Page 35 of Secrets in the Snow
She stops again. She pushes a strand of hair out of her eyes, closes them and then continues her story with her hands clasped to her chest as if in prayer.
All I can hear is the ticking of the clock in my living room and eventually the intake of breath as Mabel lifts her fine, porcelain hand and wipes a tear from her eye. She was seventy-nine years old when she died, but to me she was eternally youthful, wise and beautiful. And she always knew the right things to say.
‘Aidan, I’d love you to go there and follow your father’s footsteps he took when he was such a young and carefree man,’ she says, her eyes brightening at the very idea. ‘Go with him, Roisin. It’s a gorgeous place, and when you’re there, have a pint in Sullivan’s Bar and reflect on his short and beautiful life. Connect with him there if you can.’
I grip the cushion and bury my chin into it, as so many thoughts run through my head as to what Mabel might be up to this time. It’s a much more cryptic message than before, and I have no idea why she might want us to take such an adventure together.
‘Enjoy a day away this spring and I’ll see you again in summer, OK?’ she says with a little wave, and then she blows us a kiss with a smile. ‘In the meantime, please look after each other, now and for always, and remember always, always be true.’
19.
The TV screen goes blank and I wait for Aidan to react before I say a word, but he doesn’t speak at all. He just sits there contemplating, rubbing his chin in deep thought.
There’s a lot to take in this time in a very different way than there was from Mabel’s winter message. I know how much she always emphasized to me about being true to myself down the years, but I think for Aidan this was a much more deliberate personal message which has many layers of meaning for him.
His shaky marriage in America, his job over there, and all the pressures it entails from what I’ve gathered through snippets and hints along the way, and now a hint to his past that there may be a truth untold with his father and his uncle Peter … And why the expedition to this place called Breena? What is she hoping we’ll find out there?
‘I’ve no idea what you must be feeling right now,’ I say, struggling to find the right words to make him feel better or want to talk, ‘but I do know that what Mabel just said has got me thinking of all the times I could have mademy life better by telling the truth. I think that was what she wanted to say most of all. She really wants us both to be true.’
He rubs his lightly stubbly face with his hands now, then sits forward again and pushes his dark hair back off his face, holding it there until when he lets go. It doesn’t flop into place like it normally does, but instead falls down slowly like dominoes until he pushes it away again, lost in thought.
He breathes out. And then he speaks at last.
‘The secret … I knew it. I remember a lot of whispering and hushing when my parents were killed,’ Aidan tells me, leaning his head now in one of his hands. ‘I was so young, only ten years old, so I’d no idea what was going on, but in the years that followed, I’d heard about Peter and my dad working on a farm together from my grandmother. I guess she was trying to reinforce to me just how close they once were and that’s how she wanted to remember them, as brothers in arms rather than the rivals they become in later years.’
Rivals? Surely not. I had no idea, but I nod, totally understanding how a mother would want to think exactly that way when she’d lost one of her precious sons so tragically.
‘What I did question on any given opportunity as I grew older,’ Aidan confides in me, ‘is why I wasn’t in my parents’ car on that night of the accident.’
‘Oh, Aidan.’
I’ve never heard about any of this – not from Mabel and definitely not from Aidan.
‘You see, I should have been in the car that night too, Roisin,’ he tells me, his face etched with despair as he sits staring into the empty fire grate in front of him. ‘I did eventually get an answer to that question when Mabel told me the truth when I first went to New York and she felt I was strong enough and old enough to hear about it.’
‘I’m so glad she told you,’ I say, gently encouraging him to trust me with this most painful memory that is already bringing tears to his eyes. He loosens his shirt collar and takes a deep breath.
‘My folks had returned to Ballybray to pick me up from my grandparents after a weekend on the road, as was often the case,’ he remembers with a slight tremble in his voice, ‘but when they arrived, a row instantly broke out between my dad and Peter, who was over to visit. They hadn’t got on well for a long time, and this was a normal occurrence when their paths would cross.’
He rubs his face again and takes his time, not knowing how much it’s breaking my heart to see him recount such painful times from his childhood, as if it was yesterday.
‘I was … I was taken out for ice cream the moment tensions were raised,’ he explains, ‘but my parents stormed off, saying they’d only be back later when Peter was gone. They never … they never did made it back for me, ever again of course.’
Oh no. I close my eyes, trying to absorb the trauma that must have unfolded around a very young Aidan that night as the worst thing possible came to his family’s door when he was just a little boy.
‘Roisin, I know that if Mabel hadn’t taken me away that evening to protect me from their argument,’ he says, swallowing his emotion, ‘if she hadn’t used her instinct to get me offside, I’d have been in that car and I’d have been killed too.’
I hold my breath.
‘Mabel, in her wisdom to take me for something as simple as an ice cream, saved my life,’ he whispers, his voice cracking. ‘My dear aunt Mabel saved my life.’
He swallows. He looks away, and then he lets out a long, deep breath of relief to have shared his story.
‘Wow,’ I whisper. ‘I had absolutely no idea. She never, ever said.’
I realize now how much of this all makes sense. No wonder Mabel was so protective and close to Aidan through his younger years. No wonder she was so proud of him as she watched him develop from the terrified youngster he was that night to the determined young adult and then the successful man he went on to become. No wonder she loved talking about his success like it was the be all and end all to everything, because to her, he was so special.
And no wonder her loss is taking its toll on him as much as it is on me.
