Page 49 of The Tomorrows After You
I took deep breaths trying towillmy throat to open so I could say something, anything. But I had no words because I had no thoughts. My body was humming with desire and disappointment and I didn’t trust myself to speak. Dragging my fingers over the laptop I’d left on the counter, I grasped it with a shaky hand, pulled it into my chest, and glided into my room where I stayed for the rest of the day and into the night.
16
Riot
Igot into my handful of scuffles in prison. They were unavoidable. The wound that left the scar on my chin had been a doozy. But it didn’t come close to the searing pain in my chest when I saw the look on Nicolette’s face after I’d halted our kiss and said, like an idiot, I didn’t know what came over me.
I had tried telling myself that I wasn’t attracted to her. That it had just been twelve miserable years since I’d been with a woman and even a bratty city girl like Nicolette was starting to be desirable. But it was a lie.
Becauseof course,I knew what came over me.Shecame over me. And I wanted her to come over me again. Under me. On top of me. I wanted her. I wanted every inch of her. I wanted her all over me and I wanted to keep her forever.
That kiss.God, that kiss.The discomfort in my jeans was outstanding but, goddamn, if that wasn’t the best kiss I’d ever had. I felt like a pathetic nobody, begging her to stay. I wasn’t sure why I’d done it. It would be easier to go back to my regularly scheduled, Katie-programmed life if Nicolette wasn’t sleeping thirty feet from my bed every night.
All Iknewwasthat if sheleft, I wouldhaveto come back to this empty house, void of the hope and life that shehadbroughtwith her. I would go back tolivingin slow motion. In black and white. It would happen eventually. A woman like Nicolette Parkerwasdestinedfor bigger things than Godot. Bigger things than me.
I wrapped my arms around my uneasy stomach, dropping onto my bed. I closed my eyes and relived every moment of the past half an hour. Hearing her screaming terrified me to my bones but thenthe relief that flooded my body when I saw they were just playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em fucking Robots was too overwhelming to process and I snapped, dragging her out like the petulant brat she used to be to me.
And then she started packing and every cell in my body needed her to stay put. To turn around. To not be upset.
Why was I always upsetting her?
So I kissed her. I had to. I think I would have dissolved into a heaping pile of flesh and bones if I hadn’t kissed her in that moment. I had wanted to apologize. And now I had made things worse. I prayed she would stay. Not because I needed her at the Farmer's Market, but because I needed her towantto stay. I needed her light. I needed the chaotic colors of her personality to paint the empty walls of my heart.
I think it’s just been a really long time.
God, I was such a fucking idiot.
The days that ensued were moving in reverse. Whether it was on purpose or by happenstance, I hardly saw Nicolette once. I would be up and out early before she woke up, and she’d be gone every night when I got home. She used her outside entrance to come home, which hurt my soul because she had always used the front door before. I would hear rustling now and then and I would make believe she was making noise to tell me she was here and got home safe for the night. We were like ships passing in the night and I couldn’t help but feel like she was avoiding me. Not that I blamed her. Kissing her had been foolish but telling her the kiss was a result of being a celibate jailbird for ten years was downright asinine.
She had to know that wasn’t the truth, right?
After the kiss, uneasiness crept through me the first time Katie came over. I told myself I had nothing to feel guilty for. Katie made it clear we were not romantically involved (yet). But still, I had that guilty, jittery energy when shebrought dinner over. I hadn’t addressed the little tidbit of information Nicolette told me about Katie’s plans. I knew I needed to but my entire soul was consumed at the moment and the idea of another heavy conversation almost broke me.
As Katielaughedobnoxiously loud,stakingher claim in the kitchen, I didn’t hear a peep from the lanai. Not even a floorboardcreaked, and Iwonderedif Nicolettewashome. She usuallywasat this hour and I couldn’t help but run through the possibilities of where she mighthavegone. The uneasinessspilledover into anxiety. Ihadto talk to her.
“What’s going on with you?” Katie asked as I walked her to her car later that night.
“Hm?” I wasn’t good at playing dumb but I didn’t care. I was already concocting an excuse to knock on Nicolette’s door. But I froze when I saw a black Infiniti SUV idling on the street outside the house, Nicolette stood outside the car and leaned in the open driver’s side window, blocking the view of the driver.
“You’ve been distracted. All week. What’s up?” she asked, but I wasn’t paying attention. Had the car dropped Nicolette off? And who the heck was driving?
“Nothing…” I muttered, trying to see, but the windows had an irritatingly dark tint. “Just haven’t been sleeping great.”
“Okay, well I was thinking, maybe, if you didn’t have plans already…” A jolt went through me when Nicolette spun around smiling, looking happy, more than happy. “... go to the carnival together?” She turned back to the driver and tilted her head, giving whoever it was a big smile. She started toward the house with an envelope in her hands when she spotted me and froze. She was several hundred feet away.
But I couldhavefelther eyes on me from across an ocean.
I saw her focus dart from Katie to me. She pushed her hair behind her ear and cast her eyes down. My heart clenched and the veins in my arms grew prickly. “... wouldn’t be a date or anything…” I was half-aware of Katie speaking but I was too focused on the brief profile of a man in sunglasses, rolling up the driver’s side window. “But maybe a trial run?See what kind of reactions we might get and work from there…” The car pulled away.
“Riot?” Katie grabbed my chin and forced my attention on her.
“Sorry, yes that sounds good,”Isaid,tryingmy hardest to bring my attention back to the small womanspeakingto me.
“I’llbe at the church and I need to get there a little early, so pick me up around ten?”
“Sure.” I shook my head as Nicolette disappeared behind the house. “Sorry, when?”
“Saturday — for the carnival?” She started tapping her foot impatiently.
