Page 59 of Uriah's Orbit
I slipped off the stool and headed for the back of the bar. Dashing through the kitchen, I found the delivery door and pushed it open.
Uriah was on the steps, his head in his hands. I closed the door and he looked up, then glanced at his watch.
“Timing me?”
“Yes,” he said. “Took you twenty minutes to realize I didn’t come back.”
“Uriah…”
“I don’t know if I can wait much longer, Austin. I’ve never hidden who I was once we—Noah and I—came out. I like you, a lot, but I can’t keep hiding what I want us to be.”
“I just…” I sighed. “It’s not simple.”
“Nothing is simple, Austin. Do you have any idea how I felt when you grabbedHaileyand kissed her instead of just turning to me?”
It hadn’t even crossed my mind to ask for his help. Not even platonically. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to turn and make a joke, offer up his services for her baby fever—or even just lay a kiss on him. It didn’t even have to be a real kiss—why would she ever tell anyone that Austin Lowell kissed a guy and turnedherdown for baby making services.
I was absolutely terrified of being found out.
My jaw worked a few times, but there was nothing for me to say.
I fucked up.
I was continuing to fuck up.
“Does I’m sorry even work here?”
Uriah didn’t answer, looking down the alley. It was uncomfortably quiet and I hated it.
“I can’t force you to come out, Austin. I want you to, I can sit here and tell you that I want to be more than just a secret in your closet. But I can’t make you do anything.”
“Can we work on us?”
“No, we can’t. Not while we’re on two different sides of the same door.”
“But we’re…”
“What? We’re what? We see each other once or twice a week. We hide in your apartment if the kids aren’t there. We meet up with the guys once a week for drinks—never alone so no one can guess. I can’t hold your hand, I can’t kiss you. I can’t walk up to you and say hello and hug you.”
“I want to come out—”
“You want to come out because we take naked showers together and you like a good frotting,” Uriah said. “You don’t want to come out for you. You don’t want to be a gay man.”
“No, I do! I’m just not sure that now…”
“What are we, Austin?”
“What?”
He sighed and turned to me. “What are we? We barely see each other. We text. We’re too busy to even sneak around. We can’t go to your place because of kids. We can’t go to mine because of my brother. What are we doing?”
“You’re breaking this off.”
After a very deep breath. “I live out loud, Austin. I’m gay. It’s not easy. I’ve been bullied, beaten, spit on, cut, punched, and terminated from jobs. Noah was stabbed because some dude thought he was making a pass. But I am not going to hide who I am.
“And I’m not going to hide who I’m with. I thought that maybe, you seeing me out in the world, interacting, being authentic, would help you step out.
“I want to hold your hand in Times Square and kiss you on the ice in Rockefeller Center. We can’t do that. This doesn’t feel like a real thing to me right now. IknowI said I would try and wait, but I realize that I can’t.
