Page 73 of Body Check
Blue stands up and stretches, like he’s had a long day, and he’s heading up to bed, but instead, he stalks toward Mickey. “I’m going to kill you,” he says calmly.
“The fuck?” Mickey asks.
“You heard me. You and your mangy-ass whore of a cat are going down. Hazel! You are grounded. We do not sleep with alley cats. You know this!”
Blue races up the stairs as we all start laughing. Well, all of us except Mickey. His jaw drops when he figures it out. “The fancy cat belongs to Blue?”
“Yeah, dude. How did you not know that?” Dime asks. “You better hope your cat wore a condom.”
Epilogue
DUTTON
Ollie’s wearing a Santa suit. That’s not surprising. Christmas is a few days away and he’s the social director around here, so it’s not shocking that he’s dressed up.
What’s weird is that he owns the suit. It’s actually his, custom-made to fit him like a glove. What’s even weirder is that he’s shirtless. There’s no jacket on his bespoke Santa outfit. Maybe he’s going to strip for us? If so, I’m out. I’m taking Bridgette and heading upstairs.
“You’re not going anywhere,” she whispers in my ear like she can read my mind. “We have to stay for Secret Santa. Then we can go upstairs.”
“Yeah, and you can sit on my lap,” I tease. “Or, you know, my face.”
“How about both?”
“Remind me again why we aren’t naked and in my bed right now,” I ask her.
“Ho, ho, ho!” Ollie bellows, getting everyone's attention. “It’s time to find out who’s been naughty or nice this year,” he says, signing as he speaks.
“Mr. Fucking Tittles has been naughty,” Blue grumbles. He’s still pissed that Mickey’s stray cat defiled his precious Hazel. But he’s going to have to get over it because he and Mick are going to be Cat Grandaddies in a couple months.
Ollie shakes the bag of gifts and I hear something rattle. It sounds like glass. That can’t be good. The freshmen are dressed like shirtless elves, and yeah, there’s a weird porno vibe to our holiday celebration, but I’ve come to expect that in this place.
They start passing out gifts while I’m counting down the minutes until I can get Bridgette alone and upstairs. We’re leaving to visit her folks in Jersey tonight, so if Ollie takes much longer playing Santa and ends up cockblocking me, I’ll be pissed.
We’ll spend some time with the Mikalskis, and then we’ll come back to Maryland to spend a few days with my folks. Dad’s doing a lot better than I expected. He ended up doing the clinical trial, and the meds seem to be working well. They’re supposed to slow the progression of the disease, and because the doctors caught it early, he has many more better days than bad ones. He’s even working at the shop again. I think it helps him to feel like he still has some control over his life, and it’s good for his mind to stay active.
“All right, all you naughty little boys and girls, this is how it’s going to go. We’ll open the gifts one at a time, that way everyone can see what you got. Okay, Dean, you’re up first.”
“Whoa, what the hell?” Dime asks. I can’t take him seriously with that stupid costume on. “We’re taking turns? Do you even know how Christmas works? You get a gift and you tear into it like it’s a bomb about to go off. That's a holiday tradition. Anything else is sacrilege.”
Ollie shakes his head. “I’m the one in the Santa suit. I make the rules,” he signs as he speaks.
“That’s not a Santa suit,” Dean corrects. “That’s a stripper costume. It doesn’t count. Your rules are invalid. Here we go.”
That’s all the encouragement this crowd needs. They tear into their gifts like a pack of wild animals, and I just sit back and watch, like a spectator at the zoo.
“You’re not going to open yours?” Bridgette asks.
“Not yet, this is too good,” I tell her, watching as Leo opens a package and his face turns bright red. Before he can hide the gift under a pile of wrapping paper, Dime holds it up, hooting with laughter.
I’m not sure who Leo’s Secret Santa is or why they think he needs a reindeer vibrator, but again, anything goes when you’re in the hockey house.
“Is that the Sleigher? You lucky bitch. Those things sold out in less than a day. I am so jealous right now,” Ollie grumbles. “The dual antlers rotate for hours of pleasure.”
Before Leo can even respond, Liza strides right over and plucks the box from his hand. “Sorry. You must have gotten this by mistake. This, uh, this is not a Secret Santa gift,” she says, her cheeks turning the color of Ollie’s costume as she takes the box and walks out of the room.
Nobody dares to say anything because even though this team is full of self-proclaimed comedians, no one in this room is dumb enough to piss off Liza DeWalt since she’s in charge of our uniforms, our equipment, and our living situation.
Okay, there is one guy dumb enough, but my best friend’s too busy picking his jaw up off the floor to say anything.
