Page 39 of Due North
“Denial is a funny thing, Heaven. You can convince yourself of just about anything,” I said just as pointedly. She had done the same thing for years, and we were forced to sit back and watch it happen. “Dammit,” I whispered, shaking my head. “It just hit me that I used to yell at you about the same thing.”
The laughter around the table was a sweet release from the heaviness that had permeated the room. I just wanted these people to be happy. If that meant I had to leave this place, then that’s what I would do.
“Exactly what I was thinking,” Dawn said with a chuckle.
“Do you know what you have to do to get the disease back in remission?” Ash asked, his fatherly love coming through loud and clear. We were cowboys, and we did what needed to be done, even if we didn’t always like it.
“It will never be in remission again,” I explained around a lump of acceptance in my chest. It was hard to say those words when I had barely processed them. “Usually, the disease doesn’t come back once you go into remission. If it does, it will stay the course, and you’ll always have to treat it.”
“Is this,” Beau paused and looked at me, “what did you call it?”
“Myasthenia gravis,” I said. “It’s not an easy name to remember. You can call it MG.”
“Ya-ya-you’re not-not kidding,” Beau said, his stutter evident. He’d had it since he was a child, and for the most part, you never heard him stumble unless he was emotional or upset. “Is it, hmm,” he hummed, knowing the word but for whatever reason was struggling.
“Terminal?” I asked, and he nodded. “No, most people live a relatively normal life with it as long as they’re being treated,” I explained. “They call it a crisis if you get to the point that you can no longer breathe, like what happened in the barn, but that’s rare if you’re on the right medications to control the disease. I just wasn’t and let it go too long, thinking I could keep pretending it wasn’t happening.”
“Is it hereditary?” Dawn asked. “You said your mother had it, too.”
“It’s a weird one because they say that it’s not directly inherited, but it often runs in families. I could have ten kids, and none of them could have it, or I could have ten kids, and half of them could have it. There’s no way to know.”
“But as long as it’s treated,” Cece piped up, “he can live a normal life. It’s just going to take a little bit of time for him to get back to his normal activities.”
“What she said,” I said with a chuckle. “And that’s a problem when it comes to the ranch,” I finished in a whisper.
“Why?” Ash asked. “Because you can’t work?”
“Well, duh,” I said sarcastically. “My job here is to lead, not wimp out by sitting in my cabin all day.”
Heaven held up a finger in confusion. “That statement was a total contradiction. You’re the foreman. Your job is to lead and direct the ranch, not break your back doing all the work.”
“He thinks it is,” Cece said next to me. I glared at her. My lips said no, but she ignored me completely. “He thinks doing all the arduous labor will somehow atone for him not being able to save his siblings that morning.”
Ash sliced his hand through the air to hush everyone. “You punished yourself to near death for something that was beyond your control? Boy, if brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.”
Amity held her husband’s arm gently to quiet him. “We all deal with grief differently. We shouldn’t judge Caleb for how he dealt with what must have been a crushing amount of it.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” I whispered, my eyes on the table again rather than make eye contact with any of them.
“You were young when it happened,” Ash said with a softer edge to his voice. “It was understandable that faced with the same disease as your mother, and knowing how it ended for her, that you were scared besides grieving. Fair to say?”
“Yes, sir,” I answered immediately. “I wanted to die but decided I made it out of that fire for a reason.”
“What was the reason?” Blaze asked.
I finally raised my head and made eye contact with every one of them before I answered. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
“I think it’s time you figure it out then,” Heaven said with a nod. “We all know, but there’s no use trying to convince you of something you don’t believe.”
I rubbed my temple for a moment, mostly just to make sure my eyelid was behaving. “I don’t know what the truth is anymore. I’m all torn up inside. I think I should just go on now and stop bothering everyone with my problems.” I stood, giving my legs time to find themselves under me. “Thank you for the cinnamon rolls. I’ll submit my paperwork to sell you back my shares in the morning, Heaven.”
They all stood and blocked me in a semi-circle. Heaven stepped forward and hugged me again, her breathing ragged against my chest. When she dropped her hand, Amity took her place, hugging me the way a mother would hug her son. The way she hugs Blaze and Beau. It brought tears to my eyes, and I hugged her back just as hard. Dawn was next, tears in her eyes as she hugged me so hard that I was afraid I would never get air again. Blaze and then Beau gave me a back thump, but when Ash wrapped his arms around me, I lost my composure. There was no holding back the emotion that had built up inside me at the thought of leaving them all.
“God, there’s so much blue,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. “So much blue,” I whispered around the tears that fell.
I heard Cece explain what that meant as Ash helped me into the chair just as my legs gave out. The next thing I knew, I was holding yellow and red in my arms, still asleep and sucking her thumb with pink blankie in her hand. I brought her to my chest, and she snuffled in her sleep before she settled down again. Cece wiped the tears from my face with a napkin and sat next to me.
“You’re not going anywhere, Caleb North,” she said adamantly. “None of these people are going to let you sell your shares and leave because you think that will make it easier.”
