Page 48 of Player
"Do you think all women can feel that kind of thing?" Pia asks me.
This time, she's completely lobster-red. She gives me a quick glance.
I shrug, playing it off. "I imagine so."
Pia nods but doesn't say anything more. I wonder if she's a virgin too, before realizing that I'm not one anymore!
I lost my virginity to Player.I press my lips together, overcome with a surge of guilt. I shouldn't have done that. It was the biggest mistake of my entire life. And yet, the most delicious one too!
Yes, it would undoubtedly be easier for me to regret what we did if I hadn't enjoyed myself so much. The next time I sleep with a man, he'll have no trouble surpassing Player on the emotional level, but sexually, I sense that I've experienced the hook-up of the century.
I shake my head to chase Player from my thoughts, but it's a lost cause. How could I forget him so quickly when my body still feels the effects of that night?
Player won this game he initiated between us, and I slept with him of my own free will. What does that say about me?Was last night the consequence of too many hormones repressed for too long? Or am I a sex-crazed slut?
I let out a frustrated sigh. Now I'm starting to think with language as crude as Player's. He can't have that much impact on me. I refuse it. Okay, he'll remain my first, but I don't have to dwell on it.
We had pleasure between consenting adults, isn't that all that matters? Besides, that's probably Player's mindset since he kicked me out of his room as soon as we were done.
Shame floods me again at this memory. I feel humiliated by the end of that night. He hurt me, not physically, but psychologically. His attitude is truly incomprehensible. What did I do for him to throw me out like that?
Listen to yourself!
He's the one with the problem, not me. I need to stand firm on this point and stop questioning myself. Between us, he was the one who knew what he was doing.
But you're just as responsible for agreeing to sleep with him.
I should never have done it. That's what my reason keeps trying to believe, but I can't bring myself to regret the experience despite its abrupt conclusion. Is pleasure a valid reason to accept Player's behavior though?
My dignity doesn't think so, but my body wants more.
My hands freeze above the fondant. I'm shocked to realize the turn my thoughts are taking. Player seems to have initiated me into lust at the expense of all other considerations. And I'm not sure I like what that makes me.
Pia's voice pulls me from my thoughts. "I've only had one boyfriend," she confides.
Her face takes on a pensive expression, and I look at her with concern.
"Did it end badly?" I ask after a moment of silence.
Pia lowers her eyes to the cake she's covering with the white fondant she rolled into a thin layer. "You could say that..."
I get the impression she doesn't want to elaborate on the subject, but she surprises me by adding, "He was my best friend, we'd known each other since we were little. He knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. And then..."
Her voice breaks, and I can feel the sorrow emanating from her. Obviously, whatever happened between them, Pia hasn't gotten over it yet.
"Are you still in contact?"
My friend sadly shakes her head. "No. And that's perhaps the hardest part of it all, because we shared everything together. But from one day to the next, it stopped, and I felt like I lost a part of myself."
"I know what you mean."
Pia gives me a sidelong glance. "You have an ex too?"
"No, I was thinking about my brother. Bradley and I were almost as close as twins. But without me knowing why, he distanced himself from me." The memories come flooding back. I wish I could turn back time. I continue, "I keep telling myself that if I had been more attentive, I could have understood what was happening to him."
"Have you talked about it since?"
I shake my head. "He joined the Marines, and I don't see him much anymore."
