Page 160 of Along Came Amor
In her quest to be perfect, Ava had hidden herself. She’d locked away her messy feelings, sure that no one would love her if she revealed them. On some level, she’d thought she was sparing the people around her. But really, she was only protecting herself, and she hadn’t trusted anyone enough to see the real her.
Until Roman. She’d let him see her, mess and all. Partly because she’d felt safe enough to be vulnerable with him, but partly because she’d feltstrongenough to be.
It wasn’t only her family getting in the way of her happiness.Shewas denying herself what she wanted because she thought she was fundamentally lacking in some way.
But what if she wasn’t?
What if she was good enough as she was?
“I guess it all sounds silly when I say it out loud,” she said finally.
“It’s not silly.” Jasmine put an arm around her. “Your feelings are valid.”
“Even when they’re silly,” Michelle said in a stage whisper.
Ava glanced to her left and her right, at her two beautiful, smart, loving primas. “What’s wrong with us? Why did we all feel like we needed to hide it when we fell in love?”
Michelle snorted. “Where do we start?”
“The toxic chisme cycle,” Jasmine blurted out.
“Outdated gender roles,” Michelle added.
“Intergenerational family trauma,” Ava said, and the other two nodded in agreement.
“Cheers to unpacking emotional baggage.” Michelle raised her champagne. Ava and Jasmine clinked their glasses to hers and drank.
“I know I need better boundaries,” Ava admitted. “I have a hard time saying no.”
“You don’t say?” Michelle shot her a wry grin.
“Boundaries can help someone feel safe,” Jasmine agreed. “But having problems with boundaries isn’t just saying ‘yes’ to everything and putting the needs of others before your own. It can also look like saying ‘no’ to thegoodthings in your life.”
Ava mulled that over. Her need to make others happy because she was worried their love would be withdrawn if she didn’t live up to their expectations had started with her parents, was reinforced by her grandmother, and then continued to play out in her marriage and all her other relationships.
Except with Roman. From the beginning, he’d allowed her to call the shots while maintaining a steady, supportive presence. He had respected her boundaries, even when they were silly, which showed her that she could trust him. That trust had allowed her to expand the parameters at her own pace, letting him in little by little, until they’d forged a solid bond.
The behaviors she used as shields—always being helpful, not rocking the boat, forgoing her own desires—were trauma responses to a childhood where she’d felt unwanted and alone.
But now those protective shields were suffocating her. She wasn’t just letting fear control her happiness. She was letting the past affect her future.
She’d been piecing together New Ava one positive affirmation at a time, wearing her like a suit of armor, while her true self was waiting to be set free.
If she could let go of the need to be perfect, the need to please other people... if she could live authentically as herself... what would that look like?
Not Old Ava, not New Ava, not Scared or Sarcastic orGoodAva.
Just Ava, and all the parts that made herher.
With Roman, she felt safe. She felt whole. It wasn’t that he completed her, or supplied a missing piece. It was that he gave her the space to completeherself. Why else would she have turned to him, instead of anyone else she knew, whenever she was in distress?
Speaking of...
Ava sucked in a breath. “I need to find Roman.”
Michelle gave her an affectionate shoulder bump. “To accept his marriage proposal?”
“Oh my god.” Ava took a quick sip of champagne to cover her blush. “I don’t think he was really asking.”
