Page 2 of Vow to Protect
Fucking hope. What is hope? Other than a misconception of a fantasy that may or may not transpire—a glimmer of a chance. You’re better off with a roll of the dice and accepting fate, rather than putting all your money on a game of hope.
“I’ve no idea what Natalie is up to these days. She doesn’t talk to me about her life. I haven’t seen her in months.” Gretchen doesn’t engage, she’s already left me alone with the memory of my dirty one-night stand with Tilly’s mother, the queen of strippers, the sexy little temptress from Soul Sinners strip joint.
I make my way through the living space to the east side of the apartment, knowing my entire life is waiting patiently for me to read a few chapters of her favourite book. The door to her bedroom is ajar, with a haze of white light flickering intermittently. A sweet voice whispers words I can’t make out. Pushing the door open, I hitch my hip on the frame and fold my arms. A light projector sprinkles an array of stars across my daughters ceiling like the galaxy is swirling around her bed. She’s lying on her mattress with fingers linked and toes wiggling. Her dog Champ is curled up in a ball, pressed to her side with a tiny doll's blanket covering a section of his long back. It’s not even big enough to warm his body, but the dog doesn’t give a shit. He has her. She has him.
Remorse hits me hard. I spent months in a selfish state of self-pity, mourning a woman I loved. A breath of fresh air who could have been the reliable mother my daughter craves, or a wife I could call mine.
My only saving grace is the powerful love my baby girl offers me. She gazes up at the stars revolving around her room. “What are you thinking about, Shortie?” A hint of my tiredness cracks the last syllable.
Soft curls tumble over slender shoulders when she jumps up to sitting and smiles like I’m the best sight in the entire world. “I wish I could move things with my eyes, Daddy, like Matilda. Will you read to me about her?”
That innocent pearly face sets my heart on fire. “Is there room in that bed for me too?” I chuckle. “Those dolls seem to have the prime spot.”
Tilly swipes the soft toys with her arm, knocking them off the bed like Skittles, then pulls back the sheets and pats the free space with her tiny hand.
Four quick steps bring me to her nightstand. I sink down beside her and force down the lump in my throat when she snuggles into my side, all warm and innocent and cute. I inhale her familiar smell of shea butter, sighing contentedly into her scalp. “You know I love you big time, right?” I’m not the best with words, never have been. With women I know how to make them beg, but children—I’m useless.
“And I love you bigger than all the stars in the big sky, Daddy.”
“Well, that’s pretty big.” I chuckle, reaching for the book and opening it where we left off last night. Before I begin, she stares up at me with big searching eyes. “Will you tell me more about Mommy first?”
Does she need to know I fucked her mother in an alleyway behind my town car, after a night of binge drinking in Soul Sinners? My head falls to the feathery pillows.
“Tilly, you’re too young to understand adult relationships.” I consider how best to start. “But—I met your mother in a club.”
“Like a pony club?” Her innocence almost breaks me.
“Well, more like a party. Anyway, she was absolutely stunning with big brown eyes like yours, long blonde hair and a smile that could move things.” That wicked smile moved my dick every night I saw her perform. “I returned to the club to visit her. Then, one day I kissed her.” I screwed her against a wall. “The next time I saw your mommy, she was handing me a baby.”
“Me?”
I laugh softly, recalling her scrunched-up face and miniscule fingers. “Yes, you, Shortie. I fell in love with you the second I held you in my arms.” And sheismine. I paid for a DNA test to make sure she had De Courcy blood running through her veins, then drank a bottle of Scotch when reality kicked in.
I announced the facts to my parents, admitting I fucked a stripper and tainted our pure aristocracy bloodline. It didn’t matter to me, even if my father was a dick about it. He finally accepted my misdemeanor, as he put it, and welcomed his granddaughter with open arms. As a single father, I took on the challenge of raising a child, while her fanciful mother showed up when it suited her. I’ll never deny Natalie access to her daughter. I’m not a monster. Tilly deserves to know her mother, but on my terms now.
“Why does she always leave me?”
“She’s not ready for the responsibility of having a kid. Natalie was young and foolish when we met. Back then, she was only twenty-one. I was the older wiser one.” I had money, plenty of it and she had a new job in a new strip joint.
A little over six years ago, Natalie knocked on my door and presented a baby, pleading with me to do the honourable thing and raiseourchild. I offered to put them both up in an apartment, but she said the baby would be safer with me. At that point we agreed on shared custody. “Look, we have each other. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best dad in the world, Shortie. I’m trying really hard to make it up to you.”
I nuzzle the tip of my nose against hers.
“We have Champ too.” Kaleb’s silly dog pricks its ears when she says his name. “It’s okay, Champers, Daddy is telling me more about Mommy.” Tilly scoots beneath the sheet and fixes it over the both of us. “Maybe one day she’ll want to stay with us, Daddy.”
That wasn’t a question. It was her fucking hope gathering momentum. The heat of my anger flares within me. If I wasn’t mentally counting back from one hundred to calm my temper, I’d smash the fucking book against the wall. An urge to annihilate her pillar of hope with the wretched truth overwhelms me, but the last thing I would ever do is hurt my innocent daughter. She doesn’t need to know her mother refuses my help, even if that means she could see her daughter every day.
“You, me and Champ against the world.” The warmth of a soft kiss to my cheek is a tonic for my solitude. I’m not lonely when I have her love. “Where did we finish last night? I think Matilda was getting to know that nice schoolteacher?”
“Yes, Daddy. I’d rather have you than those horrible parents.”
That comment makes my cheeks ache. I grin down at her. Unconditional love. That’s what she has for me, for the man reading her a story, for the man who spiralled into a depression, for the man who battles demons every day.
I’ve been a selfish bastard.
“Well, thank goodness for that.” I kiss the crown of her head. “Tilly, you know I’ve missed you more than the sunlight, and we both know how much I love the sun.”
“It’s okay, Daddy, we all get sad sometimes. I was sad when Syrah died. Maybe Mommy will make it all better. Whenever she comes to visit us, you can kiss her instead.”
