Page 38 of Indecently Employed
She set her page of notes down on her seat, behind her skirts, perhaps buying herself time to respond amid the change in the room’s suddenly heavy atmosphere. She had to feel it. After a long moment of silence, she looked up at him from under her lashes, her mouth hesitant but her brown eyes warm and languid.
“Yes. I trust you, sir.”
Ajax drew a deep breath.
“Then trust me when I say I’m an ignoble bastard, unfit to be a father. Charlotte is the first of my by-blows. First to make themselves known, that is. Honestly, I’d be shocked if she were the last. I’m not a good man, Miss Abbotts. I’m simply not.”
The governess sat motionless, her lips parted slightly in apparent disbelief.
“It is time for me to lay my cards on the table, for I cannot keep them to myself any longer,” he continued. “Surely you know how pretty you are, how… alluring your manner, so intelligent and reserved. So… so…” He fought hard not to drop his gaze to her chest, but lost the battle. “I want nothing more on this earth right now than to take you to that bed over there and have my way with you. Monstrous, see? And the only thing separating me from your Earl of Clifton is the fact that I would be positively slavish in my devotion to your pleasure.”
Miss Abbotts remained in her seat, frozen like a statue whose cheeks had turned a brilliant red.
“But for the first time in my miserable life, it is here that I draw the line. My lecherous ways brought the child under your tutelage into the world and forced her to grow up without a father. I will not fall back on those ways now that she is finally in my care. And furthermore, I will not inflict myself upon you, Miss Abbotts, for you deserve that even less than any of my numerous paramours ever has.”
At this she leapt to her feet and opened her mouth to speak, but Ajax held up a hand, halting her.
“Do not waste your kindness on me; it would be put to ill use. In fact, I have half a mind to dismiss you from this house, and this position, if only to spare you from me. Of course, I would send you off with two years’ wages for your trouble, along with the most spectacular letter of recommendation any governess has ever been in possession of.”
“But sir—” she began, before he cut her off.
“As I said, I have half a mind to do just that… but the other half tells me that I shall not find a governess to nurture Charlotte’s spirit and intellect nearly so ably as you, and that she would be righteously furious with me, and rightly so, were I to take you away from her.”
Miss Abbotts stood stationary before him, her chest heaving with shallow breaths, waiting for him to continue.
“I’ve done ill by Charlotte, and I shall not rest until I make it right. And it is for this reason that I prostrate myself before you with this proposal: Stay at Gallox Castle and remain my daughter’s governess, and I swear to you I will ensure that our paths do not cross, and that aside from the occasional scheduled meeting to discuss Charlotte’s progress, you need not even be aware that I am here. And if ever you should decide to resign for any reason, you will receive the aforementioned wages and recommendation, in addition to my deepest gratitude for your service.”
He paused, letting it all sink in not only for Miss Abbotts, but for himself as well. After a moment of silence between them, he looked down and cleared his throat. “So there you have it,” he concluded.
Miss Abbotts studied him, her eyes narrowed slightly as she peered into his. Suddenly, a look of indignation materialized on her face.
“Sir,” she said firmly as she took a step forward, “you bemoan your past and punish yourself in the present, because you believe yourself to be unworthy of anything more. But you do not deserve to think of yourself in this way.”
Ajax shook his head. “You have a charitable heart, that’s apparent, but—”
“Mr. Sedley, this has nothing to do with a charitable heart. Neither mine nor anyone else’s. How many men with such a carefree past would be willing to go to such lengths to give up their old ways and right the ship for their newfound child? The fact that you so clearly are speaks volumes about your character. And believe me,” she said, as one corner of her mouth turned ever so slightly upward, “in my house, we were raised to beextremelyunforgiving judges of character.”
Ajax’s breath caught in his chest.Christ, that look…
Miss Abbotts took another small step toward him and spoke with determination. “I shall stay on as Charlotte’s governess, and I intend to see the job through to the end. I will not be the cause of further instability in her life.”
They stared at each other, her wide eyes locked on his—for how long Ajax did not know—until a loud crack of wood breaking down in the fireplace broke the reverie. Miss Abbotts retrieved her note paper from the chair behind her and turned to leave.
Ajax found himself unable to speak as she walked away, his throat was so dry. But just as she reached the door and he wason the verge of stupidly letting her leave without another word, she stopped, then turned halfway and looked back over her shoulder.
“Slavish, did you say?” she asked, in a tone of voice he had never heard come from her mouth before.
He immediately felt himself begin to harden, which he desperately hoped would escape her notice. Still somehow unable to speak, he felt his head move in a nearly imperceptible nod.
Her eyes flicked downward over him, briefly yet unmistakably, and that same corner of her mouth tilted slightly upward again. “Goodnight, Mr. Sedley,” she said, then exited, closing the door behind her.
Ajax collapsed in his chair. He let out a long, shuddering breath.
Dear God, what had he done?
As soon as the heavy door to the solar thudded into place behind her, she rushed down the stairs. Had that truly just happened? Had he really spoken of having her, of giving her pleasure? The echo of her heels against the great hall’s flagstone rang in her ears as she hurried away, back to her room.
Once inside, she shut the door and collapsed against it. With a hand to her face, she slid down to the ground. Her entire body was hot, nearly burning. Her eyes fell upon the crumpled list of points about Charlotte she’d intended to make during their meeting, now fallen to the floor beside her. She had no idea whether she’d enumerated them all; the only thing she could recall was the heat that had blossomed between her legs when he’d revealed his desires, and the intensity with which it had grown with every subsequent word he spoke, even though most of them were dedicated to debasing himself. Whenshe’d touched herself this morning, she’d never anticipated her shocking daydream might come true.Hewantedher?
