Page 63 of Secrets in the Snow
My eyes almost pop out of my head at the familiarity of the voice that speaks back to her as I sit on my sofa, frozen and stunned.
I knew she had a partner in crime to pull this all together, but I’d never have guessed who. Someone technically savvy, with an eye for an angle, and who loved the camera from the other side. I hear a shuffle and the camera angle sways, and then he comes into view as he unclips a little microphone from Mabel’s purple jumper.
‘We’ve done our very best, Ben,’ she tells her cameraman. ‘The rest is for the future, and that future is up to Aidan and Roisin. You’ll just have to wait and see.’
34.
Later that evening, after making his official announcement that he was Mabel’s helper in making the videos, Ben’s big reveal of how he pulled it all off is plunged into deep sadness when Aidan tells him he has to say goodbye for good.
‘But I thought when you watched the videos together that everything would be OK again?’ he asks, his freckled face crinkled in defeat and despair. ‘Mabel said you’d be best of friends and that you might even like each other a bit more than that. I don’t understand. We did it all for nothing!’
He bursts into tears and I can’t look as Aidan takes him in his arms and sheds a few farewell tears beside him. I go to the kitchen and put on the kettle, leaning on the worktop as I try to catch my breath and face up to the reality that this is really goodbye.
By the time I get back to the living room, Ben has raced away to the cocoon of his bedroom and when I go to check on him, my heart burns when I realize he’s cried himself to sleep.
It’s going to take me a long time to forgive myself for breaking his heart as much as this all is breaking mine.
‘Needless to say, I won’t beg you to change your mind or meet me in New York on Mabel’s birthday when I’m a free man,’ Aidan tells me outside an hour later. ‘I’ve my own pride and my own heart to protect, so I won’t exhaust this any further except to say that I wish things had turned out differently and I also wish the best for you in every way, Roisin. I mean that.’
We stand on the footpath under the moonlight by Mabel’s gate and stare towards the house that holds so many memories within its bricks and mortar for each of us. Years of early childhood visiting with his parents, his teenage years when he lived there after his major loss, and the place he called home right up until now when he’s set to leave Ballybray behind once and for all.
‘Aidan, I don’t know what else to say to you either,’ I tell him, shaking my head. ‘We had something wonderful for a very short time and maybe that’s what we should remember most out of all this. Mabel intended for us to be like her family, but maybe we took it further than we should have? Maybe we just weren’t meant to be after all.’
‘You don’t mean that,’ he says, and I lean towards him to bid him a last goodbye. He kisses me on the forehead, long and slowly, as if his life depends on it, and I swear I don’t breathe for at least six seconds until he lets go.‘I’m probably worse at goodbyes than you are, and that’s saying something.’
My eyes glisten as I look up at him, all packed up and ready to go to serve out his final chapter in the USA before he starts all over again in something new.
‘I’m going to miss you so much,’ I gasp.
‘My sweet Roisin.’
‘But who knows where this new start will lead us both?’ I say, trying to sound just a little bit optimistic. ‘I might even get my house by the sea after all this, and you—’
‘Don’t,’ he says, breaking my attempt at lifting our mood. He runs his hand through his hair and speaks with fierce determination, but the way his eyes glisten can’t disguise his true feelings. ‘I can’t even think about what I’m going to do past the awards night, but what I do know is that I plan a very dignified escape once the formalities are over. I’ll hand over the contract to Bruce and Rachel and I’ll walk right out of that hotel and take my first steps towards my new future, wherever that might be.’
‘Back to Ireland?’ I suggest, doing my best to keep the tone practical and purposeful. ‘Dublin, perhaps?’
‘Probably,’ he says with a shrug. He bites his lip and looks away. ‘Though I don’t have an awful lot to bring me back here either, do I? It’s not like I’ve a family here any more. It’s the end of an era for the Murphys of Ballybray.’
He kicks the wet ground beneath him and then just as he is about to leave, he gently pulls me close to him one moretime. Then he cups my face in his hand, and with urgency, he kisses me full on the mouth making my legs go weak and my head spin. I feel his fingers press gently on the nape of my neck and goosebumps rise on my skin. I close my eyes, savouring, tasting him and praying to God inside that this won’t be our last kiss. I pray for some divine intervention, for courage and for strength to accept the love he is offering.
When our lips finally part, we are both breathless with hunger and our eyes sting with tears.
‘Goodbye, Roisin,’ he says, looking up to the heavens as if for support, then he gives me a quick peck on the cheek. ‘Take care of Ben and take care of you.’
He chokes back tears as he leaves me standing there in the early October drizzle and I tilt back my head to let the rain wash away my tears as he gets into his hired car and drives away towards his new beginning, then I go inside and lie down on the sofa where I cry from the pit of the stomach for all the damage from my past that has torn apart my future. I love Aidan like I’ve never loved before, and yet this claw in my stomach and this doubt instilled in my mind from years of abuse and mistrust with Jude still has a control over me. I reel over events from my past, trying to put old ghosts to bed once and for all, and I pray for the strength to give Aidan and our relationship the chance I deep down know it deserves, but I fear it’s too late for that now.
This is when Mabel would give me a shake, would straighten me up and would nudge me in the right direction, but Mabel is gone and if I don’t get my life into gear then I run the risk of Aidan being gone for ever too.
A text message interrupts my pity party for one and I can’t help hoping with all my heart that it might be a sign of some sort about where I go from here and what I do next.
Its content almost takes my breath away and shakes me back into focus on an untold secret that had been left in the past.
‘My name is Bernie Sullivan, from Breena,’ reads the text. ‘I’m looking for Roisin O’Connor. Maybe you could give me a call back when you can – that’s if I’ve got the right number this time. It would be so nice to talk to you about the Murphy brothers from Ballybray, just as your message said you’d like to, as soon as you get a chance.’
I sit up straight on the sofa and push my hair back from my tear-stained face, then I stare at the text on my phone and read it over and over again until it sinks in. This Bernie lady is not giving up, it seems, and it would be foolish of me to ignore whatever it is she has to say.
It could change Aidan’s life. It could change mine too, who knows?
