Page 44 of Secrets in the Snow
23.
We leave Breena behind, two very different people from who we were when we first arrived there. Everything has changed within me, as if I’ve been shifted to a higher level of emotion than I’ve never felt before. I don’t recognize it as coming from me. It’s almost euphoric, as though I’m on top of a mountain and I’m totally untouchable. It’s like running a marathon and realizing you did it against the odds, and even though you’re so tired and sore and you just need food and rest, you know you could easily do it again.
It’s the fuzzy feeling of that connection that occurs when you smile at a stranger and they smile back, or when you hold a newborn baby for the first time, and I know it’s so wrong even though it feels so right.
But no matter how high I feel, it’s also like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at an almighty fall, and I know a fall is coming my way if I give in and let all my inhibitions go. I’m not a married woman any more. I haven’t been for years, and Aidan claims his short-lived marriage is over, so maybe I should just enjoy it for what it is?
I want to, but can I really let go of the fear of my past making sure I make a mess of it all? Attachment is unhealthy, it’s destructive and it’s unsafe, and I know I’m already feeling so attached to Aidan and all he represents. He is the opposite of Jude, he is a reminder of Mabel and a real-life link to her, and we have so much in common, yet we live in worlds that couldn’t be further apart.
I want to give in, but I can’t. I check the time. It’s just gone six in the evening and yet I feel as if this day has gone on for ever, in the best possible way. A pang of feeling I’m doing something so wrong rests in the pit of my stomach, but I swallow hard, trying my best to push it away. Why shouldn’t I have some fun for a change? Why shouldn’t I just let go and give in to this, whatever it is? Why do I always have to over analyse everything that comes my way? We’ve had such a lovely day. Aidan has told me he’s a free man who was trapped in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage for too long, so why shouldn’t we now just go with the flow and see what happens?
‘Have you ever been to Belfast city?’ he asks me, and I can’t help it. My eyes light up at the possibility of making this day last as long as we possibly can. ‘I’ve an idea, if you’re up for some spontaneity to finish our trip?’
My first reaction is to say no, of course I can’t do that, as the familiar weight of non-stop responsibility to be home for a certain time comes naturally. But then I realize of course that I don’t have to be back for any particularreason today. I can have fun, and I will put myself first for a change. I can deal with the consequences, whatever they may be, later.
‘I’d love that,’ I tell him, and as we drive, not to Ballybray but towards the city in the warmth of the car, I find myself singing along with the radio, and when Aidan puts his hand across and leans it on my leg, I hold it there, not ever wanting to let him go.
We park up in the Cathedral Quarter of Belfast just half an hour later. It’s a trendy and hip cultural area, packed with pubs, Mediterranean bistros and cafés, with live music spilling out onto the streets as people eat al fresco. The cobbled streets play host to a multicultural vibe that feels like a different world to sleepy Ballybray, and I drink it all in, not knowing where we are going exactly but high on excitement as to what is coming next.
This is so not me, and it feels so damn good!
When we reach the steps of the Victorian glamour of the Merchant Hotel, Aidan leads me inside and orders me a cocktail. I sip it and watch the hustle and bustle outside, savouring city life from the comfort of such grandeur, wanting to pinch myself in this moment that is so far removed from my own real life or responsibility or past. When he returns, Aidan looks like he has something up his sleeve as he can’t stop smiling. He joins me at the table and then kisses my hand.
‘Roisin, I don’t want you to feel pressurized in any way,but would you like to stay here tonight?’ he asks me, and my heart skips a beat. ‘I’m not saying we have to share a room, but just thought you might like to kick back and let me treat you. We can have dinner, listen to some music, and do whatever you want to do. I think you deserve a break, so if you’re up for it, it’s all on me.’
I look around the magnificent surroundings. The hotel is five-star opulent luxury, with its art deco interior, and I’m in heaven, and there’s nothing more in the world I’d rather do than let my hair down and enjoy myself with Aidan tonight.
‘I’d love that,’ I whisper to him, and then he leans across and kisses me tenderly. It’s been so long since I’ve felt like I’ve deserved to just be me, and not Ben’s mother or Jude’s widow, or someone who has to keep all the balls in the air. I feel a trickle of guilt creep in again, but I know what Mabel Murphy would say if she caught me considering saying no to something I’d really like to do.
I glance at my phone to see a picture message of Ben and Gino pop up in my inbox. They are decked out in their equestrian gear now and both pull funny faces into the camera. ‘Two very happy and excited boys,’ writes Camille. ‘Hope you are having a relaxing time with Aidan. You deserve it.’
The ‘mummy guilt’ pang eases and I can see Mabel nodding in approval, just as she was about to launch an inner verbal warning to me from beyond the grave.
‘Thank you,’ I say to Aidan in advance of whatever he has planned for us this evening. ‘This is a lot more than I could ever have expected for today. I’m looking forward to it already.’
We check in to the hotel and my jaw drops when I see the room I’ll be staying in for one night only. It’s the ultimate in high-end luxury and nothing like I’ve ever seen before, with velvet throws, silk curtains, silk voiles, and antique furniture on deep pile carpet. The bed is a mahogany four-poster, the bath is free-standing and has a roll top framed with chocolate marble, and a display of fine art looks down on us from the walls. I feel like Cinderella and Pretty Woman rolled into one. I want to stay here for ever. I sink into one of the pillows and Aidan joins me, then we laugh like giddy teenagers.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like this before,’ I admit to Aidan as the rush of his spontaneity and generosity blows me away. ‘It’s so beautiful.’
‘Like you,’ says Aidan, kissing my forehead. He pulls me in closer and I can feel my own hunger for him rise. He holds my gaze, making sure every move he makes is to my pleasing, and I nod in approval for him to go ahead. It doesn’t take us long to undress each other, and my mouth waters for his taste, which sends me straight to heaven, as does his touch when his fingertips explore my body and then his tongue, and soon we are as one.
It’s slow, it’s so intimate, it’s gentle, and it’s hard, and I close my eyes in wonder at how perfect it feels to be here with him, naked and in full abandonment, yet so confident and sure.
I barely recognize myself, and as we both stand under the rain shower afterwards, I keep thinking of my younger self and how I’d never have imagined I’d experience someone who looked at me the way Aidan Murphy does. It’s not his money or his status, but how he does everything with my feelings in mind. There’s nothing arrogant or showy in any of his actions, just pure love and affection, and I don’t ever want this day to end.
And the surprises keep coming … we spend an hour sipping champagne in the hotel’s rooftop hot tub after a heavenly massage, something I’d never have dreamed of doing.
We dine under Ireland’s biggest chandelier, where every mouthful of food is orgasmic, and then finish our night tucked into a cosy corner in the jazz bar, where we manage to sneak in a dance cheek to cheek to the sounds of the band singing one of Mabel’s favourites, Ella Fitzgerald’s ‘They Can’t Take That Away From Me’, and as we sway slowly to the music, I close my eyes and feel a tear trickle down my face. I can hear Aidan hum along to the music, and I thank Mabel for sending me a man who makes me feel so special and so worthy of every single step I take on this earth.
But deep down I know that when this all sinks in tomorrow I’ll be absolutely terrified of how vulnerablebeing so open with Aidan leaves me, and how I’m still holding back the conversation I had with the lady in Sullivan’s and the possibility of a truth left untold.
I know that when all that has happened today hits me tomorrow, I might be more frightened than I’ve ever been in my whole life at how I’ve let myself become so involved with a married man, of being subsequently let down again or by having my patched-up heart broken.
SUMMER
24.
‘Why do I feel like you’re already gone, like a dripping tap with every drip, drip counting down the seconds till you disappear?’ I ask Aidan as we picnic on Killahoey Strand on our last Sunday together before he leaves to sort out his affairs in New York. ‘It’s like you’ve already gone even though you’re still here.’
