Page 50 of Perfect Happiness
I planted a flower in my weeping heart…
He never sang any other song, as if there was an infinite repeat sign at the end of this one song.Tapping to the beat with his fingernails on the steering wheel, he would hum the song to himself.
Spring has returned and the flower has bloomed
The flower has bloomed like my longing for you
Jane wanted to know.For whom did he plant a flower in his heart?Was it for Mom?Would spring return to their home?Would Mom ever smile again like a blossoming flower?
When it was time for lunch, Dad parked the pickup truck at a rest stop.He asked if Jane wanted anything to eat.
“You can have whatever you want.”
Jane shook her head.She didn’t want to eat.Or rather, shecouldn’teat.She couldn’t eat anything that had been bought with Dad’s money while he was out here planting flowers in his heart and running around begging people to buy his engine oil.
“Then do you want to share my lunchbox with me?”
“Yes.”
Dad took out a thermos and a lunchbox from behind the driver’s seat.Jane immediately recognized the leftover rice and side dishes from earlier that morning.Father poured some hot water into the thermos cap and put it in Jane’s hand.
“The rice is cold, so mix it with some hot water.”
Jane followed her dad around all spring break.The lunches she ate with him in his pickup truck blossomed like flowers inside her memory.Although, at the time she didn’t know it.She only learned those memories were beautiful flowers when the snow thawed and spring returned.Those flowers protected her from everything: despair, madness, even death.
Another year passed, and the following February, Yuna returned from Woohyeri.But when she returned, she bore a knife in her heart.A knife that was aimed not at Dad nor Mom, but Jane.Yuna believed that Jane should be sent away, just likeshewas sent away.She made no efforts to hide her feelings.In fact, she deliberately worked to make her desires a reality.
First, Yuna didn’t call Janeunnielike she was supposed to.In some ways, it was thanks to Yuna that Jane learned so many alternatives for the phrase “big sister.”Her favorites, wereHey,You,Idiot,That Thing,It,andBitch.
Yuna had to have the best things: clothes, school supplies, even her hairpins had to be better than Jane’s.And she also had to receive all her meals and snacks before Jane.If Jane got as much as a single slice of apple before Yuna did, Yuna would turn the house upside down.On days their dad wasn’t home, she would throw plates and cups.On days he was home, she would roll at his feet and cry bitterly.
Yuna also liked giving quizzes to their mom.The subject of the quiz was always her and Jane.
“Mom, who do you like more?Jane or me?”
At first, Mom would answer these questions like any responsible parent.
“What are you talking about?You’re both my daughters.”
“Who said we weren’t?I asked who youlikedbetter.”
Even up to this point, Mom tried to work her way around the question.
“Well, you are the youngest.So I guess that would make you cuter.”
“I’m not asking about cuteness.Who do you like better.”
There were flames flickering in Yuna’s eyes—flames that threatened to burst into an inferno.To put out this fire before it spread and consumed everything, Mom gave Yuna the answer she wanted.
“I like you better.”
But this wasn’t enough for Yuna.She always had to take it one step further.
“Mom, you hated sending me to Grandma’s, didn’t you?You wouldn’t have sent me if it weren’t for Jane, right?”
After a while, Mom stopped resisting and merely glanced at Jane with an expression that asked for forgiveness.She hoped that Jane would understand she was doing it to maintain the peace.
Yuna’s game of quizzes became a daily occurrence, and Mom stopped looking to Jane for forgiveness.There was no hesitation in her answers.“Of course,” she would say.“You’re my favorite, Yuna.”
