Page 136 of Mate
I clear my throat. “I think Misery may have tried to warn me.”
“About knots.”
“I thought she was on her usual bullshit, so I ignored her.”
“Understandable.”
“There’s a Human urban legend that Weres have inflatable dicks, but it’s widely believed to be made up. Like the rumor that Vampyres pulverize in the sun? But lo and behold, we found a single conspiracy theory grounded in reality. Of course it’s the one about genitalia.”
Koen doesn’t reply, so I lift myself up on my forearm and look at him. Theknot— here I am, using new vocabulary in full sentences— has deflated, but I’m still half on top of him,clearheaded once again. He plays with my hair, marks every inch of my skin, squeezes the fat and muscles of my body, moving from curve to bone like he couldn’t stop even if he wanted. I wonder if he’s storing every little touch for later. If he’s even aware of what he’s doing, staring at me with a faint half smile that is just . . .
Lovesick.
It’s like a boulder in my stomach, the transience of this. Of us. We’re momentary. Impermanent. Doomed.
He deserves better. “So,” I say lightly, a little forced. “You do like sex, after all.”
“Did I say that I didn’t?”
“No. Just . . .” I chew on my lower lip. “Amanda said you never looked like you missed it.”
“Because I didn’t.”
I swallow. “Do you think . . . After this is done, do you think it’ll be harder for you to go back to not having it?”
“Serena,” he says, deliberate, level. “None of this is about sex.”
“Then what— ”
“You. This, all of it, is purely aboutyou.”
I sit up, desperate to find the right thing to say. The sheet slides down to my hips, and Koen doesn’t pretend to look anywhere but at my breasts. “Stillspectacular?” I joke, fighting the impulse to cover myself. It’s a little uncomfortable, being on display, even after what we just did.
“I hope you never find out the things I’ve done while thinking about them.”
I flush. “I was so self-conscious about my body. For the longest time.”
“Why?”
I draw up my knees. Cover myself. “Just the side effect of being the short, busty sidekick to a tall, elegant, cypress-likeprincess creature.” My cheeks are hot. “It’s nice, I guess. That you’re not disappointed in the way I look.”
“Disappointed?”
“Yeah. I mean, it could have shaken out in a different . . . Why are you staring at me like I just told you that angels’ wings are made of porridge?”
He exhales, speechless. “You know what? You wouldn’t get it.”
“How so?”
“Leave it alone.”
“But I want to know.”
“Just . . .” He bites the inside of his cheek, looking for the right words. “You are my mate. I would have wanted you no matter what. Iwillwant you no matter what. But you are also . . .” He licks his lips. “If someone had given me a piece of paper and asked me to list everything I liked, everything I dreamed of, everything that I was sure would make me happy, you would have been the final product of it.”
My heart thuds in my chest.Good line, I want to tell him, just to dull the way it stabs through my ribs.No need to waste it on me, I’m already a sure thing.
But it’s so obviouslynota line. He’s trying to explain something to me, something that he knows in his belly, and I . . .
