Page 99 of Chasing Justice
He reached over and took her hand, holding it softly. “As you know, my partner and I were out on patrol one night. Got called to a domestic. Husband and wife were screaming at each other. Their ten-year-old son called it in. We went inside, broke up the fight and took the wife outside. I took their son outside too. It was winter so I didn’t think twice about him wearing a thick jacket. I left him with another cop, but never frisked him. I never asked the other cop to frisk him either. My partner came out with the father in handcuffs and the kid freaked out. Started yelling about how his daddy wasn’t going to jail. He had a gun under his jacket, pulled it out and shot my partner. I screwed up and my partner paid the price.”
“Josh, you couldn’t have known.”
“I should have frisked the kid.”
“You and I both know you better have a damn good reason to frisk a kid. It’s no different than children coming up to us in Afghanistan. They’re innocent. You think they would never do anything to you, but then you realize they’re suicide bombers. Their families sacrificed them. This kid in so many ways is no different.”
Josh shook his head. “Tell that to the guys in the department. No one wanted to even come near me after that, much less work with me. I couldn’t handle it and went down a road of drinking too much and even started using some cocaine and other drugs. I only did the coke off duty and drank when I got home, so I told myself I was in control and could still do my job.
“One night I was on a date, and we were both high and drunk, driving too fast, and I crashed. We walked away somehow with only minor injuries and it was a single-car accident, so no one else was hurt. My dad pulled some strings and made sure no charges were pressed, but of course my chief fired me.
“It was only a matter of time before I did something on duty. I knew I had to get my shit together, but the nightmares and anxiety continued. I sat in my apartment and drank and snorted lines until I ran out of money and got kicked out. I remember trying to go home, but my dad refused to have me stay there. He offered to pay for rehab, and I figured it was a place to crash for a while, so I took him up on it. The night before I went, I sat out by Lake Michigan and got as messed up as I could. One last bender, you know?”
Maya nodded. She understood although she couldn’t picture Josh so messed up.
“That night some homeless guys sat next to me, and we shared disgusting vodka and who knows what kind of drugs all night long. I got up and thought about walking into the lake. I wanted the pain to stop, so why not end it? Right then, right there. I had my clothes just about off and was heading toward the shore, but then I saw a ghost.
“My partner stood there on the shore, the moonlight illuminated him. He appeared so peaceful. I could have been hallucinating after all the shit I’d done, but either way, I stopped. He told me he forgave me and to get better, then he walked away up the shore and disappeared into the night. I’ve never seen him again...of course, maybe it’s because that was my last night of being high. I went to rehab, got sober, but knew I had to leave Chicago. So now, here I am.”
“Thanks for sharing that with me.” Maya paused for a moment, thinking about the ghost Josh saw. She had plenty of ghosts, Zinger included. They often invaded her dreams. “I’m glad your partner stopped you from walking into the lake. Before I was deployed, I would have told you that you only saw your partner because you were high, but ghosts come home with you after war or after an experience like yours. Ghosts are real. They come uninvited into our dreams and haunt us, but sometimes they change us for the better. No one understands PTSD unless they’ve dealt with it. I tried telling a friend of mine once what was happening to me and she said, ‘You look fine.’” She sighed.
“That’s the problem,” Josh said. “We do look fine, but no one can see inside us. My family, they didn’t understand and still don’t. The few friends I had left, they just figured if I drank enough, I’d get over it and get better. That didn’t happen.”
“Do you know why Pops and I fought?” Tears welled up in Maya’s eyes.
“No.”
She had never told anyone about the night of her grandmother’s funeral. Not even Doug. It had been one of her darkest moments, but she trusted Josh.
“Tell me more, if you want,” Josh said.
“I came home stateside for my grandmother’s funeral. The military gave me emergency leave, but I never made it out of San Diego. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t prepared to lose Nana. She was my main support.
“When I left for boot camp, I was so excited. But then I got homesick. I didn’t think I’d be able to finish. I called Nana and she helped me through it all. She helped me believe in myself. When I finished boot camp and found out I was on my dream career track of becoming a K-9 handler, Nana was my first call. She was so proud of me. She was my everything. So, when she died, I couldn’t come home and face it.
“I went to a bar and drank myself into a stupor. Somehow, I got myself in a cab and back to a hotel. I sat there for about an hour with a gun to my head telling myself to end it. That all the mistakes I’d made would be over. But I kept thinking about my grandfather and how I couldn’t leave him alone, so I set the gun down and passed out. When I woke up the next morning, I decided that when I got out of the military, I would go home. I thought home would be healing, but it wasn’t. My grandfather was furious that I missed the funeral, and that’s why we fought. I don’t blame him. I’d be mad too. I’ve never been able to tell him how close I was to ending it all. He’d be so disappointed in me.”
Josh nodded and squeezed her hand. “One thing I’ve learned going to NA and AA, we all make mistakes in life. It’s how we pick ourselves up and move forward that makes all the difference. Your grandfather loves you. He’s already forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself. I’m glad we’re both still here. If I’d walked into Lake Michigan, I never would have met you, and you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”
Maya didn’t know what to say. She gave Josh a tentative smile and squeezed his hand back. “Thank you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me too. Except for Juniper. Juniper has you beat.”
“As she should,” Josh said.
“You going to get that wound looked at?”
“You going to keep bossing me around?”
“Yep,” Maya said.
“I’ll get it checked out when we find out how Pops is doing. I don’t think it’s life-threatening and I’d rather stay here with you, if you’re okay with that.”
“I am.”
Then they waited.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Two weeks later
