Page 18 of Secrets in the Snow
‘It’s certainly a much more happening place now,’ he admits. ‘You really love it here, don’t you?’
‘It’s been good for us,’ I say, catching his eye again. If only he knew just how much coming here changed my life for the better.
‘There’s no doubt about it,’ he tells me. ‘I spent the happiest days of my life here too. There’s no better place to raise a child than near the coast in a close-knit rural village. I have many happy memories from here, lots of which were triggered by coming up here today.’
Ben’s brown eyes dart towards Aidan in a spark of admiration, and my stomach gives a leap when I see a look I recognize from many years ago. He looks at Aidan with such awe that it takes my breath away and even scares me a little inside. He looks at him as if he is the hero he’s been waiting for. I need to get him home.
‘OK, Ben, it’s suppertime,’ I say, wanting now to escape back to the safety of my life behind the green door, away from any possibility of my son becoming too close too soon to Mabel’s nephew.
Call me paranoid and over protective, but I’ve seen that look in Ben’s eyes before, and I’ve also seen a very different look when his father let him down. I can’t risk ever seeing that again, plus Aidan Murphy owes us nothing. He could disappear in a heartbeat, and in a few days he probably will.
‘But what about Aidan?’ asks Ben. ‘Are you going back to Mabel’s house again, Aidan? We could—’
‘I’m sure Aidan is very busy,’ I say, avoiding Aidan’s eyes this time. ‘But we’ve all had such great fun today, haven’t we? I can just feel Mabel smiling down on us already, especially at your bravery, Ben, when you tackled the biggest slope.’
Aidan pipes up, contradicting my suggestion that he may be busy.
‘We could always finish off the day with some pizza? My treat?’ he says, patting his tummy. ‘I mean, that’s if it’s OK with you, Roisin?’
‘Yes! Please Mum, please!’ says Ben.
‘Sorry,’ says Aidan, when he senses my discomfort.
I breathe out and contemplate if I even have a choice right now. I’m totally outnumbered, but in the pit of my stomach, my gut instinct if you like, I am very, very afraid. I’m afraid of this feeling of euphoria, of the companionship and the laughter, of how Aidan put me at ease every time I had a moment of self-doubt up there on the hill. It awakened something inside me that has been dormant for so long, and it scares me. But then I look at Ben and—
‘OK, how can I say no to a boy who is chatting and smiling again after days of silence?’ I say, convincing myself I’m doing this for my son’s benefit only.
But I can’t get too close to this man in any way, and neither can Ben. We are all raw, we are all vulnerable,and when the dust settles on whatever business Aidan is attending to here in Ballybray, he is going to leave again. As much as Mabel has pledged us all to be family, I know my son’s inner pain will want more and more of the beautiful moments we shared today.
Aidan Murphy has a life and a wife in America, I repeat to myself. He is not ours, and he never will be.
9.
‘Mabel was the best at drawing cats,’ announces Ben, giving his tuppence worth as he waits for his pepperoni pizza. We sit around a wooden table in Cleary’s Bar and dry out by the blazing open fire in the grate beside us. ‘She didn’t really like them in real life, but she was so good at drawing them.’
‘And elephants,’ adds Aidan, much to Ben’s agreement. ‘She could draw an elephant like no one else could.’
I try not to laugh.
‘I used to ask her to draw elephants all the time,’ he says, ‘and unlike cats, I think she liked them in real life too.’
I beam as Ben opens up his innocent childhood memory bank to share little snippets of his life with Aidan as if he’d known him for ever, and marvel at how Aidan chats to him at a level that makes him feel that everything he has to say is important. The scene fills my heart with joy at how relaxed and happy Ben seems in Aidan’s company, but it also makes me sad, as seeing Ben light up like this is sucha stark reminder of how he misses having his dad to banter with. As much as Jude did wrong by me, he and Ben shared some rare but precious moments just like this when times were good, and it pains me deeply inside that he will never have pizza and a chat with his dad ever again.
‘Stop overthinking, Roisin and live in the moment!’ I hear Mabel tell me, as she did on so many occasions. ‘Only ever look back to see how far you’ve come.’
I try to relax and take the fact that we are here for what it is – we were sledging with Mabel’s nephew, we were hungry, and we’re finishing off in the local pub with some pizza. It’s nothing more than that and nothing less.
OK, so it’s not something Ben and I have done very often since we came here, but it shouldn’t be something that makes me as nervous as it does, especially since Aidan has insisted it’s cool and the bill is all on him. I could never afford to be so extravagant on a Sunday night with Aidan’s ‘order whatever you want’ attitude, and while I enjoyed choosing wine without looking on the right side of the menu first for the price, a lot of this is reminding me of what we don’t have in our lives. Ben doesn’t have a father any more, I don’t have a husband, and unlike my company this evening, I do have to watch every penny that goes out the door, leaving very little room for treats.
‘Aidan Murphy, is that you!’ a lively, friendly voice says, thankfully interrupting my train of thought. ‘ItisAidan Murphy! Oh, Aidan, I’m so sorry about your aunt Mabel!And this must be your lovely wife and family all the way from America!’
Aidan looks as startled as I am at the lady’s presumption, while Ben thinks it’s hilarious and laughs behind his hands.
‘Thanks, Margaret!’ says Aidan, standing up to shake the older lady’s hand. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve been here all right, but no, these are Mabel’s neighbours, Roisin and Ben from up on Teapot Row. We’ve been enjoying reminiscing about Mabel here as we dry off after some time in the snow.’
Margaret Madden, a larger than life outspoken lady who I recognize locally from her job on the deli counter at the Spar, claps her hands together and throws back her head in a fit of apologetic laughter.
‘Sorry, of course it’s only you, Roisin! You know I never even looked at your faces, I was so excited to see this young man back in town!’ she says, putting her chubby hand on my shoulder. ‘I’m sure you’d love to be so lucky to be married to such an eligible man, wouldn’t you! Ah, you’ve done so well for yourself, Aidan, and your aunt Mabel was so proud. You were all she could talk about at any given opportunity.’
