Page 40 of Due North
“It won’t,” Blaze promised. “Take it from someone who’s been where you are, Caleb. It won’t make anything easier. It will only make it worse. If you don’t face it now, get rid of the blue, and find more yellow and red in your life, then you’re never going to find happiness.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy. Don’t you understand that?” I asked on a moan, my cheek dropping to the top of Poppy’s head.
“Why not, Caleb?” Amity asked with confusion in her voice.
“Because I should have seen what was going on with my mother!” I exclaimed. “I should have seen her getting deeper and deeper into the depression that led to her killing the only people I ever loved!”
My chest heaved, and I glanced down at Poppy, her head safe under my hand. Her yellow soaked into me as she gazed up at me with tired blue eyes. She never took her thumb from her mouth or made a sound. She just laid on my chest, offering comfort like she knew that was what I needed more than anything.
“Son, you were sixteen, running a ranch, going to school, and being a father. What on earth makes you think that, first of all, that was normal, and second of all, you had time to figure out what an irresponsible parent was doing when she wasn’t home? Did you know that social services had been alerted to the situation by the school?” Ash asked.
I glanced between them all, shifting Poppy on my lap so she could wrap her legs around my waist. “What? No. Who told you that?”
“Nash,” Blaze said. “The report stated that the school had reported your obvious physical decline as possible neglect, and one of your younger brothers told the counselor he was worried about you. He said you were the only one taking care of them at the ranch, plus you were doing all the work. They planned to do a home visit the first week of November.”
I dropped my head back to the chair in shock. “I didn’t know that. I was barely going to school because I had so much to do. Do you even know how much laundry there is with six kids?”
Heaven chuckled and shook her head. “I can’t imagine because I only have one, and my laundry chores have doubled.”
“I didn’t know,” I said, my chin dropping to my chest so I could kiss Poppy’s sweet pea head. “I wasn’t doing well. The fatigue was overwhelming. I didn’t know why until they diagnosed me.”
“You were only sixteen,” Amity said, “you seem to forget that all the time. I know you’re independent and always have been, but you didn’t have any experience with life at that age. If your mother weren’t around to get you help, you wouldn’t have known you needed it.”
“Probably,” I agreed, so we could end this. “Listen, I should go.”
“About that,” Heaven said. “You’re not selling your shares to the ranch. Heavenly Lane is your home. It’s where you belong.”
“But—”
“There will be no buts!” she exclaimed, dropping her fist to the table so hard the dishes rattled. Blaze took her hand in his to calm her down. She cleared her throat and started again. “You are the lifeblood behind Heavenly Lane Dude Ranch, Caleb North, and you would do well to remember that. We wouldn’t be ready to start our third successful year here if it weren't for your leadership and guidance. You might not be able to do all the physical work right now, or maybe ever again, but your mind still works. Your mouth still moves. You can still lead this ranch in your duties as a foreman, and that is what will continue to happen. I already hired hands on for extra hours.”
“But—”
Ash slashed his hand through the air. “Stop interrupting, boy.”
Duly chastised, I sat back in the chair and shifted Poppy to a more comfortable position. Cece handed her a cup of milk to keep her happy, and she smiled at me around the sipper. I couldn’t help but smile back. Her joy was too much for my heart to ignore.
“Tobi will take over the roping and riding portion of the dude ranch activities. She assured me she would love to have you there leaning on the fence and yelling out suggestions if you so feel like it. We have plenty of ranch hands to do the rest of the grunt work around here while you continue to manage the paperwork and the horses.”
“The horses?” I asked, glancing up from Poppy’s sweet face. “I don’t think I can ride right now.”
Beau sat up straighter in his seat. “I will modi-modify your saddle with a cage brace. That way, if you get tired, you can still get back to the barn. If you need help dismounting, you use the walkie. We-we’re all here for yo-you,” he said on a nod of frustration.
“Beau, that’s nice of you, but I know you’re already super busy in the shop.”
“It’s already done,” Blaze said with a chuckle. “He made it the night we got back from the hospital.”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Beau said on a shrug, and Dawn’s hand came up to rub his shoulder.
Blaze stood and leaned on the table, his gaze intent on mine. “Listen to me, and listen to me good, Caleb. Are you listening?” I nodded, swallowing hard because whatever he was about to say was going to change everything. I could see that just by the rays of orange that radiated from his determination. “As of right now, Tex no longer exists.” He tapped the table with his pointer finger for a moment. “It’s your job to find what direction Caleb North is going. That is your only focus besides getting your treatments and strengthening your body again. We don’t want to see or hear about you doing anything other than directing the staff on their duties. Understood?”
“Blaze, you don’t own this place,” I said defiantly.
“You’re right. He doesn’t,” Heaven said, standing to her full height of barely a hair over five feet. Ash chuckled only because we knew she could do more with that five feet than Blaze could do with his six. “I do, and what I say goes around here. I say you’re staying. I say you’re going to hug that little girl, feed her fishy crackers, and let her pet the horses. You’re going to find your direction, Caleb North. If, in the end, that direction leads you away from us to do what is in your heart, then we’ll let you go with our blessing, but that will not be anytime soon. Understood?”
“Understood,” I whispered. “No more Tex. I’m okay with that. I didn’t like a lot of the stuff Tex carried around. I don’t know who Caleb is anymore, though. It’s going to take some time to figure that out.”
“You get all the time you need,” Heaven promised, blowing me a kiss. “That’s what this family is made of.”
