Page 30 of Jam and Jingle Bells
“Uh, Saturday night, I think,” I added last minute to make it sound nonchalant.
“Oh, you think? Not what I heard.”
I tipped my head to the left. “What did you hear?”
“I heard from Tammy’s brother’s sister’s husband that you were sucking face with one particular yoga instructor in the gazebo on Saturday night.”
I rolled my eyes to my hairline and pursed my lips. “Nope, wasn’t me, they must have been mistaken. Lots of couples make out in the gazebo.”
She nodded pensively. “True, but not very many of them are five-foot-eight with ginger red hair and chocolate brown skin.”
I dropped my chin to my chest and shook it. “Cripes. This town.” I rolled my eyes in exasperation and she laughed.
“I’m just teasing you. I hope you know that. I love that you found someone to have fun with. Anything beyond that is none of my business.”
“At least until I’m ready to share, right?”
“Then I’m all ears.”
“Trust me, when I figure out what this is between Ellis and me, you’ll be the first to know. This so isn’t my thing.”
She lowered the toast back to her plate. “What isn’t your thing? Guys? Did that other A-hole ruin you for men everywhere?”
I shook my head at her. “No, jeez, that’s two people in two weeks to ask me if I was a lesbian.”
“Audrey?” she asked without hesitation and I rolled my eyes again as an answer. “What’s to figure out then?”
I motioned around with my hands wildly as though that would help me come up with the words. She lowered my right hand before I hit her accidentally. “If I’m ready to deal with it all again. It’s been a long time and the last one didn’t end well.”
She frowned when it dawned on her what I meant. “The last one was a real moron for letting you go and karma bit him for it. Forget about him. You’ve grieved that relationship long enough. It’s time to move on. You’re too young to let that kind of guy have that much power over you still.”
I sighed heavily. “I know you’re right. I guess my heart thinks so too or we wouldn’t be talking about me not knowing what to do about how much I like Ellis David.”
“How much do you like him,” she asked curiously.
“A whole lot.” I laughed and waved my hand. “Actually, can I ask you a question about a different topic?”
“Sure,” she said, leaning over the booth.
I fiddled with my fork even though my pie was gone, just so I didn’t have to make eye contact. “I need an opinion more than anything.” She nodded so I worked to put it into words that made sense. “Do you think it’s wrong to want to know who my father is? My mom refuses to tell me his name. She knows I’d go looking for him. Ellis says that she’s not protecting me anymore, she’s protecting herself.”
Ivy rested her chin on her hand and sighed. “I would never be one to get in the middle of family dynamics, so I’ll use my own personal experience instead. I don’t know who my father is. The truth is, my mother didn’t know who he was, either. I suppose if she had, I would feel the same way you do. There’s an empty part of me that will never be filled for the same reason as you. I will never have access to who he was or if I have other siblings out there. My mother didn’t do it to be malicious. She was a kid when she got pregnant after a one-night stand. It was just circumstance.”
“But my mom lived with the guy for eighteen months. She’s well aware of who he is.”
She nodded and tipped her head in agreement. “I would guess there are a few people left in this town who also know.”
I tapped the table with the fork as I thought about it. “Probably, but I’m not going to go behind her back. That definitely feels wrong. I really would like to know, though.”
“It’s closure,” she added and I pointed at her with my fork.
“That’s exactly the word I was looking for. I don’t think he’s going to welcome me into his family with open arms or anything. That’s not what I’m after. He knows he has a kid here and could find me at any time, but he hasn’t. I guess I just want to know his name, find out if I have any siblings, and stop this constant churning I have in my soul every time I look in the mirror.”
She patted my hand and sneakily took the fork from me. “No one can blame you for that. Not even Loretta. You’re an adult now. The two of you should have a discussion about it and decide on terms, and then she should hand you his name.”
“That’s what Ellis said, too.”
She raised her brows once. “Smart guy. I’m sure he doesn’t want you to be unhappy either.”
