Page 4 of Perfect Happiness
“Jiyoo Cha,” Mother said again.
Jiyoo was still not used to this name.Father’s last name was Seo.So, naturally, everyone, Grandma, Auntie, even her stepfather, called her “Jiyoo Seo.”
But recently Mother would refer to Jiyoo using stepfather’s last name.She told Jiyoo she would go by this name next year when she entered elementary school.Jiyoo needed to practice, Mother explained.She needed to practice answering when Mother called her by what would soon become her new name.Jiyoo walked over to Mother and stood in front of her.
“Jiyoo Cha,” Mother said again.
“Yes?”Jiyoo said reluctantly.
“Look at Mommy.”Her voice was now somewhat softer.Jiyoo raised her head.
“Why did Mommy get angry?”
Jiyoo knew the answer.How could she not?Mother always pointed it out to her.“Because I startled you.”
Mother extended her hand and touched the left side of Jiyoo’s jaw.It was Jiyoo’s right side that had been struck with the hair dryer.
“Does it hurt?”
“A little,” Jiyoo said before quickly adding, “But I’m fine now.”
Mother opened her arms toward Jiyoo.“Come here, my daughter.”
Jiyoo reluctantly entered Mother’s embrace.She could feel the sensation of Mother’s round, subtle, exposed breasts on her shoulder.She could also hear a heart pounding loudly, the way a rabid dog would bark.But she couldn’t tell if it was hers or Mother’s.
“Forget about dreams,” Mother muttered as she rubbed Jiyoo’s back with the tips of her fingers.“What’s important is that I love you more than anything else in the world.”
It sounded like Mother was talking to herself.Her words were as cold and distant as the wind that swept across the wetlands every day.Tears started to flow from Jiyoo’s eyes again, tickling her eyelashes.
“Do you understand?”Mother said as she held Jiyoo in front of her and looked her in the eye.At times like this, “Do you understand?”wasn’t really a question.It was Mother’s way of sending a message—a message that it was time to apologize.
“I’m sorry, Mother,” Jiyoo said.“I’ll be more careful from now on.”
Mother collected her hair behind her shoulders and sat up.Her breasts were tight and puffed out, like a pair of cocked pistols.Jiyoo glanced furtively to the side of the sofa.She was thinking about whether she should bring Mother her clothes or keep pretending she hadn’t noticed.
“I have something to tell you,” Mother said.She seemed like she was done talking about her hand.“Your father left yesterday.”
Mother’s eyes looked glazed over as she said this.Her eyes were directed at Jiyoo, but her attention was elsewhere.Jiyoo knew this look well.
“He told me to tell you he’s sorry he couldn’t keep his promise.”
Jiyoo had already figured this out.She also had a hunch about why Mother wasn’t in a good mood.She must have had a fight with Father last night.Like they always did when they used to live together.Mother believed that Jiyoo didn’t remember those times.She was only half right.Although Jiyoo didn’t remember everything, there were a few fragments of memories that remained.Like the vivid images from that night Mother cut her wrist with a kitchen knife.
That night, Mother and Father were having another fight.She wailed and screamed and threw things at him.Jiyoo hid under the kitchen table.She covered both ears to block out the screaming and closed her eyes so she wouldn’t see this person she didn’t recognize, all the while wishing desperately for the fight to be over.
Ever since then, the images from that day would from time to time find Jiyoo in her dreams.Mother sprawled out on the kitchen floor, her hand covered in blood, the kitchen knife at Jiyoo’s feet, Father’s hands as he wrapped Mother’s wrist in a towel, and the blood vessels popping out of his forehead.Most vivid of all was the memory of waiting for Mother in the emergency room with Father.
Jiyoo figured something similar had happened last night.But something seemed different.Of course, Mother had bandages on her hand again.But this time, Father hadn’t taken her to the emergency room.He had left even though Mother was bleeding.Or was that really what happened?There was a whispering voice somewhere deep inside Jiyoo’s head that said otherwise, but Jiyoo didn’t want to hear it.Instead, she waited for Mother to explain.
“Father won’t be coming back anymore.”
Jiyoo felt the tips of her dangling fingers twitch slightly.Anymore?She wanted to ask what Mother meant by this, but she resisted the urge.Mother had said so, and that was that.Asking wasn’t going to bring Father back.Nor did Jiyoo have the courage to ask why he left.After all, more important than Father’s absence was Mother’s feelings—at least to Jiyoo they were.
“I don’t mind,” Jiyoo said, finding a safe thing to say.“I can play with you, Mother.”
“No.Mommy has something to do.You go play in your room.”
“You want me to play in my room?”Jiyoo asked, not sure if she understood.
