Page 68 of Perfect Happiness
But just because he could get an answer didn’t mean it would be easy.He realized this anew once he got home and sat down at his desk.He never knew that opening his laptop, connecting to the internet, and going to the school’s homepage could feel so difficult and terrifying.When he went to the open forum, he felt like he had voluntarily lain down at the guillotine.There were several pages of postings regarding him.
He got divorced only a year into his first marriage.And three years after that, he got remarried to a wealthy businesswoman.He was so crazy for her that he left his own son to be raised by his grandma.How could a five-year-old boy be smothered to death by his father unless it was intentional?His new wife must have hated the boy.He and she might have colluded.The police are investigating it as a potential homicide.Why else would they order an autopsy?
Eun-ho could feel sour saliva pooling up beneath his tongue.His throat constricted just like it did right before vomiting.His intestines twisted into a knot.It felt like a large hand was squeezing his bowels—and not just once, but multiple times and at regular intervals.Was this what contractions felt like?
Eun-ho lay with his forehead on the desk.He wrapped his arms around his stomach and curled up.He was desperately trying to steady his breathing.It wasn’t working.Every time he breathed out, a whimpering groan escaped his lips.Some liquid was trickling down Eun-ho’s chin, but he didn’t know if it was tears, sweat, or saliva.Eun-ho felt like he was an animal.
It took a long time for the spasms to stop.When he lifted his head again, his whole body was covered in sweat.His brain felt like a battlefield that had just been bombed to oblivion.It was all he could do to stop himself from getting on the floor and curling up into a ball.
He wasn’t on the ground because he was exhausted from pain.Nor was he bothered by the baseless attacks of a bunch of kids and parents.Although there were some exaggerations, these were just side branches.As with all things, when you took away emotions and the backstory, you were left with just the essence of what happened—things that were clearer to others than they were himself, things that he knew but didn’t want to admit.These online comments opened Eun-ho’s eyes to the truth, breaking him into a million pieces.
This was how Eun-ho had lived up to this point—like a dog that ignored its own tail.The past was like a tail.Even if you cut it off, it wouldn’t disappear completely because there was always at least one person who would remember it used to be there.
Eun-ho closed the school homepage.He didn’t open the email he got from the department of education.He didn’t even open his search engine, afraid that he might see himself on the news.But there was one thing that he couldn’t avoid checking.Eun-ho went into his personal email inbox.There was a reply from Yoon-hee.It had arrived faster than he expected.The subject was simply his name with a period.
Eun-ho Cha.
Eun-ho opened the email.
I never knew I would hear from you again, especially not under circumstances like this.If you’re hoping for forgiveness, don’t.And if you think you can run from this, don’t.We can never run from the truth.I can’t run from the fact that I abandoned my son, and you can’t run from the fact that you killed him.
PS: Think about it carefully.Be honest with yourself for once and ask yourself, Could you really have done that in your sleep?We were together for seven years.The Eun-ho I knew would have woken up.You’re the Princess and the Pea.Perhaps you were drunk or took a handful of sleeping pills before bed.
Eun-ho didn’t drink that night, nor had he taken any sleeping pills.He’d already told the police this several times.Eun-ho knew this was unfavorable for him to admit, but it was the truth.The only thing he had that night was quince tea.The one Wife made him…
Without warning, the primary-colored teacups flashed across his eyes.Red for him, blue for Mother, and yellow for Wife.No.Yellow for Mother, blue for Wife ...
Eun-ho shook his head and tried to rid himself of these images.He also threw dirt onto the thoughts, which were flickering like dying embers.He knew he could remember whose cup was whose if he focused, but he didn’t want to.Asking questions about that would only lead him to preposterous conclusions.He had no choice but to forget about it.
Eun-ho brought another matter into his mind.The question of which wife was correct: his current wife, or his ex-wife?Just regarding his sleeping habits, the two women had vastly different opinions.He needed the opinion of a credible third party.
What about Mom?Jinu?No, neither would do.Opinions based on memory were meaningless right now.The person needed to be someone who would give him an objective record of what he did while asleep.
Eun-ho searched up the words “psychiatric clinic” and “sleep disorders.”He got several articles about sleep disorders and depression.When he moved on to the second page of results, he started to see links to clinics that specialized in sleep disorders.He clicked on one of these.
It was an article explaining polysomnography: a test that analyzes brain waves, electrocardiograms, breathing patterns, and muscle movements of patients while they sleep to diagnose sleep disorders.The National Health Insurance covered conditions such as sleep apnea, narcolepsy, or hypersomnia.It seemed like Eun-ho couldn’t count on insurance to help with the cost for the exam, but that didn’t matter.The bigger problem was that the clinic was across town.
Eun-ho narrowed his search results to clinics in Cheongyeon.There was a clinic close to his house.According to their website, they had next-day results.Eun-ho organized his thoughts for a moment.Why did he have to take this exam?What was he trying to prove?And what would come of this?
Eun-ho couldn’t accept that he had killed Noah.Even though there was undeniable physical evidence, he couldn’t accept it.If what Yoon-hee said was right, things would get worse for Eun-ho by taking this sleep study.If the study results agreed with Yoon-hee, and if he gave the police his study results, he might be charged with murder.Should he still do it?
Yes.He could think later about what the police might do with the information.He needed any kind of evidence that said he didn’t kill Noah.That was the only way he could go on living.Whether it was manslaughter or not, he couldn’t live knowing he had killed his own son.
Eun-ho called the clinic and made an appointment.He was able to get a same-day appointment.He could get everything done at the same clinic.He would have a consultation at 5:40 and start the test at 8:30.He would be able to check his results the next day.
Eun-ho turned off his laptop and went up to Noah’s room.He didn’t have a reason for going there, but his legs had a mind of their own.
There was a box lying on Noah’s desk.It was one of the large blue boxes they had used during the move.He had brought it here from storage last night.Inside were all of Noah’s belongings: his clothes, school bag, soccer ball, and Pengsoo.
Wife, who had packed the box, couldn’t understand why Eun-ho was upset about it.She said she did it for him, that she was afraid seeing Pengsoo would remind him of that day.She was afraid that the soccer ball would fill him with guilt.She was planning on burning the clothes and school bag after the three-day mourning period passed.
“I just did it because you were incapable of doing it yourself.”
The look on her face was asking what the big deal was.
“You always do this.Why doyoualways decide what it is thatIwant?”
“When have I ever?”
