Page 35 of Jam and Jingle Bells
He blew out a breath and dropped his eyes. “Full disclosure?” I nodded and he sighed. “I might as well show you. It’s not like I can hide it once I take my shirt off.”
I lifted my hands off his chest and my eyes held his until he yanked the shirt over his head. What I saw first made me smile, my breath knocked from me as I ran my hands over his muscled belly. “That’s one hell of a six-pack,” I said instantly. “Yoga has been extremely kind to you.” It was what I saw when my gaze traveled upward that had me sucking in a breath of understanding. I traced the scar that ran down his sternum and then back up it. He shivered, but he didn’t make eye contact. “What the hell, Ellis?” My eyes then searched out the spot that was hard and I noticed another scar over the bulge. My finger traced that scar too, but this time he held my hand to the spot.
“It’s an ICD.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It means implantable cardioverter-defibrillator.”
“Like a pacemaker?” I asked, wanting to understand.
He was still holding my hand to his chest like a lifeline, so I didn’t pull away, just waited for him to answer. “Yes, it’s a pacemaker, but it will also shock my heart if it starts beating wrong.”
“You have a pacemaker at twenty-five?” I asked one more time just to be sure.
“I’ve had it since I was twenty.”
My finger traced the long scar down his centerline again. “Because of this?”
“Yep,” he answered. I waited, but he didn’t appear to be forthcoming with more answers.
I gave him a solid minute to answer and when he didn’t, I pressed the palm of my hand to the scar over his heart. “You don’t have to be embarrassed about this, Ellis.”
“I’m not,” he said defensively.
He wanted to pull away, but I held him in place. “I’m looking in your eyes and they’re telling me you’re lying right now.” I paused, my gaze holding his. “Maybe it’s not embarrassment. Maybe it’s shame.”
He blinked, twice and whatever was there disappeared. “It’s neither. It just is what it is.”
“What is it then, Ellis? You still haven’t said.”
He walked to the couch and sat, leaning over onto his thighs. “I have what’s called Romano-Ward syndrome. To sum it up, I have a problem with the electrical system of my heart. My heart will beat chaotically and then needs to be paced or shocked back into rhythm.”
I sat next to him and rubbed his back, which was bare, warm, and muscled. I definitely could get used to having him wrapped around me like a blanket. “Did you have open heart surgery, too? Is that what the long scar down your chest is from.”
He gave his head a slight shake. “No, that was from when they opened my chest to do internal defibrillation.”
My hand stilled on his back. “I’m so sorry, Ellis. How terrifying.”
He shrugged. “I honestly don’t remember a thing about it.” He swallowed long and hard as though he’d just told the biggest lie he had ever told and couldn’t quite get it down. I wasn’t going to say anything. He was clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter, so better to wait on pushing him about it further until he had settled into knowing I wasn’t going to turn my back on him.
I turned him to me and ran my hand over the pacemaker again. “Does it feel weird being in there?”
“Sometimes,” he agreed, holding my hand there again. “But I don’t pay it much attention after all of these years. I’ve got five years on the battery, so it’s going to have to be replaced sometime in the next three years.”
“How do they do that? Take the whole thing out?”
“No, they disconnect the leads that go into my heart and replace just the box. It’s a simple surgery. I’m praying this one lasts the next three years because they aren’t cheap.”
I frowned and held his gaze. “I suppose not. I’m sorry, that’s a lot to have happen at twenty.” My eyes were on his chest again. “Where did this bruise come from? It looks sore,” I said, pointing just below the pacemaker bulge.
He laughed and kissed my lips as though he couldn’t wait another moment. I returned the kiss, but he ended it too soon and I whimpered at the lost connection. “I was helping a mom get her toddler’s shoes on the other day after class. He doesn’t like shoes, so he lashed out and kicked me. It wasn’t a big deal seeing as he was only two, but the toe of the shoe left a mark. It doesn’t hurt.”
“Hazards of the job I guess, eh?” I asked, rubbing the spot with my finger. I noticed goosebumps on his skin, so I grabbed his shirt, handing it to him. “Better put that on before you get cold, or I jump your extremely muscular bones, one of the two.”
He grinned and pulled the shirt on. “We don’t want either of those things. Well, at least we don’t want the first one. The latter can happen after I head to the store tomorrow. I mean that is, if …” He motioned at his chest and then let his hand drop.
“If I still want to see you even though you have a pacemaker?”
