Page 116 of Emergency Exit
“Imeetwith politicians,” said Forest firmly. “And the suits come off once I get home. I mean, you want to talk about needing protective camouflage…” He shoved up his sleeve and pointed at his tattoos. “You think these things are welcome in the Middle East? Uh-no. I’ve been camouflaging for so long that I almost forgot what I look like.”
Ash blinked. The idea that his brothers were masking as much as he was seemed inconceivable.
“Well, but…” said Ash.
“I honestly don’t know where this is coming from,” complained Forest. “When has our family ever been normal? Rowan, you never thought we were normal, did you?”
“No,” said Rowan. “You’re the one who is going to plan for months and then get mad and jump off a cliff in a no-plan-blaze-of-glory.”
“That was only one time,” protested Forest. “And I barely broke anything.”
“And I always thought it was good Ash didn’t join the service because he would have been recruited by the CIA. He’s a disruptive influence.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that? I try very hard not to be,” protested Ash.
Forest let out a sharp bark of laughter.
“Ash,” said Rowan, shaking his head. “When are younotrocking the boat? Your entire business is finding and setting up disruptive technologies for success. You do the same thingthat Forest does. You wear the suit, and you blend in, and you pretend that you belong. But you are a Valkyrie, and trust me, you are not that boring.”
“You wear a suit too,” said Forest drily.
“That’s because I look good in it,” said Rowan. “Meanwhile, Ash, have you been… Did you think we needed you to be normal?”
“Don’t you?” demanded Ash. “You’re always complaining about the stuff Mom does. I do all the same stuff. I can’t sit still, I can’t remember names, show up on time, or do anything without a calendar reminder.”
“Yes, that drives me nuts about both of you,” agreed Rowan without looking guilty or concerned.
“I try, but I’m ADHD,” said Ash weakly.
“Yeah, which means she probably is, too,” said Rowan. Forest made a thoughtful noise but didn’t interrupt further. “But you do know that’s not why I have problems with Mom, right?”
“It’s really more the alcoholism and being fucking emotionally and physically absent for most of our childhood,” said Forest.
“She is sober!” yelled Ash.
“Now,” said Rowan calmly.
“You’re never going to forgive her,” said Ash, shaking his head. “And I am just like her.”
Ash walked to the edge of the balcony and looked out at the Seattle skyline. He could see the Smith Tower, the pyramid lit up for the holidays. He realized now that with Mason and Steph in jail, their penthouse would probably go up for sale. Then he realized that he’d just ADHD glitched in the middle of a fight with his brothers. Behind him, he could practically feel Rowan and Forest exchanging looks.
“She was there for me,” said Ash, trying to get back on topic. “You guys left, and Mom was there for me.”
“And I have never really stopped being mad about that,” saidForest. “I see you two together, and I get so fucking pissed. I wanted a mom like that, and I’ll never have it.”
“You could,” snapped Ash. “But you would have to stop being an asshole.”
“No, actually, he can’t,” said Rowan, and Ash turned to glare at him in mute pain and anger.
“Maybe we could have a better relationship with her now—as adults—but Ash, we can’t ever get those years back. Vivian lost her dad when she was eighteen. She says one of the things that surprises her the most about grief is how angry she gets about the relationship she can no longer have. Maybe this won’t make any sense to you, but Forest and I not only have trauma from abuse and neglect, but we are grieving the years with her that we can’t get back.”
“She has the same grief,” said Ash.
“And that makes me want to be less of an asshole,” said Forest, flopping down onto one of Ash’s patio chairs. “But it doesn’t fix it. However, back to the main point, Ash, if you think, for one second, that we need you to be normal… Think again. In case you haven’t met my girlfriend, I should point out that I love weird.”
Rowan chuckled. “Now, there is a disruptive influence—I love Chloe. Mom said she was absolutely wonderful and so great with Olly. It sounded like their lunch went great.”
“It really did,” said Ash.
