Page 66 of Hunting the Truth
Maya nudged him in the shoulder and said, “Just be careful. I don’t wake up well.”
“Are you going to shoot me or something?”
“Maybe.” Maya laughed and went back to her dinner.Maybe this whole deal with Josh will work out.She cut another piece of her steak. “This is really good. So much better than frozen pizza. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll buy the food, you cook it,” she said.
“Deal,” Josh said, “but my menu is limited. It’s mostly beef.”
“Works for me,” Maya said. She hesitated and then said, “Have you been able to get to more AA meetings? You told me you were having a hard time. You want to talk about it? I mean, you always listen to me. It’s time I return the favor.”
Josh shrugged and Maya thought he might not want to discuss things. She understood that. She was about ready to say something when he spoke up.
“This Thanksgiving it will be three years since my partner died. I can’t believe how fast time has gone. I also can’t believe he’s gone and I’m still here. It doesn’t seem right. He had a wife and two little kids. I remember watching them struggle with Christmas that year. I tried to help, but I was already spiraling out of control myself.”
“I understand,” Maya said. “There were so many soldiers killed in Afghanistan who had families and children back home. I always wondered why I lived and they didn’t.”
“Survivor’s guilt, I guess is what it’s called,” Josh said.
“Yeah, and it sucks.”
“A couple weeks ago, I started thinking about how we were heading into the holidays again. They’re not that far away. I was wondering how his family was doing. Now that I’m sober and taking care of myself, I thought maybe I should reach out to my partner’s wife. See if she needed anything.”
Maya nodded. “Did you call her?”
“I did...” Josh trailed off.
“Was she angry with you? Upset?”
“No, actually she was doing really well. The kids, both boys, are doing fantastic. One plays soccer, the other football. School had started and everything was good. Then she told me she remarried one of the guys on the Chicago PD. He’s a nice guy, although he wouldn’t have anything to do with me after my partner’s funeral, but that’s the way it goes. I told her congratulations and we left it at that, but when I hung up, I was so angry. I know that’s stupid. I should be happy she’s moving on with her life and that she’s remarried and that the kids have a father, but all these emotions hit. And they hit hard. That’s when I walked down to the Black Bear and ordered a beer. I almost called you, but I didn’t want to bother you with my troubles. I managed to leave without taking a sip of anything, and I called my sponsor and your grandfather. Your grandfather told me to get to some meetings and get my head back on straight, so I did.”
“I’m so sorry,” Maya said, reaching over and resting her hand on his arm. “You can always call me. Always.”
“Thanks,” Josh said. He locked gazes with her.
They leaned over and hesitated. Maya’s heart raced as she peered into Josh’s eyes. Then they kissed, tentative at first, and then deeper. She put her hands on his chest and then up around his neck, pulling him closer. Josh tenderly cupped the back of her head, drawing her in tighter.
“I could get used to this,” Josh said when they broke apart.
Maya stared down at the table and then back at him. “I could too...”
“But?” he prompted.
“You’ve been there for me in a way that no one else has,” Maya said. “I’m so grateful for you, but I still don’t know if I’m ready for a serious relationship.”
“Why not?”
Maya wanted to come up with her usual lame excuses: She didn’t have time. She liked her space and whatever else had come to mind over the years. But with Josh, she felt the need to be honest.
“I had a relationship when I was in the military. I thought he was the one, but it ended because I discovered he was a liar. He had a kid and wife and didn’t tell me about it. Not only was I horrified that I was the other woman, but I could have been court-martialed. The military doesn’t look very kindly on adultery. I broke it off when I found out. He said he was getting a divorce, but I swore off relationships—especially with someone I was working with. They get too complicated. Luckily, no one found out and I was deployed, so it worked out. I’m lucky he didn’t ruin my career.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. You’re talking about what it could have done to your career, but you’re not mentioning how much it probably broke your heart.”
“That too,” Maya said, softly. “The only person who knew that part was Nana. I called her crying the night I found out. She talked me through it and said there was someone else for me. Someone special. She was sure of it. Then I met you. But I don’t want to mess this up.”
“Why would you mess this up?” Josh asked. “Look at the things I’ve done. If anyone is going to mess this up, it’s me.”
