Page 58 of Emergency Exit
Margaritas and sunshine next year, I swear.
He hit send on that and then glanced back at Rowan on the porch. Forest had come back out, and Ash was surprised. Forest usually left—didn’t come back—and then would show up in a week and pretend the fight had never happened. Reluctantly, Ash went back up to the porch.
“But if I can do it, you can do it,” said Forest confidently to Rowan. “My point is that every time I do something that I consider baseline parenting—not evenAlevel—I realize all over again just how crappy a parent Mom was, and I get more angry.”
“She had reasons,” said Ash, gritting his teeth as Forest looked up in surprise. “And this is why she won’t come to family events.”
“Yeah, all my fault. Hashtag sorry, not sorry,” said Forest dismissively.
Ash felt his eye twitch. He could not believe his brother had just saidhashtagin all seriousness. Sometimes, his brothers seemed decades older instead of just a few years.
“I didn’t say you. I saidthis. She knows she was bad at parenting. She was escaping an abusive relationship, and she was self-medicating.”
“She’s an alcoholic,” said Forest bluntly.
“No, she has depression, anxiety, and PTSD from our dipshit father, which, yeah, she treated with alcohol.”
Ash expected Forest to yell and leave again. The topic of theirmother had never gone well before, but Ash had reached the point where he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Ash braced for impact, but Forest didn’t move.
“I can acknowledge that she had issues,” said Forest, slowly, “but it doesn’t change the facts about our childhood.”
“Those aren’t the only facts,” said Ash impatiently. “I remember pancakes. You remember them, too. It was fun. You don’t get to hate them now. Or maybe you do, but you don’t get to makemehate them.”
“Pancakes and casseroles,” muttered Forest, rubbing his hand through his beard and looking over his shoulder.
Ash followed Forest’s glance through the window, where Chloe and Vivian were playing with Olly in the living room. There was a heated foam sword battle going on. Ash had felt relieved at Halloween to find that Chloe was great with Olly. But today, he’d also been surprised to discover that Forest was very protective of his nanny. It annoyed Ash; he didn’t see why Chloe got to be as weird as she liked while Ash had to be normal.
“You’re right,” Forest said, and Ash tried to hide his surprise. “What I’m feeling are things I’m trying to deal with. I shouldn’t try to make you feel them, too. But what’s been really hard for me is the lack of acknowledgment from Mom. Or, frankly, from you.”
“You get plenty of acknowledgment from him,” said Ash bitterly, gesturing to Rowan with his glass. “I get it. You two knowsomuch better. But I don’t want to trash talk Mom! She doesn’t want to come to anything because she knows damn well that you two are sitting there judging her! Do you know how much anxiety she gets just leaving the house? How many presents she’s bought for Olly but then gets scared to send? Forest, you’ve had a panic attack. Why can’t you empathize? I love Mom. I don’t know how both of you can’t.”
“I love her,” said Rowan. “Or I wouldn’t have paid off hermortgage. Unfortunately, I have a tough time spending more than about an hour with her without wanting to put my fist through a wall.”
Ash was silent. He knew Rowan had transferred a bunch of the bills to himself when he’d gone into the service, but he hadn’t realized that their mother had never taken them back. He felt a chunk of guilt in his stomach like a lead weight.
“Thank you both for saying that,” Forest said, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Uh,” said Ash, glancing uncertainly at Rowan. “Was that sarcasm?”
“No, I’ve just spent a lot of time with Chloe, and I finally realized why she says it.”
“Care to enlighten the rest of us?” asked Rowan.
“She says it because we can’t reach understanding if we don’t tell each other the truth. Ash feels shut out. I feel like everyone is gaslighting me. Rowan just wants everyone to be all right. It’s fine. None of us are wrong. And it makes me feel so much better hearing what you’re feeling. I’m sorry, Ash. I don’t want to trash talk Mom, and I do remember pancakes. I remember superhero days and midnight sprinkler runs in the park.”
Involuntarily, Ash chuckled at the memory of dashing across the neighborhood in the dark to play in park sprinklers. “Those were the best.”
“But please, can you remember that Rowan was the one who cooked us dinner?”
Ash glanced guiltily at Rowan. “I know Rowan took care of us.”
Rowan made a frustrated noise.
“And I remember you cooking me dinner, too,” said Ash. “I know that the two of you did everything for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t ever help.”
Couldn’t help? Or didn’t help? The guilt in his stomachexpanded.
“You were six,” said Rowan drily.
