Page 179 of The Grosvenor's Ghost
It feels the same now as my mum, yet again, crouches over my bathtub and washes my hair. Only this time, the cuts aren’t so visible. I hate myself just as much as I did back then. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hating myself. I don’t know if my mother will be able to wash it away this time, even if it is for a brief moment.
The ending to tonight will be the same as it was all those years ago, though. Tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up and we’ll both pretend like it never happened and the cleanliness I feel and felt, will wash away with more unrelenting disgust.
Chapter Forty-Four
Prince Arthur
We’re at the Royal Albert Hall for a private first showing of the Nutcracker which Ev is performing in. It’s an invitation only showing—tickets don’t go on sale until December 1st. Hasn’t stopped this being an uproar with the public, though.
I don’t know why but they hate the fact that Ev is performing so publicly. On every radio show, every newspaper, every morning talk show, our family has been the topic of conversation. From Sebastian and mine’s ’fallout’ (which there hasn’t been one, we just haven’t spoken) to Ev dancing to old pictures from when my mum was pregnant to our spokesperson debunking anything these writers and journalists spew out. Every time I turn on the TV, I’m guaranteed to see a face I’m related to pop up.
“I’m doing a food shop,” Connie tells me. “What do you want?”
“Go on then—pack of Hula Hoops. We need bacon—streaky not the other shit—eggs, as well, we need them. Loaf of bread—oh, get a pack of Digestives, too. Through some spinach in there and then a pack of Jaffa Cakes—”
He glances up from his phone. “You are so unhealthy.”
I pull back, frown. “And you’re fucking not, no? Last time I came home with a tray of twelve donuts—twelve!—I got out of the shower and three were left. Fucking three! That’s greedy, that is, Con. That’s you being big and fat.”
He opens his mouth to say something, his jaw clamping shut a second later. He squints his eyes at me, swallows heavily, sniffs and glances away.
“Look at you two settling into domestic life,” Albie smiles, strolling over to us.
“No,” Connie mutters. “He doesn’t swing that way.”
“And neither do you?” I give him a look.
“I know, but—” he looks up at me. “If I did you’d be the person I’d wanna be gay with—and not even just for shagging purposes. Like, you’re actually a proper good friend and that—ain’t he, Alb?”
Albie nods, covers his smile with his tumbler of whiskey.
“You reckon?” I smile, glancing between the two of them. Connie nods again, sheepishly. “I’m fucking—I’m well chuffed. Cheers, mate. I’d wanna be gay with you, too.”
He flashes me a shy little grin.
“But why are you doing the food shop now?” I ask him. “Show’s about to start.”
“Because if I do it now, I get free next day delivery for tomorrow morning,” he says obviously.
Albie turns on his heel, disappearing into the box next to ours. Connie sits with me and my family because he’s basically one of us, minus the title, and also, I really didn’t fancy sitting next to my family for god knows how long on my own.
The boxes opposite us and the seats below start to fill and my eyes instantly search for hers. Fucking everything leads back to her, doesn’t it? Every path, every chemtrail, every road, every rock, ocean—even the flowers sway in the breeze into her direction. For as long as I’m on this earth, she’ll be here and not knowing if she’ll be mine in that time or not and we’ll just go and live our separate ways after spending so many days and hours and weeks being naked with each other—in more ways than one—fucking kills me.
The show starts without me finding her face which means she isn’t here. I can spot her face. I know the minute she’s walked into a room. Reckon everyone does, though. Phoebedoesn’t walk into a room unnoticed. It’d be impossible. She’s too fucking beautiful to go unseen. Imagine seeing the most beautiful woman in the world—you don’t just blink out of your trance and go about your day. No, she captivates you. Something in her eyes that pins you down. She’s gorgeous and she was mine and my chest aches at the thought.
Physically hurts me to think about her. I’ve lost so many nights from staying up, her face being the only thing in my mind. I don’t even think about anything worth noting. Just think about her. Just her as she comes, how you see her. She’s worth that, though. She’s worth all my nights.
I don’t know how she does it. If this was the 1800’s, I’d have her done for casting spells.
When the show starts and Ev comes onto the stage—I’m going to be honest with you when I say I have no fucking idea what she’s doing. But I know she’s good. Why else would she be here? Mum watches beside me with tears in her eyes and Dad looks as though he’s watching anyone else perform. Sebastian just stares. Stares blankly at nothing in particular. He’s been doing that a lot this past year and I know you’re dying for an update—everyone is—but there really isn’t much to say. Joanne moved back to the countryside with her parents, not sure what she’s doing now. Mia travels with her new boyfriend Henry Finsbury (commonly known as Prince Theo’s best mate. The papers say she has a type. I don’t disagree) while she models. Seb mops about, sometimes in the country, sometimes out of it. He doesn’t talk much these days. Probably depressed. Probably deserves it.
A little while through the show, there’s a knock on the door behind us. Victoria pops her head through, Phoebe and Jonathan behind her. She doesn’t look at me—Phoebe, that is. Her mum comes over to us, kisses each of our cheeks and says a hushed hello. Phoebe steps in next, bows her head at us beforekissing my mother’s cheek. She doesn’t spare Sebastian a single glance before her eyes slide over to me. To save face she hugs me formally.
She looks incredible. Wearing this blue gown that drapes over her shoulders.
As they walk out, she gives me a look. A sorry look for Halloween, maybe? I know that went down like a sack of shit and I feel fucking horrible about it. I don’t know what happened. Just saw her and Digby leave a room together and thought what? What exactly did I fucking think? That they were shagging in there? Highly doubt it. She only ever has sex with me these days. A proud grin snakes its way up my face that I hide behind my hand.
When the intermission comes, I get up to go to the toilet, only Phoebe is waiting outside our box.
