you. The physical therapist said it would be good for her core strength.”
“No. She’s not riding Dolly. I’m not riding Dolly. No one is riding her.”
Cece lifted a brow as if to say,so that’s how it’s going to be, huh?
“What about the pony then? Maybe we could start her on the pony and work her up to Dolly.”
“Ha!” I exclaimed loudly and with great sarcasm. “It takes years to teach a pony how to be ridden. Do you think Beaker will let anyone ride around on his back? That pony is ridiculous.”
“Maybe not right now, but you could train him,” Cece said on a shrug. “You’re great at getting the horses to bow to your every whim.”
